The Lonely Hawke Book I
by AshaGem
Summary: Living a life clouded with loneliness isn't a decision she made without deep thought but when a letter arrives summoning her to Denerim, Hawke grasps the chance to feel needed again. But what awaits her, she never expected. With a new adventure, Hawke starts to find herself again? And maybe new love?
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

I had never seen anything more beautiful than the colourful bursts of lights exploding from the finger tips of circle mages. Magic is a wondrous enchantment that I will never fully understand and growing up with Bethany made no difference to that. Thinking of her made me smile, it had been nearly two years since I last saw her - saw anyone familiar for that matter – yet still thinking about Bethany, my only living relative and the only person I was sure I loved more than anything, brought me insane happiness. She might be hundreds of miles away locked in a tower surrounded by the sea but she was safe and making a new family, of mages, people who understood her, who shared her doubts, feelings and probably so much more.

My life has been the complete opposite since I abandoned Kirkwall and all of the people who stood at my side, I haven't had the strength to surround myself with people like she can, or to allow them into my head. Honestly, I had no desire to.

I still remember the day my life changed; I don't think I could ever forget it. My childhood home, Lothering, being ravaged by monstrous beasts stinking of death that tainted the land. My mother crying over my younger brothers crushed body after he was sniffed out like prey by an ogre ten times his size and having his life squeezed out of him. Striking down that ogre didn't satisfy the ever growing ache that still has a place in my heart. And being saved by the mythical legend, Flemeth - or the 'witch of the wilds' as Aveline called her – did not help the unshed tears. No, that day still haunted my every thought.

It didn't help when after a year, Bethany, my beautiful, sweet; little sister was snatched away from us by the Templar's. There had been nothing I could do – Again -I couldn't stop the ogre; I couldn't stop the Templar's. Her absence had made my mother's death all the more painful when she died at the hands of a crazed blood mage. When my father died I had promised him that I would do everything in my power to take care of them, oh I had failed.

That wasn't the only thing that ripped me apart; no love was also to blame. The day I met Fenris – someone as deeply pained, maybe more than myself – I thought he was my soul mate, I finally felt connected to someone who wasn't a part of my family. Although, it didn't turn out as I expected, Fenris couldn't handle the pressure of sharing himself, no matter how deeply we loved each other, he just wasn't ready. My heart cracked deeper, almost to the core when he walked away from me.

Anders was the last straw, falling in love with him had been so over powering, I had never felt so exposed. He had been my possessed angel, a hope in hell. Through him, I had found the strength to forgive myself for failing my family. Yet that last day, in front of Kirkwall's Chantry was the moment my heart completely shattered into oblivion. My last ounce of hope dissolved into nothing.

Watching the beautiful lights vanish into the night sky, I heard the laughter and love around me as families and lovers enjoyed the festivities. The jealously was hard to ignore because even though I choose this life, I had no one. No one to share this little ounce of happiness I was feeling. No one to look forward to what the future will bring us, the smiles and the tears; I had no one to share that with. I was completely alone.

My eye caught a young, beautiful couple cuddling together near the water. He had his arm around her, whispering into her ear. The giggle from her lips shook me from my small moment of happiness. I could never be as happy as them, how could I allow it when I could be easily ripped away?

Biting my chapped lips, I turned away from the crowd of love and walked back the way I came. I wasn't ready to return to the lonely room at the inn. In fact, I still had something needed to be done.

* * *

><p>Re-written. I'm not happy with the first draft. Here is the second. This book is under major construction.<p> 


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_You failed me, little bird. _

_ I'm sorry, Daddy._

Waking with a start, I forced the covers off my aching body and in one swift movement I rolled over and landed harshly on the cold stone floor sending a shooting pain down my spine. Sighing heavily, I ignored the throbbing and pushed myself up from the ground. Looking around the tiny room that's been my home for little less than a few days, I groaned. The room was a mess; drops of my blood covered nearly every surface after I stumbled in last night from my late night endeavours. My few belongings were spewed around and my clothes from yesterday had left a trail from the door to the bed. It looked like a war zone or like a mage set off an explosion spell.

Padding over to the wash basin, I dunked my head in to the cold water for a few moments until I had to fight to breath. Clenching my eyes shut, I ran my fingers through my blood clotted hair. Why did I live like this? It's not healthy but it was all I had, the only thing that made me feel useful.

Snatching the rough towel from the folded pile on the floor next to the basin, I soaked it in the water before carefully wiping away the visual memories of last night. I hissed in pain as I washed the cut on my cheek. I had been so careless, more so than I ever have been. I should never have protected those blood mages; if I had known what they were I would never have stepped in, only for them to attack me themselves.

As the last remnants of my latest mistakes removed themselves from my skin, I sombrely pulled on fresh garments. From the corner of my eye I noticed a piece of paper on the floor near the door, which I'm sure hadn't been there yesterday. Sighing, I walked over and snatched it harshly from the ground. Clearly the inn keeper, no longer appreciated my presence since he would be the only one bothered to contact me. I out stayed my welcome here in Starkhaven, time to move on. That was my life now, moving on from place to place, only leaving when it was a necessity or if the place were too peaceful. I was about to discard it when I noticed the fancy lettering, clearly not owned by a common inn keeper. My heart thudded rapidly as I tore open the seal, what nobleman would contact me?

_Hawke, _

_I would not be writing if it wasn't absolutely necessary. Thedas' is in uproar and you are needed present at Denerim castle promptly. A friend of yours has given information to prove your innocence to what occurred in Kirkwall. I rarely believe the word of a dwarf which is why I insist you come speak for yourself and if you can convince me, it would be assuring to have your assistance in a matter I'm sure you'll be very interested in. Make haste, Hawke. I am eager to make acquaintance with the Champion of Kirkwall. _

_Cassandra Pentaghast, a Seeker of Thedas' religious Chantry._

I frowned at the letter in my hand, why did they want my help? Surely the Hero of Ferelden was more appropriate to end a war, considering she destroyed an archdemon and ended the fifth blight. But apparently they wanted _me_?

It didn't take me long to come to a decision, considering I was no longer welcome here in Starkhaven, I had nowhere to go, I couldn't go back to Kirkwall. Denerim was my best bet. I quickly packed the few belongings I had left and in haste left the room of cluttered chaos. Not wanting to attract unwanted attention from the inn keeper and the drunkard idiots who only found solace in drinking all day and all night, I snuck out through the back entrance. I met no resistance as I ran through the back alleys towards the docks, praying someone would take pity and either lend me a boat or set out early.

Reaching the docks was quicker than I thought it would be, barely anyone was awake at this hour. Only fisherman from what I could see. _Oh god, how was I going to do this? _

Cautiously, I approached a lone man, tying his ship to the dock. He looked young with his shaven jaw and muscled arms. His clothes were not unlike mine, worn and barely clean. He caught sight of me as I approached and turned to me with wide eyes. I noticed his Adams apple bob up and down as he cleared his throat. "Err…Can I help you?" His voice rang with fear. Maybe I could threaten him, he seemed easy prey to it.

"Are you leaving dock anytime soon?" I tried to sound intimidating but my words felt too girlish, was I losing my edge? Or did I need a new approach?

He frowned clearly not understanding my unspoken intentions. "Not for a few days, serrah."

Biting my lip in hopefully an attractive way, I fluttered my eyelashes and by the way he shifted uncomfortable and by the way his eyes rolled over me, I knew I had him. "Could I convince you to allow me abroad and give me safe passage to Denerim?"

His eyes widened further. "Um…I don't think…"

"I'll make it worth your while." I smiled sweetly.

He ran his hand across his forehead as his eyes darted around fearfully, like he expected for someone to catch him in the act. "I'm not allowed to dock in Denerim but I can take you to Gwaren, as long as you tell no one of this."

Linking my pinky fingers together I held them up in front of me and cocked my hip. "I promise."

_Damn, that boy is a pushover. _I was curious to what made him so frightened. Surely leaving dock with the boat would only bring him more fear for whoever made him on edge, however his problems weren't my own so I had no reason to care. Living in this world meant taking care of number one.

Four weeks on this damn vessel had me reeling in annoyance and irritation, that boy cried more times than I could count. I tried countless times to reassure him that he wasn't obligated to return that he could stay in Ferelden after he explained his family lived in Gwaren but he had none of it and looked at me like _I_ was crazy.

Docking in Gwaren had me flying to the ground calling out to the maker in blessed thanks. Of course again the boy – who I had not bothered finding out what name he possessed – looked on in bewilderment as I kissed the Ferelden soil.

Leaving him to sail back to Starkhaven, I walked across the dock and recalled the last time I was here that same day Carver died.

_Mother was rushing us through the crowds, worry creased into her face. I could tell she was still in shock from Carver's death, in truth so was I; Carver was the bravest of us all. Even though he was my younger sibling, I still admired his strength. _

_"Please hurry, if we're lucky we can board the next boat" Mother ushered us past a guard. Bethany was a foot in front, being pulled along by Aveline. Everything was a blur, loud voices filled my ears, I could barely hear my mother's small voice beside me. _

I could still hear her fragile voice now, an ache in my chest, forced me to get back to reality. There was no point in remembering the past when I had a job to do. Walking through the crowd, I felt eyes on me, I stopped to look around. Bouncing heads rushed past in all directions but I was sure someone or something had picked me out of the crowd. Ducking my head, I flicked through the crowd to the nearest empty spot. Turning towards the crowd, I stood on my tiptoe's to look around, a few heads turned in my direction, but none of them stood out. Was I being paranoid? Or was someone playing games with me?

"Might I say that you look more breathtaking than last we met, une dulce." Wet lips tickled my ear as the voice whispered seductively. I recoiled at the foul stench radiating from him. Flipping round, I was met with the first familiar face I have seen in two years.

"Oh great, it's you. Why are you here?"

"Surprised to see me, no? I have been sent here by the royal bastard, I'm to escort you to Denerim." He raised an eyebrow; clearly he was beguiled by this too. Like I need escorting.

"You're the other type of escort, Zev." He was and he can't deny it.

"And now that milady, is... quite true but err... not today, it seems. I'm escorting you, non-sexually to the castle in Denerim." Who'd have thought non-sexually chivalry from Zevran Ariani himself? I and all of Thedas' did not expect that one. It was slightly humorous to see the confused look in his eye at his own statement.

"I suppose travelling with you would mean less work to do if we got attacked." I tapped my chin, mock-thoughtfully.

"Now there is the spirit, do I get my hug now?" He held his arms out wide to me, beckoning me and I almost vomited. He stunk badly. I eyed the assassin closely, he looked drained and less good looking since last I saw him. For an elf he looked thin.

I held up my hands in disgust. "Maybe when you wash up a bit." Probably not even then but I kept those thoughts to myself.

We travelled by horse to Denerim, we took the long round, I was fairly aware Lothering was only a few days ride away, but I said nothing to Zevran who took point. We didn't talk much for the last few days; we quietly set up our camps and ate our rationed food. We slept side by side under the trees that we tied our horses around to make sure they didn't leave us stranded. It was nice to have someone close still; I didn't need to say anything for him to know that I have been lonely. Yet he didn't pry, or even speak. I did catch him a few times whispering to the horses, I didn't question him.

Once we were in Denerim I felt awkward next to him, guards watched our every move, and I knew for sure arrows were trained on us and that they'd penetrate our bodies if we made a false move. It wasn't everyday an elven assassin and the ex-champion of Kirkwall walked through the streets of Denerim.

At the palace gates, I couldn't stop from chewing my bottom lip, the gate guards glared as we approached them; one of them looked me fully in the eyes as Zevran told them who we were. The guards were wary as Zevran was trying to explain and was failing miserably to convince them. Reaching into my bag, I pulled out the letter from Cassandra.

"Here." I shoved the letter into the guard's hands. I watched his eyes scan the letter; I noticed a frown crease into his forehead. However he looked at his companion and nodded. He didn't give me back the letter.

The gates opened to allow us in and honestly I never felt so eager and so frightened of walking into the unknown.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Never in my whole entire life did I think I would step foot into a castle, especially one as grand as this. People like me – lowly pheasants or in my case ex-champions – would never have this opportunity. So I had to make the most of it while I could. The only thing that disappointed me was the lack of warmth this place offered, it was so big, it felt more like a fortress.

The servant left us sat on a cold bench in a hall with looming walls high overhead. The only life I could see was a small plant on the table top in the centre. I'd forgotten what it was like to live in Ferelden, the large oak doors and plain thick rugs without any intricate design like I had owned back in Kirkwall.

Two guards stationed on the wall opposite the door that we were waiting to open, gave us calculated stares, beside me Zevran stared right back, a smirk on his annoying face.

I sighed; couldn't he just not be himself for five minutes? "How much longer do we have to wait?"

"Eager to see the royal bastard and his little seeker, are you?"

"It was them that wanted me to come and now they are making me wait..." I sighed deeper and hung my head to look at my bitten finger nails.

"What did you expect from politicians?"

"Why are you even still here?"

"To collect my payment. . ." He said in a bored tone.

"Payment for what?" I was more than curious now; Zevran was an ex-assassin of the crows, so surely this would be interesting.

"Now that, une dulce would be telling," He chuckled, clearly knowing his secrecy would irritate me and it did. However I didn't have the strength to argue it out of him, so I sat back and waited.

-x-

My mouth dropped open at what the seeker had just told me, how could this be? I thought I left that life behind. "Why did you bring him here? And what can I do? It's not like I ever really knew him..." I think I was starting to hyperventilate. _Fuck, I have to keep it together. _The exasperated look on the seekers face, told me she was losing patience.

"Anders is _the_ blood mage who assisted you two years ago; he was in your company when he blew up the Chantry with the Divine still inside. As his leader, you have the responsibility to find out why he did what he did and we need you to find out any information to help prevent the on-coming war against the mages or else it is inevitable." The seeker left the room without another word. Responsibility? It's not like I knew he was going to blow the building up from the inside and it's not like I could have prevented it.

I sat silently looking around the small room, it reminded me of the room once owned by the Viscount of Kirkwall, a room I would have had if I hadn't run for the hills. A desk full of papers and quills was directly in the centre of the room, whilst bookcases covered each wall except one wall with a large window that overlooked the courtyard.

A loud knock on the door, made me sit upright. King Alistair stood in the doorway; dressed in a robe, which didn't hide the tension in his arms. Why he knocked on his own door, I didn't know. He smiled awkwardly as my eyes registered I was looking at the King, a very handsome King at that. Instantly, I was on my feet and bowing to him.

I heard him sigh. "Please, you don't need to do that. I may be the King of Ferelden but I hear you stopped the Qunari's Arishok from killing half of Kirkwall." The admiration in his voice made me blush. Compliments from a King, was it my lucky day or something?

"It's not like I stopped the blight, your majesty."

The king laughed. "I played my part but I hear you single-handedly killed the Arishok." His compliments were being to make me feel uncomfortable and I certainly did not deserve them.

"I also killed innocent mages, your majesty. I am no Champion." The title I was given after killing the Arishok always felt too exaggerated for me to really deserve it. I proved that after letting my feelings take over after seeing Anders destroy the Chantry, after that I almost hated the mages. Now all I feel is guilt.

Alistair took a step towards me and suddenly it felt like everything was frozen. A chill rolled up my spine, paralysing me to the spot as I watched the _King_ walk toward me..._ME! _This man was truly beautiful, in looks and mind. As a young King he has achieved more than I ever thought anyone could. "You look like you regret it. . ."

"One of many regrets, your majesty." I mumbled.

An adorable smile crossed his face as he reached me. The sight of the smile confused me but right now all I could think about was how close he was. I felt a blush forging and I had no idea how to politely step away from his advances. I had no idea what he was intending to do and I had no intention of finding out. Rumours of this man being an ex-lover of the Hero of Ferelden plagued every bard's mouth in every city. From the stories it seemed no one matched up to her.

"I'm looking forward to travelling with you, Lady Hawke." The change of subject shocked me in more ways than one. 1. He called me 'Lady', something I haven't been in a while. 2. He's travelling with me and 3. He's actually looking forward to it. _Maker, is the King of Ferelden flirting with me? _I hoped he wasn't I don't think my heart could take it from a man, so beautiful and VERY high classed.

The King beamed at me. "I hoping you could protect me from all the evil baddies." _Oh jeez! Do Not Have a Heart attack! _And did he just say baddies? Isn't this the King stood in front of me?

Gulping, I nodded enthusiastically. "I'm sure I can um . . . protect you from the um . . . baddies, your majesty." Embarrassment flashed through me, why did our first meeting have to be like this? A complete abomination! I'm sure my face was redder than a beetroot.

"Good to know." I felt his hand rest on my shoulder. The world started to spin when I realised he was touching me. I couldn't look at him for fear he would see how much he was affecting me. "Cameron? May I call you that? . . . Are you ok?" How could I be? His hand was still on my shoulder.

"Of course, I'm just nervous." My eyes grew wide, why did my word vomit have t start now? "About later…I mean. I understand you have Anders in your custody. Well, that's what I'm nervous about." I bit down hard on the inside of my mouth. If he didn't see through my little lie then he definitely wasn't the King from the legends. Even if he did, he ignored it.

"You don't have to speak with him. If you feel too uncomfortable I can bring someone else in." His hand finally left my shoulder. Air rushed back into my lungs and I started breathing again. I looked up at Alistair; he looked seriously concerned for me. That's when I remembered the Hero of Ferelden was also coming with us, so he knew exactly how I was feeling.

"No, it's fine. I think it would help if I came to speak to him. I understand the Hero will also be joining us?" I cursed myself silently, why did I bring her up? Speaking to Alistair was like having an out of body experience and everything that I was thinking, my mouth was saying.

His jaw tensed and his eyes strained. Instantly, I wanted to hit myself. "I'm sorry Your Majesty I didn't mean…" He stopped me with a wave of his hand. He looked me straight in the eye.

"You're right, she is joining us. But I'm sure you can protect me in that area as well." Another grin spread across his face.

I had to hide the frown that wanted to burst onto my face. I smiled unsurely. "I don't mean to sound rude but did you need me for anything?" I bit my lip; I could feel the skin splitting under my teeth.

Suddenly, he straightened up and he looked more like a King than a man who hid behind humour. "Oh yes. I came here to inform you that we have a meeting to attend later tonight. I don't know if Cassandra informed you, but I also wanted to greet you properly, as well." A crooked smile touched his lips; I had to tear my eyes away from them to answer him.

"Yes, she did tell me. But it's nice of you to think of me." It felt as if our conversation was about to end, as Alistair's shoulder slumped.

"Well I should get back to whatever king duties are piled up on my desk. I could do with a hand, but I'm sure you'd rather keep your hand on the end of your wrist." He winked playfully as his hand caught mine. I couldn't tear my eyes away as he lifted my hand to his lips. For the second time in his presence, I couldn't breathe. His lips touched my skin which nearly made me collapse in horror.

"If you ever need my hand, it would be happy to help." I felt his body shake as stifled laugh escaped his lips. I really needed to punch myself. I wish he would leave so I could regain my body again.

"Farewell, Cameron." Watching him leave the room, I couldn't help but notice that his muscles were relaxed and still shaking with what I assumed was laughter.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The silky sheets fell away from me as I attempted to wake; realisation dawned on me as I hazily recalled last night's conversation with Alistair. I placed my feet on the cold, hardwood floor. The clothes I wore were left scattered across the room; I reluctantly picked them up one by one and slipped them on as I approached the mirror. There was a loud knock on the door. An Elven servant peered in; he was carrying a silver platter, bearing what looked like breakfast. "The Seeker is waiting in the foyer, Messere." I cracked a small smile out of politeness as he left the platter upon the dresser. He scurried hastily around the room, dealing with other duties. As the Elf left the room, I soon followed; I clasped my hand on the door handle, and peered over my shoulder. The breakfast sat cold._ Luxury was never my forte anyway_.

Cassandra Pentaghast paced the foyer, her back straight and head tilted slightly as if deep in thought. I approached her slowly, still reluctant to get the show on the road. She noticed me when she next turned around; relief touched her eyes.

"Finally!" She said, throwing out her arms then letting them drop back down to her sides. "I'm glad you decided to come. We haven't told him about you, so he'll never anticipate you being there." She didn't seem to realise that I had forced myself to get dressed and come to meet her this morning. In fact, she didn't seem to care one bit; to her I was just another piece of the puzzle.

"It's not like I had much choice." I muttered under my breath. Obediently, I followed her out of the palace. We rode our horses out of Denerim. Cassandra did not mention anything about where we were going. But I realised Anders was not actually in Denerim at all. We rode for about five hours along the main highway before we turned our horses up a steep hill. After riding another while, we came to what looked like a fortress. Ahead of me, Cassandra dismounted. She waited as I dismounted so we could walk towards the fortress.

"Welcome to Vigils Keep, Seeker. We're glad you came. The mage hasn't been passive these past few days. He keeps speaking of a revolution." His gaze shifted over to me as he said this. Suddenly I realised, Anders had told me about Vigils Keep. The home of Ferelden Wardens. The place was magnificent; tall, strong walls heightened its defences. Small settlements stood close to its walls, obviously homes to those without one. A huge building sat behind the walls which must have held the throne room. Anders hadn't spoke highly of this place, but then he never spoke highly of anything but Justice.

I followed Cassandra towards, what I assumed, was the dungeon since it was a small building off to the side of many of the others. Two guards stood at the entrance, they didn't stop us as we approached but they opened the door. Holding my head down, I kept my eyes away from theirs, hoping to hide my growing fear. Back in Denerim, I felt I needed to do this for closure, more than anything else. Now, I was sure that was just a reason to get myself out of bed. I kept telling myself that I needed this but as we walked further into the building, Cassandra could also feel the rising tension. She stopped me by pulling my arm.

"This is no social meeting, Hawke. If you get nothing, then we try again tomorrow. I'm telling you now; just get what we need then get out of there. Don't go asking personal questions." Her voice was firm, funnily it gave me confidence. I should treat this like an interrogation, nothing else. Anders was just someone I knew, not someone I loved, not someone who betrayed me.

"Remind me again of what you want?"

"I want to know why he destroyed the Chantry in Kirkwall, and what he hoped to gain. Also, I want to know if he has created any conspiracies amongst the Mages to explain about why they are fighting against the Templars." She spoke as if my question exhausted her.

I walked on in front, eager to get this other with. I was really hoping he'd come out clean. Yet Anders wasn't one to tell me everything. As I came to the door, I clasped my hands into fists. I nodded at the guard to let me through.

Anders head didn't turn towards me as I walked in but that didn't mean I couldn't see the brutality that covered every single inch of him. Dried blood covered his clothes and clung to his dirty, shoulder length hair. His beautiful thin hands were unrecognisable under the cuts and bruises. His head slowly lifted and what I saw was the only thing that reminded me he was still the Anders I knew, the Anders I always wanted to save. A light blue touched the edges of his eyes telling me Justice was also here but not fully taking Anders over. Had he learned to control it?

As our eyes connected for the first time in years, I wasn't met with the usual amount of love I used to see but instead anger.

"How dare you torture me with her!" He screamed to the skies. It was only then that I noticed the chains; his arms were strapped to the chair that had been firmly fixed to the ground. Seeing Anders in this state was enough to bring me all the closure I could ever want.

"Anders?" I whispered; I couldn't bring myself to sit across from him, in case he screamed at me.

He glared at me. "You're not Cameron. She wouldn't come here. I don't want her here, not to see me like this." At least he didn't scream. I found it terrifying that he thought I was not myself. What had they done to make him this insane?

"Anders listen, it is me, Cameron. I have come. I want to speak with you." I tried to stay calm as the minutes ticked by in my head.

"How can I be sure you're 'MY' Cameron?" He hissed with bared teeth. _'His' _Cameron? That statement angered me more than I thought it should.

"You can't. But I need you to co-operate with me, Anders. Please." I was no longer scared for myself. Seeing Anders like this, I wanted to try my best and get what was needed so they didn't have any more reason to keep him here.

"Get me out of these chains and I'll do anything you want." He bargained. Seeing him like this, made me want to defy Cassandra, yet I couldn't bring myself to do it. Anders is, much to my displeasure, evil.

I raised an eyebrow and him. "I tell you what, Anders, you tell me what I need and I'll see about giving you back your freedom without the chains. Deal?" Perching on the arm of the chair, I crossed my arms. It was a stupid deal, I didn't have that power but it's not like he never lied to me.

Anders eyes were in focus for a moment as he held his head in his hands. Dramatically, he looked through his fingers at me. "Deal." He said, through what sounded like gritted teeth.

"Tell me why you blew up the Chantry." I ordered, keeping my eyes on his. I tried not to falter in my stance, to not show him how scared I was.

Anders contemplated over this for a moment. "I guess you wouldn't know, would you?" He sighed exasperatedly. "Or wouldn't understand, they tried to control us, I had to make them realise that we won't be used by the likes of them." His face curved in anger as he said this. I thought of Bethany, who I lost to the Circle. Losing her had one of my greatest mistakes but that was because of my foolishness. However how much I liked to deny it, Bethany was safe and happy there, without family but who was left? Me and Uncle Gamlen? Not much of a family. So no, I really did not understand his actions but that could be because I'm not a mage.

I nodded. "Okay, so have you riled any mages into going against the Templars, before and after destroying the Chantry?" I used this moment to sit on the chair and stare straight into his eyes. The glow seemed to leave his eyes as he spoke.

"No. I wouldn't bring other mages into my own mess. The fault was my own." His words were believable, but I couldn't help but feel he was leaving something out. Standing up, I gave one final nod and left the room.

Cassandra was waiting patiently outside, I informed her of what Anders said. She seemed displeased. "Very well. It's late, we will head back to Denerim in the morning."

"But I didn't get anything."

Cassandra eyed me speculatively. "You gave us enough to work with. Something we didn't have yesterday."

As she began to leave I moved in front of her. "What about Anders? He gave you what you wanted. Aren't you going to let him go?" My voice shook on his name at that same moment Cassandra laughed.

"He's a great mage, that I admit, but he's also an abomination, maybe not in form but he's gone beyond help." She slid around me and walked away. Watching her leave I felt a tear roll down my cheek. _Was he to be put to death then?_ It was too much to bear.

-x-

The following morning we arrived early back in Denerim, apparently they wanted me away from the Vigil before they did anything more to Anders. Of course they wanted to start early. The palace looked dim in the early sunrise as we approached the gates. Maids and guards hurried past us to finish their duties before King Alistair's Landsmeet, to inform the nobles we were leaving in a few days for the Circle tower in Antiva. Word had been sent to the King of our findings and he moved the Landsmeet forward. Cassandra left me in the castle foyer to attend her own personal duties.

I hurried straight to my room but as I was about to walk in, I heard raised voices from down the hall. Panic surged through me and I ran to where it sounded from. I heard a cry of rage and I couldn't stop myself as I burst into the room and immediately froze. A woman was perched on the table facing away in the centre of the room. Alistair had his arms either side of her as he leaned in glaring at her. Both of their heads snapped towards me and almost instantly they jumped away from each other.

_Shit! _"Oh, I'm sorry I heard raised voices." Biting my lip, I turned and quickly left again, not sure about what just happened. I knew something intense was going on, clearly. I tried to clear it from my mind as I walked back to my room. A few maids had to hurry out of the way as I pushed past them. Why was I so angry? Upon entering my room, I threw my weapons on the floor and paced. My breakfast from yesterday morning was still on the dresser, untouched.

A loud knock on the door relieved me from my thoughts. Spinning round, I saw the woman looking as elegant as people say. She was the Hero of Ferelden, beautiful and graceful. She didn't look like someone who had killed an Archdemon. However, most people who kill an Archdemon look dead and she certainly wasn't dead.

"May I come in?" Her voice rang out beautifully; it was enough to make anyone fall to their knees in worship.

"Close the door." I had never seen a woman of such beauty, as a kid I wasn't girly; Bethany was the girly one, with frocks and bows. People said I was the prettier one; if I just put my mind to it I'd be a beauty.

Riona did as I asked, then walked over to my bed and sat down. I couldn't look as she did this. "What you saw just a moment ago was an argument. I went to Alistair to try and get him to let some Grey Wardens come on your...trip. He didn't like the sound of it, so I tried to persuade him." Her eyes never left me as she said this. I turned my gaze on her in confusion.

"Why are you telling me this?" I raised an eyebrow.

She gave me a knowing look that irritated me. "You and Alistair, right? He denied it of course. But from the way he talked about you . . ." She wasn't making sense; I had only known Alistair, personally, for a few days. A blush rushed into my cheeks.

"You must be mistaken; I've only known Alistair a few days." Of course the first time we spoke, I was a quivering mess. Alistair was a handsome man but he was he King, why would he ever notice me?

Riona looked disappointed, but slightly smug, as I muddled this over. "Well, whatever you say. I'm leaving." She stood up with so much grace that jealously filled me again. I turned away from her, still confused about her words. The door slammed behind her.

For the rest of the morning I stayed out in the courtyard, practising with my weapons against a guard who had volunteered to help me. He had a nice build that filled out his armour. His eyes were close together but his jaw was tensed and manly. His name, I had regrettably forgotten, and I was too proud to ask him again. I silently hoped another guard would pass by and call out his name in a greeting. My moves were weak as I contemplated over Riona and Alistair. I wasn't quick enough when the guard swung his sword towards my knees. He rained down apologies as I stood back up.

"I thought you were going to deflect it, I'm so sorry, Lady Hawke." He helped me up; I shrugged off his apologies with a wave of my hand.

"May I cut in?" Another voice said as if this was a dance. I gazed down at the King who was staring up at me from underneath his hand; the sun highlighting the rest of his body.

"I'm finished now anyway." I said to both Alistair and the guard. Saying my farewells, I walked away; I could hear the King following.

As we approached the weapon stand, he spoke. "We need to talk." Putting his hand on the rack beside me. I was instantly aware of him, and it annoyed me.. I turned to face him. We were inches apart; I could see that he had noticed this as well as his dropped to his side.

"What do you need, your majesty?" I breathed; I could hear my heart pounding. Why did he have to be so close?

The King eyed me for a moment which didn't help my pounding heart. "Maybe we should speak later."

-X-

Nothing could have prepared me for the sight of the King stood in my doorway that night, looking so sexy in his relaxed garments. His shirt left no room of imagination to the muscles that were underneath.

"Lady Hawke, may I come in?" _Holy shit!_ Why did he have to smile like that?

I couldn't even speak as I stepped back to let him in. Here we go again with the thrashing heart. Too keep myself sane I rip my eyes away from his face and stare down at my hands which are trembling. _Oh god, this man will be the death of me._ Hiding my hands behind my back, I look back up to see him smiling at me.

"Am I really that terrifying?"

I shake my head. _Yes but not in the way you think._ "No, your majesty. I've just never had the pleasure of meeting royalty." Not a total lie.

"It wasn't that long ago that I was like you." I surreptitiously lower my gaze to look at him through my lashes. I could imagine him as the man from the stories, the one who helped stop the blight. He's tall, but not too tall and broad, a body that belong to a strong Grey Warden. It was only hard to imagine that this man had Darkspawn blood running through his veins. I knew this secret from Anders, one of the many things he was traitorous for.

Biting my lip, I raised my head to look at him fully. "Would you like a seat?"

A surprisingly adorable, cheeky grin pressed on his features. "Only if you sit with me?"

_Shit, what is with my heart? _I nodded and followed him towards the seats near the tall window. I tried to it as far from him as I could without offending him. I was afraid that if I sat too close I would have a heart attack. I bit my lip and stared back down at my hands.

"That frown between your eyebrows tells me you are uncomfortable." His words are so observant and unexpected that I couldn't help the gasp.

"Your presence intimidates me, your majesty." _Maker! Did I really just say that? _I feel myself go crimson.

I heard him sigh. "I really wish it wouldn't."

"I'm sorry." I breathed my voice quiet. I simply couldn't believe I was sat near a King and also the man who helped end the blight; he was truly an amazing person. I envied him. Here was me, who couldn't keep my own family alive were as he kept a whole country alive, well most of them.

"How about we start again?" I frowned which made him smile. "I'm Alistair and who might you be?"

He wants me to humour him, well so be it. "I'm Cameron Hawke," I really can't help but giggle at the stupidity of this.

He looks thoughtful as he taps his chin and suddenly as if he just realised something he points at me. "You're the one who stopped the Qunari, aren't you?"

I blush even more crimson. "Yes, I hear you're a King, must be quite an honour . . ."

He nods. "It never used to be."

I watch him speculatively. Was he giving me an insight to who he used to be? "Is there a reason for that?"

"I never wanted the responsibility; I just wanted to be Alistair. The idea of running a country, of having people depend on me, it never appealed to me."

I cocked my head to try and view him differently but all I could see was a strong man. "I think you're great at what you do. But I understand why it wouldn't appeal to you, why you would want to be just you." I sighed and moved to sit beside him. "I felt like you, when my father died, I was suddenly expected to look after the family. It's not exactly like I had to be a King but I was still expected to care for three other people when I could barely care for myself."

His hand was in my mine, squeezing. "I didn't know how to look after myself; I've always had someone to lean back on, Duncan, Riona and now I'm expected to take care of Ferelden, do you really think I'm doing a great job?"

Looking up at him, I smiled warmly. "Insanely great, the maker would be proud."

He grinned crookedly. "Thank you. See now you hardly blushed." I giggled and as if on cue I blushed. He must have noticed because he laughed. Suddenly, his expression was serious. "What you saw earlier between me and Riona,"

"You don't have to explain yourself, Alistair."

"I know but I want to."

"I'd rather you didn't," I didn't mean for it to sound harsh but somehow it seemed that if we brought her up, the idea of there being something between us would be too real. And I don't know if it would be appropriate to fraternise with a King. I really didn't want to give myself hope.


	5. Chapter 4 - to be rewritten

Chapter 5

Alistair had come to me every night for the past few days, we sat and talked, I told him about my meeting with Anders, and he told me everything about how he coped with the blight and his Commander Duncan's death. That he never mentioned her name, helped me I realise Riona was a big part of how he coped. I had told him about Father and Mother; it took me longer to find the courage to talk about Carver, because Carver and I were never really close. Alistair talked about his life being in the Grey Wardens; from his stories I could tell he was very fond of his Commander, Duncan. We had sat side by side on my bed, drinking cups of brew that he had mad. I tried to not to cringe as I drank it. Unfortunately, Alistair might be a good King but he definitely was not good at brewing. He went on to tell me about his life as King, alongside Queen Anora. Three years ago, I had heard the rumour of the late Queen Anora and how she came to pass, whilst I was in the Starkhaven tavern. Two dwarves had been gossiping in the corner, like two women. From the way Alistair spoke of her, it was clear that he did not love her, let alone like her, but because of the years they spent together, he did mourn her.

It was the night before we were leaving for Antiva. Alistair said he wouldn't come tonight so we could both make it an early night. I paced my room for about an hour before I decided I had to see him. I looked through the drawers at what little clothes I had; I only brought a few clothes since being in Denerim, which was just over a week. I decided on a nice cotton top with long sleeves. The top had been a gift from Merrill, as a _thank you _for finding her a home. I slipped on a pair of trousers that I had brought from Lothering.

Gazing at myself in the mirror, I cursed my awfully big ears; they liked to stick out from my hair. I tried to puff up my hair with something one of the maids had found for me. I was able to hide my ears behind my hair, which was just below my breasts, and the colour of red wine. Apparently, I had inherited the colour from my father's sister; unfortunately I never got the chance to meet her. My eyes were very big, mother used to say that I had wandering eyes; they were a baby blue colour. When I was younger, visitors to our home always mentioned my 'big blue eyes'. My lips were plump and I have always hated them but mother used to say that they concealed my secrets. As a teenager I never felt the need for make-up since the only reason girls that age wore make-up was to catch the eye of boys.

I drew the honey lipstick faintly across my lips, pursing my lips together. I looked In the mirror one final time. I was adequate enough to not look like some hooker.

Alistair's room, fortunately, wasn't far, so I walked slowly to clear my mind. When I got to his door I leaned against the wall for a few seconds before knocking. Now I felt stupid for wearing what I was, I wasn't even sure if Alistair felt the same as I did.

Knocking on the door, I took in a deep breath. After a few seconds the door opened. I took in a sharp breath. Alistair stood hugging the door; I ran my eyes down his bare chest, his muscles flexed as he straightened up.

"Cameron? Are you ok?" He asked fully alert. I tried on my best smile as I shook my head. I couldn't bring myself to answer him whilst he was shirtless. He raised an eyebrow when I didn't answer."Did you just want to catch me naked?" He teased.

My jaw dropped at how cleanly he said this. "What? No...Of course not." The blush on my face deepened as he laughed at my bewildered expression. He reached out and pulled me into his room , which was spacious, even for a king. Large windows lined the back wall, which stepped out onto a large balcony. I couldn't help but notice the king-sized bed; the pattern was fairly plain for a King. I turned to see Alistair leaning casually against the closed door, arms crossed, observing me. I stared at him awkwardly as the seconds ticked by. After a few moments he pushed himself from the door, slowly he walked towards me. A hot flush came over me as he got closer. I was very aware of his bare chest; my fingers itched to trace the muscles. He stopped, inches away from me, and grinned.

"Don't fret, Cam. I was only teasing." He winked. He sidestepped around me and threw himself onto his bed, the covers entwined in his feet. A burst of giggles escaped my lips as he tried to set himself free. In a hope to relieve him of his embarrassment Alistair stroke a pose, I curled over in fits of laughter. I laughed so hard; I cried,I brushed away the tears, walked over to his bed and awkwardly on the edge, he watched me quizzically, in haste I stood back up again thinking that he did not want me to do that.

Alistair raised his eyebrow. "So you're leaving? That was quick I haven't had enough time to show you how I fall over the rug in haste to make you a drink of Denerim's finest." He patted the spot beside him. I smiled smugly as I jumped onto his bed. As I landed our hands brushed, I caught my breath as his finger entwined through mine. I tore my gaze away from our linked fingers, to look at him. He was also looking at our hands, a strange expression in his eyes.

"I couldn't leave without seeing you fall over, Alistair." I said, to cut the tension. Instantly, he pulled his hand away; I couldn't help but feel hurt. His gaze met mine, his eyes screamed with confusion, his eyebrows knit together in thought. Abruptly he climbed from the bed and went over to the bar in the corner across from the door. The muscles in his back were tense, his broad shoulders rose up and down as he tried to reclaim his uneven breathing. As he poured the drinks, I sat cross legged and listened to the sound. He came back over and handed me a glass. I raised the glass in thanks before taking a sip.

Alistair he finished his glass. "I spoke to Cassandra today; Anders will be joining us tomorrow. How does that make you _feel_?"

In the days since I saw Anders, I had begged Cassandra to not kill him. In the end she said she never intended for Anders to be killed, in fact she intended for him to join us on our quest.

I bit my lip as I contemplated over that. Anders was hardly ever on my mind lately, I had only begged Cassandra not to kill him for his intentions were good just only for the mages. "I'm strangely ok about it. I never thought that I'd see him again. But I feel nothing. Seeing him the other day was actually easier than I thought it would be." I shrugged and downed the rest of my drink. Alistair took the glass from me and set them on his bed side table.

He nodded. "That's great; I feel the same way with Riona. We've actually become friends since she's been here." A smile spread across his lips, I smiled with him. Did that mean I didn't have to be jealous of her gorgeous figure and angel carved-looks? He looked at me meaningfully. "I'm glad you came tonight, Cam, if you didn't I would have gone to you. Today has been so stressful what with the landsmeet and everything." Another blush tickled my cheeks; I had to look down to hide it. Quickly I shook it off and looked back up at him; I caught my breath as he crushed his lips to mine. His hand cupped the back of my neck drawing me closer; I couldn't concentrate as the dizziness engulfed me. His lips were soft as he gently kissed me, the hunger slowly lessened from the kiss. He pulled away slightly and rested his forehead on mine. "I'm sorry." He whispered. I felt the heat from his lips against my nose. I kept my eyes closed as we sat there.

"There is no need to be sorry, Alistair." I sighed. I wished he's kiss me again, but instead he pulled away.

"No, it was wrong for me to have kissed you." He seemed to be irritated with himself. My head shot up when he said that. He was regretting that kiss already. I moved to the side of the bed. "I mean not that I didn't want to, but I took advantage. I'm sorry." He turned round just as I stood up. Embarrassment was clear in my expression. He frowned up at me. "Please don't leave, I didn't mean to offend you." Why wasn't I reassuring him that I liked it? That I wanted him to kiss me again? I couldn't speak; I was still in shock from the first kiss that my lips had frozen closed.

Alistair stood up and circled round the bed to me, his hands rested on my shoulders. "Please stay." He begged, he gazed intensely into my eyes. I felt I needed to reassure him. Leaning forward I kissed him softly on the lips. His eyes changed quickly from confusion to realization. As I leaned back, I gently smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow, your majesty." I slipped from his embrace and walked from the room.

The following morning I found myself surrounded by Cassandra's men in the palace courtyard. Beside me, Zevran was murmured under his breath about not wanting to be here. The sun was intensely hot as we stood waiting for our orders. Standing on my tip toes I saw Alistair twirling his thumbs like a child, I smiled at his simplicity. Riona who was beside him listend to what Cassandra was saying. Riona wore her hair up neatly in a bun that showed off her long neck, I couldn't help but realise Alistair must have kissed that neck once. I tore my eyes away from her and stood silently beside Zevran who watched me. I frowned at him. "What?" I snapped, his presence had irritated me because all he did was mutter.

"Oh. Well I couldn't help but notice your eyes were like daggers as you looked at my former companion." He nodded in Riona's direction. I looked to see her talking to Alistair. I turned back to glare at the smug elf.

"For your information, _Elf_. I was not glaring at her, I was merely admiring her. There _is_ a difference." I crossed my arms and turned away from him. I couldn't believe Zevran had insisted to be paired with me, had he made it is his goal to annoy me.

Zevran laughed under his breath, annoying me more. I threw my arms down in a huff. "Andraste's ass! Go away you arrogant toad." I stormed away from him, before I could lash out at him. I joined the guard. who I had become acquainted with over the past few days. I had learned his name was Tomas; he had come here from Kirkwall. He knew I was the Champion even though he was a young teenager at the time.

"Elf annoying you too, huh?" Tomas asked without looking at me. I sighed loudly and crossed my arms. I gazed at Alistair who was also looking at me; he smiled shyly with a wave. Tomas seemed to notice this as he leaned in to whisper. "I see the King has taking a liking to you."

"Shut up." I muttered whilst elbowing him. He laughed under his breath as I waved back at Alistair.


	6. Chapter 5 - to be rewritten

Chapter 6

I circled the bandit, keeping my swords firmly out in front of me to block any of his blows; he tried to threaten me with weak taunts. I ignored him and listened out for any other dangers. The bandit flew at me, thrusting his sword at my stomach. I sidestepped him and hit him on the nose with the pommel of my blade, blood streamed from his nose. I quickly jumped back into my original stance. The bandit screamed in frustration and lashed, out in a frenzy, slicing at the air. I had to duck and spin to keep from getting hit. I rolled behind him, quickly stood and wrapped my arm tightly around his throat. He choked and tried to kick out but I swiftly drew the blade across his throat, and pushed his dead body to the floor. Grinding my teeth, I ran at the bandit who was locked against Alistair's sword, I kicked out at the small of the bandits back; he buckled down in a heap. I thrust my sword into the bandits back with a crunch. Alistair stared at me in wonder. I grinned encouragingly.

"I didn't need help." He grumbled playfully, he pulled me forward just as another bandit flew at us; Alistair's sword cut the guy's head clean off. He looked at me and grinned. "See." We circled round to face an angry mob of about ten bandits, content on avenging their friend's death. Remembering my companion's status, I stood defensively in front of King Alistair. "What are you doing?" Alistair muttered angrily.

"Just run Alistair. Don't forget who you are." I growled under my breath. As I expected, Alistair stayed put, like the stubborn king he was. I rolled my eyes. One bandit flew at me; I threw out a loose blade that hit him between the eyes. The other bandits roared in frustration. They all charged us, I was secretly pleased by Alistair's stubbornness. Swords sliced out at us. When they aimed at Alistair, I pushed him back. In my haste shield Alistair away a sword cut me inches beneath my right eye. From how it stung and the fact I wasn't dead, I could tell it wasn't deep. Clenching my teeth, I lashed out with both blades. Alistair protectively pushed out his shield around me, as a field of swords bared down on us. We defiantly weren't winning this fight, and if we didn't get out of there now, were could only hope for a quick death. I pushed back at Alistair who pulled me up, he swung out and hit one in the jaw; I recoiled in horror as the guy's jaw hung slack from his face. Alistair had to pull me along as we ran back to the main group. When Zevran noticed us running, he gabbed at Alistair and me, then Cassandra joined us. Zevran eyed me, worriedly, as Alistair supported me. I ground my teeth in agony as the pain finally registered. Cassandra summoned a mage forward to help me. The mage's power surged through me, as her fingers healed my wound. _That will leave a scar. _I could hear the roar of the bandits who attacked us. Alistair pulled the mage and me further back into the camp; the soldiers beat down on the bandits. In the distance, I could hear Zevran's voice shouting out death threats.

When the mage was finished, she ran off to help anyone else who may be injured. Alistair helped me to my feet. Because of the mage's healing, I felt powerful. Powerful enough to take on a large group of bandits. Alistair realised my intentions and threw out his arm, to stop me. "Forget it." His face was inches from mine as he growled. I glared at him from under my eyelashes, but I knew I could never win over him. The jealousy that raged through me, made it impossible for me to watch the fight, but on top of that I couldn't watch because Alistair was in front of me. Even through the blood-matted hair and the blood sprayed across his face, he looked brilliantly handsome. His face was serious but I could see the half amused smile in his eyes as I tried to push past him.

After what felt like forever, the fighting ended, then Alistair let me pass. The camp was full of injured soldiers being treated by mages. Cassandra was pacing angrily, clearly confused at the large group of bandits. I had never seen such a large group of bandits, , at least not ones so well trained. I spotted Zevran amongst the injured, and felt guilty for thinking of 50 ways to make him scream like a woman. I noticed Riona was at his side, tending to his wounds in a motherly way. A thought came to mind, but I shook it off just as quickly. I glanced back at Alistair who was also looking at Zevran and Riona, his eyes narrowed in curiosity. He noticed me watching and raised his eyebrow questioningly; I shrugged in response.

Cassandra spotted us and stalked over. "We can't stay here, as soon as those injuries are treated …we're leaving." She left us bewildered, but we knew our orders. By the time everyone was ready, we packed up everything we could. I stood, awkwardly, behind Alistair as he told everyone the plan. His tone was inspiring, influenced by so many years as king. Everyone was listening, they all took in his words, in those moments I saw the King of Ferelden, and I felt proud of him.

The night was cold as we lay down for the night, over five miles from where our camp was attacked. No tree's lined the camp as we were camped by a cliff's edge; stars filled the sky. I noticed someone standing over me, gazing up I saw the long legs of Riona Cousland.

"May I join you?" She asked, lying down before I could refuse. As we lay side by side, I focused again towards the stars. "How's Alistair?" She asked, quickly breaking the comfortable silence.

I shifted uncomfortably. "He's fine, why?" I asked defensively.

"He seems so distant. Lately, you're the only one he talks to. And I heard you the other night back at the palace. You must know what's wrong with him." She kept pushing. I felt embarrassed that she had overheard us. However, I was more confused at _why_ she thought something was wrong.

"Alistair is fine. Even if he wasn't, it wouldn't be my place to tell you." She was irritating me already, I knew she was just concerned, but why couldn't she just go to Alistair herself. Why drag me into it?

Riona sighed. "I didn't mean to pry, I just can't help but worry about him." She hesitated. "I heard that Anders is here somewhere." She sat up and look at me, curiously. "I knew him before back in Amaranthine, before Justice took over." Did she want to talk about it? I raised an eyebrow at her.

I sat up too; I held my legs against my chest. I took in her features for the first time. Her blue eyes were perfectly shaped and seductive, her nose long yet petite, her mouth formed a stupid heart shape that any guy would love to kiss, including Alistair. Her hair deep black still tied into a tight bun. I wondered what I must look to her, my auburn hair hung messily down my back, a scar was forming just below my eye. My lips were perfectly rounded but covered in cuts.

"I know; Anders told me." I said bluntly. I didn't know where she was going with this. I really hoped she wasn't expecting us to be friends. Riona didn't look surprised that I knew, but she did look hurt at my bluntness.

"Cameron, I understand your loyalty to Alistair, but I'm sensing you have other problems with me." For once, she seemed uncomfortable,.

"Oh, of course I have problems with you. Like I spent the past 14 years fretting over what you do and do not do. Oh, and just 'cause you're the Hero of Ferelden means I'm going to fall at your feet…Look Riona, yes I'm loyal to Alistair; I do think you're a great person and I'm grateful you saved us all. However…"I hesitated. What was I going to say? That I was jealous of her? That I only hated her because Alistair used to love her? In my mind and at this moment I finally realised I was a petty, jealous 35 year-old woman with only two friends to my name.

Riona looked upset by my tone. "I'm sorry you feel that way." She stood up to walk away; in my guilt I rose to stop her.

"I'm sorry Riona. I'm…Jealous." I hung my head in embarrassment.

"Of what?" She was clearly bemused. I raised my head to see her confusion. Surely she knew or even sensed what I was talking about.

I looked away from her, disgusted with myself. "Your gorgeous, you know it, everyone knows it. How can I compete with you?" I bit my lip. Riona raised her eyebrow still confused. _Ok, she might be a Hero but was she really that dumb? _"I have no chance with you around." My shoulders sagged just as realisation came to her face.

"You mean…you and Alistair?" She tried a reassuring smile. "There is nothing between myself and Alistair, not anymore. I did love him once upon a time, but I've since moved on. I'm sorry if you feel I'm stealing your limelight. But do you think so low of yourself? If I may be so bold, you're a gorgeous woman and I've heard the guard's talking about your amazing, butt…" She smiled, with a playful wink. I began to feel a liking for this woman. Her words rang with truth, and I felt I needed to repay her for my childish behaviour.

"Thank you, Riona." I reached out and hugged her; she didn't hesitate to hug me back. "Tell you what; to show you I'm not always the childish woman you just saw confessing her jealously, how about I treat you to the finest lunch of all. Wolf soup." I pulled back and winked at her. She giggled under her breath, as I pulled her back toward camp.

I woke to find that it would be another sun-filled day. I rolled over to find Riona only a few feet away, sleeping soundly. Last night had been full of gossip and stories. I had learned the full truth behind her family's death. Once or twice I cursed Arl Rendon Howe's name under my breath. I sat up to meet the curious eyes of Alistair, who had risen from his tent on the other side of camp. I smiled at him, graciously, and then I picked myself up and walked over to him. I gave him a warm hug, and another blush immediately crept onto my cheeks. It was like an alarm sounding, that I was clearly attracted to this man. Alistair laughed as I pulled away. "Have a fun night?" He asked, nodding towards Riona who was still asleep. I grinned widely.

"She's great to talk to. I do not understand how you could ever have let her go." Alistair frowned but didn't comment, as I imagined slamming my head against a brick wall. "Sorry, it's just hard to think of her betraying you like she did."

Alistair shook his head. "Don't fret, Cam. She is a great person. And I'm glad you two finally got acquainted." He smiled down at me. I felt the need to kiss him. I ducked behind him and into his tent. "Cam?"

"Come here." I called out. He crawled into the tent. Kneeling in front of me, I shifted forward to plant a kiss firmly on his lips.

"What was that for?" He breathed as I leaned back onto my heels.

"Let's just say, I got a kick in my ass." I winked at him; I knew there was a long way to go before we could be official, but life is short, Alistair's was even shorter than mine, so I had to take every chance I got.


	7. Chapter 6 - to be rewritten

**Disclaimer: I realised I should have done this at the start. I do not own Dragon age or any of the characters in it, or anything else. I am only responsible for what goes into this story. **

**A/N- : Just so that nobody thinks otherwise, Zevran and Alistair look nothing like they do in DA2. They just look a little bit older than they did in Origins, but only a little. I think they looked horrible in DA2. That's not to say I didn't love DA2. And thank you to everyone who have read, favourite and reviewed my story. Sometimes I feel as if it's rubbish, but thank you for your feedback. Also I will try and make my chapters longer. Another thing, if I have made any mistakes at the beginning it was because I didn't have a beta, but I do now. Thank you. **

**Chapter 7 **

I never realised how far away Antiva was, until I walked for two months through Orlais. Now, we were half way through Nevarra making a stop in Cumberland. Cassandra was ecstatic; I noticed her bounce on her heels as we entered the Nevarran border only three weeks before. Riona had informed me that Pentasghast was the name of the royal family in Nevarra. This surprised me more than seeing Cassandra bouncing in on her heels.

The Circle of Magi in Cumberland was grand, the tower rose high from the ground overlooking the Waking Sea. A moat circled the tower; it was almost half a mile in width. The moat joined onto the Waking Sea, seemingly making it apart of the sea, but Riona disagreed. A wooden bridge stretched out over the moat, at the far end a large iron gate fenced in the mages. I walked quietly beside Riona. As we approached the gates, I felt intimidated by how they towered high above us. I feared stepping inside. I feared I'd be locked in forever.

Four Templars, strapped in brass armour, glared down on us as we approached. Cassandra took one aside, they talked quietly. Their heads inches apart as Cassandra explained why over forty soldiers, ten mages and The King of Ferelden were storming towards their doors. The guard seemed relaxed as he spoke to her, almost absorbed in the conversation. Cassandra was more relaxed than guarded, her lips moved quickly as she explained. Only a few minutes later, the gates opened to allow us in. Most of the soldiers stayed put, keeping our mages away from Nevarra Templars. Sticking close to Riona, I kept my eyes down. Beside me, Riona walked with her head held high. I tried to imitate her but as soon as my eyes caught one of the Templars I lowered my eyes. I felt Riona clutch at my arm, helping me keep pace with her. I didn't know why this sudden awkwardness had engulfed me.

We entered into a large room; the ceilings rose high above us. The brick work showed that this was an old building. Large red curtains were pulled away from the two windows either side of us. In the middle lay a circular red rug with golden crests stamped the rug's perimeter. I tried to see if I recognised any of them. The only one I recognised was the one that had been on Cassandra Pentaghast's armour. I awkwardly stood to the side with Tomas, Zevran, and a few other soldiers. I tried my best to stay in the middle of group; however Zevran seemed to find it funny to push me forward. A few eyes trained on us as we squabbled, hanging my head in embarrassment, I turned around and kneed him in the unmentionables. A high squeak broke from his lips as he caressed himself. I turned back to the room, crossed my arms and smiled. A lump formed in my throat as I noticed everyone staring. Shying away from everyone, I hung my head again in shame. My antics were soon forgotten however, as Cassandra continued her conversation with the Circle's First Enchanter and Knight-Commander.

After what felt like forever, Cassandra, Riona and Alistair finally came over to us. Cassandra looked more annoyed than usual. She was chewing fiercely on the inside of lip. She didn't look like she was about to explain what had gone on. Instead, Riona stepped forward; she also looked annoyed.

"Well, it seems as if these mage's are refusing to give us anything. Well, anything of importance." She nearly growled the last part out. Abruptly, all eyes turned on me. My stomach curdled as I realised their intentions. Cassandra glared at me from the corner of her eyes.

"I can't." I breathed. Cassandra's hand shot out and grabbed me by the hair. Anger soared through me as she yanked at my hair, her face inches from mine. I didn't know what came over me as I bent her wrist back and pushed her away. She cursed in pain. "Fine." I spat. I hated doing other people's dirty work.

Stalking towards the First Enchanter, my head spun. I had no idea how I was going to do this. Or what the outcome would be. But I had to do something to keep Cassandra off my back. The man frowned as I approached him, he didn't look as intimidating as the Templars. But his small eyes looked tired and warn, as if he had seen many things and wished to see no more. He was leaning on a piece of wood that looked like it had tracings of Ironbark; the markings looked Dalish. Instantly, I knew this man was wise and had knowledge of things that I'd never dream of.

"Hello, my name is Cameron Hawke. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, First Enchanter." I held my hand out to him; he took it firmly in his left. He bent down and kissed my skin, lightly. I smiled as a blush threatened to give me away. He dropped my hand and eyed me curiously. I knew instantly that this man was handsome in his youth. His jaw was wide and his nose straight and long. Up close his eyes were a golden colour; his eyelashes were long and feminine. Although his face was wrinkled, he looked more like a happy granddad than an old mage.

"It is always a pleasure to meet beautiful women such as yourself." His voice was not as attractive as his appearance. His speech was slurred, which didn't suit his deep voice. Remembering my mission, I straightened up.

"I've come to understand that you refused my companions information of the _disagreements_ between the Mage's and the Templars. I am not too pleased about this. You see, we want what is best for everyone. I'm one of the few people who witnessed the start of this…_disagreement._ And it has brought great displeasure to me and my companions to learn that the _disagreement_ did not stop there." I felt as if I was rambling, the First Enchanter was certainly not impressed with my choice of words.

I knew fully well that those _disagreements _turned into something real, when the Templars slaughtered the Mage's in the Gallows of Kirkwall. However I also knew that Meredith the Knight-Commander had encouraged this behaviour from her growing insanity. In the last fight I had sided with the Templars in hopes to change her mind. Once we cornered the mages, I realised the First Enchanter had been right, but he was convinced there was no hope and called upon the very power that had threatened his own safety. Both Orsino and Meredith were desperate to prove they were right. I had been right in the middle of this. But when Meredith threatened my sister Bethany, I realised her insanity was far worse than I had anticipated.

The First Enchanter glared at me. "I know you. You're that so called 'Champion of Kirkwall' aren't you. Orsino was a great man. You and your evil Templars killed him." He pointed at me in anguish. His slur was gone and his back was straight, he looked far younger in his moments of anger.

"Orsino killed himself!" I shouted back. I had been content with my decisions. "I tried to make him see reason... But his stubbornness got the better of all of him. He refused to reason and instead turned to blood magic." I had to take deep breaths to regain myself. I never realised after all these years remembering that day could still anger me. The First Enchanter looked taken aback by my outburst; he waved his hand at something behind me. Turning his gaze fully on me I awaited his threats.

"You are very brave to make those accusations. However you are not the first to tell me this. I think we need to go somewhere quieter and you tell me the full story." He turned and hobbled away, with a quick glance at the concerned group of watchers. I smiled and ran after the First Enchanter.

I had told him everything I could remember. He sat and listened showing nothing to tell me that he thought I was lying. It was hard bringing up everything. Reminiscing about what once was the hardest time in my life. I told him about the suspicious murders that unfortunately led to the death of my dear mother. By the end of my story I was in tears, even at 35, I wished I had my mother to cuddle me and tell me everything was going to be alright. The First Enchanter watched me and then he seemed to have come to a decision.

"The Mage's want their freedom as you know. They want a life without Templars breathing down their necks. And if starting this war may offer them this freedom they'll do it. From what I've heard chaos has engulfed Ansburg, that's the tower between Antiva and the Free marches. I recommend you go there and try and make peace. You know what..." He took out a piece of parchment, and wrote something down. He shoved it into my hands. "Take this, Use it as a last resort. I know fully well these mages need to be stopped. And I'm sure with my help you'll sort this mess out." He winked at me. As I left the room; I felt proud of myself. I wanted this war to end, mainly for my sister's sake. I only just realised that everything I did these days was for her.

We spent the night four miles away, in a large clearing. I set up my tent just inside the trees next to a large undergrowth. The place was secluded and it fit me perfectly. Not far from the clearing was a small river, from my tent I could hear the wild rapids heading down river. Some of the soldiers had made a large fire in the middle of the clearing to give us all heat. I could smell the heat. I would have moaned at them if it didn't warm me up. I spent my evening in my tent, reading by candlelight. I couldn't bear to sit with the others and have them all staring at me. Everyone had witnessed my red face and sore eyes. Riona had steered me away from everyone. I had hoped her arms were instead Alistair's but that was wishful thinking. I missed our midnight chats like we had back in Denerim. Now both our nights were spent apart with other people to keep us company.

Halfway through the book, my stomach grumbled. I tried to ignore it, but that seemed to make the hunger scream at me. Bending the top of page, I rested the book beside the candle. I blew it out quickly and stepped out from the tent. I stretched to relax my tense muscles from hours of lying down. Heading into the clearing, I made my way over to the soldier who was cooking beside the fire. He looked up as I approached him. As I got closer, I realised it was Tomas, he hastily scooped up some meat onto a plate and handed it to me. I took it gratefully. I sat down on the ground facing the fire. Tomas came and sat beside me, plate in hand. We ate quietly together. Tomas had become a friend; he chose to listen to me as I moaned about the day before. He had told me of his involvement in the undead battle at Redcliffe during the Blight. He secretly confessed to me that he had wanted to run away and would have if not for the fact if he did the undead creatures would have killed him on the spot. This bit of information had put me off for a bit. But I soon realised he only wanted to stay alive.

As I headed back to my tent, I noticed an outline leaning against the tree. As I got closer I noticed the solemn face of Anders. I walked quickly towards him. "What do you want?" I said, placing my hand on my hip.

Anders lifted his head to look at me. His eyes were black with bruises. Cut's covered his face. His lip looked like it was about to explode from his face. Old feelings flooded through me as I stepped forward and ran my finger across his wounds. He frowned at me, but didn't stop me. When I realised my actions I dropped my hand and stepped away. "Well?" I asked, irritation on my lips. I quickly stamped out my actions.

"I wanted to see you Cammy." His voice was weak as he pushed himself away from the tree. My nostrils flared at the nickname he used to call me. He stepped towards me. "I have to say sorry." He reached out, catching a strand of my hair in his fingers. He smoothed it behind my ear. I reached down and fingered the dagger on my side. He carried on stroking my cheek, as I clutched the dagger. He was about to lean into me when I brought the dagger up to his throat. A gasp escaped his lips as I backed him up against the tree.

"You have no right to say sorry. The funny thing is, I don't even hate you Anders. I pity you." I spat at him, even in my words I could feel the tears threatening me. I took the dagger from his throat, and stepped away. "Just go away, Anders…please." The dagger dropped from my hand, and the tears fell. I could sense Anders wanted to comfort me, but he thought better of it and walked away.

As I lay down on my sleeping bag, I felt more alone than I had for the past few years. I realised I couldn't bear to be alone. Emerging from my tent, I walked around the camp. Propping up the tent, I intended to go to. I heard the sounds of heavy sleepy breathing. Crawling inside, I laid next to the Alistair. He stirred as I snuggled into him.

"Cameron?" He said. His arm pulled me closer when he noticed my tears.

"Hold me." I cried. I fell instantly asleep.


	8. Chapter 7 - to be rewritten

**A/N: Just to warn people, this chapter may seem graphic or part of it. I'm warning people now, so if you come across it and didn't expect it. Well I can't warn you any better than this. Just don't read it if you don't like it. **

**Chapter 8**

'_Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him._

_Foul and corrupt are they_

_Who have taken __**his **__gift_

_And turned it against his children._

_They shall be named Maleficar, assured ones._

_They shall find no rest in this world_

_Or beyond.'_

_-Transfigurations 1:2_

The air smelled damp, my head pounded as I pushed myself lightly from the ground. Trying to lift myself up, I felt pressure on my waist. Groggily, I twisted around onto my back. With half open eyes I could see an arm slung over me, the arm was half tanned and the skin was tight against the muscle. Reaching out I ran my hand over the small hairs that tickled my skin. Without warning the arm tightened around me, I gazed down at a sleeping man. His mouth was hanging slighting open, as his chest rose up and down; I could feel his chilly breath against my arm. I took me only a few seconds to register who this man was. Panic curdled in my stomach as I tried to recall what happened last night. I could remember the visit from Anders; and how I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I could remember the tears that stung my eyes; I could remember not wanting to be alone. But why couldn't I remember seeking out Alistair? As on cue, Alistair stirred beside me, I watched him as his eyes slowly opened. He made a strange sound with his mouth as it opened and closed. I forced a smile as I watched the expression on his peaceful face grow into curiosity as he realised someone was with him. The smile faded as I realised he was looking up at me, his eyes danced with amusement and confusion, I saw that he was trying to remember how I got their as well.

"Well, don't you look rough?" He breathed. I could feel his finger tickling my stomach. A lump formed in my throat and I couldn't shake it away while he was watching me. Leaning up on my elbows, I glared down at him.

"Oh…gee thanks, Alistair." My voice was hoarse and I immediately regretted speaking, I clutched at my throat, which felt like it had been ripped open. Alistair sat up with me; his slung a comforting arm around my shoulders.

"What happened Cam?" He took one of my hands in his, his thumb stroking my knuckles. His concern quickly relaxed me . I wanted to cry on his shoulder and have him tell me everything would be ok. Instead I pulled my hand away from him, his open hand stilled on my thigh. I knew he was hurt but I couldn't let him deal with my problems on top of his own.

"It's nothing." I moved away from him and rested on my knee's facing the exit. "You don't need to worry about what's going on with me." I whispered; my head hung as I felt his hands on my shoulders.

"Oh come on, I'm a big boy now. I'll worry even if I don't need too." His thumbs started to massage my shoulders. I could feel the tears wanting to start up again; I fought them away by clenching my fists from the force of my grip my knuckles turned white. Alistair seemed to notice this as he sighed deeply. His hands didn't leave me as I tried to gently wiggle away from him. "Cameron." He seemed frustrated as he said this. I chewed on my lip contemplating and what to do. Annoyed at myself for turning a nice morning into an awkward moment, I twisted around and faced him. I was unable to look at him yet, so I focused on shaking. Alistair noticed this too as he placed his hands on top of mine. "You can tell me anything Cameron. Tell me why you came to me last night." He was calm but his voice held concern. I lifted my head up to look at him; I focused my gaze on the scar near his eyes.

"Anders." I said as if one word said it all.

"What about him?" He pressed. I frowned, confused at why he'd need more than just a name. I dwelled on how to carry on just as a high-pitched scream sounded outside the tent. On high alert both Alistair and I crawled from the tent into the clearing. I picked up my daggers that I had left outside the tent the night before. Alistair stayed by my side as we observed the scene before us. Decapitated bodies sprawled across the camp, I held in a sob at the sight. I covered my mouth as sick urges curdled my stomach. I looked sideways at Alistair who seemed close to tears. I ground my teeth together and narrowed my eyes. I ran around the camp looking for any signs of life, I could hear Alistair close behind me. After a brief look I noticed none of the bodies belonged to mages. Despair gripped me as I heard loud sobs from behind me. I turned round to find Alistair staring at a body. I followed his gaze to see Cassandra, still intact but in the centre of her stomach a large hole was burning. I choked back the sobs and fell to my knees. Her eyes followed me, making me recoil from her. Realising she was still hanging on to life I shifted forwards.

"We…wasss." She breathed. Her face winced in pain. A tear rolled down her temple and into her hair. "Betrayed." Her voice broke. My heart raced as her eyes started to close.

"No, Cassandra don't close your eyes." I gripped her shoulders and shook her fiercely trying to force life back into her. Her body was limp as I held her in my arms, but I kept shaking her, willing her to wake up.

"Cameron." Alistair was bent down behind me, his hand on my arm. I stopped shaking and let the tears fall. I didn't know her very well. In fact I didn't like her much either. But she was the one who demanded me to come out from hiding; she brought me back into the land of the living. She wanted nothing more than to rid this world of evil and war. She had believed in me when I wanted nothing more than to spend my life regretting every moment of what I had done.

"This can't be happening." I growled as he took Cassandra from my arms and placed her on the floor in front of me. I stood up abruptly, making Alistair jump. He stood up too and wiped the wet from his cheeks. My head shot up and my voice was just lower than a squeak. "Riona." I ran to her tent that she had set up not far from mine. Her tent was shredded to pieces; blood had stained the sheets. A gasp from Alistair's lips spurred me into action. Running towards the destroyed tent, I realised no one was there. I heard a small whimper, snapping my head around I saw Riona knelt beside a tree clutching her arm that had blood oozing from it. I couldn't move. "Alistair?" I gasped. At my voice he ran towards her.

"I'll take care of her, you go see if there is anyone else." He ordered. I nodded, and then ran back towards the clearing. Now I was alone, questions stabbed at my brain. Why was this happening? Who did this? Why was I still alive whilst people were dying around me? I counted the bodies as I walked around the destroyed camp; there was less than half of what there was. Where was everyone? I hadn't seen Tomas or Zevran. In fact I hadn't seen any mages including Anders.

I stood in the same spot as I did the night before with Tomas, observing the bodies that were laying in pieces around the camp. Trying to look for a sign that wasn't there. My stomach lurched, and I was violently sick. I ran back to where I left Alistair tending to Riona, they were sitting awkwardly beside each other, silently waiting for my return.

"Everyone is dead." I sighed, crossing my arms over my chest. Alistair's face cringed in anger and his fist punched the floor. His mouth opened and closed but no words escaped him. I shook my head knowing what was going through his head. "No, we are going to distance our selves from this place." Alistair stared at the ground, not really listening to me. "Now!" My voice was almost a shout.

I felt bad for leaving Cassandra and the other dead bodies behind. But I knew there was nothing else I could do for them. We had to support Riona for about two miles before she could run on her own.

We ran for a long time, no words were spoken and we hardly acknowledged each other. By the time we got to a nearby village, we were freezing, hungry and extremely irritable. We headed straight for the Chantry. People stopped to glare down at us as we walked by. I tried to ignore the whispers. I tried to approach the peaceful looking villagers but they recoiled away from me. I glanced back at Alistair who frowned to himself. I caught his eye and he shrugged, took both Riona's arm and mine and led us towards the Chantry.

This village looked a lot like Lothering once did, except it was much bigger. Each house seemed to have a farm of it's own. There were a dozen stables in each farm. Grass covered the ground, but the years of people walking across it had worn it down. I could smell the nature here better than anywhere else and it soothed my pounding headache. Inside the Chantry I left Alistair and Riona awkwardly sitting next to each other as I went in search for help. Walking through the aisle I admired the mountain of candles near the front of the room. A movement caught my eye and I noticed the man praying in front of them. As I got closer I realised he was shaking, and I saw the white blonde hair that fell around his elven ears.

"Zevran?" I reaching out to grasp his shoulder, he jumped up in shock and cowered in fear. I recoiled from the shock of his features. His nose was bent in, as if it had been punched repeatedly with incredible force. His bottom lip was split in two and his eyes were bloodshot.

"Ca-?" Spit came out of his mouth as he tried to speak to me. Relief flooded his eyes but I couldn't share his feelings. Fear cascaded over me, and I immediately threw my arms around him. Seeing such a brave person in this state gave me no hope.

Riona screamed when she saw Zevran, the first sound she made in days. Instead of recoiling she threw her arms around him and led him to sit down beside her. She tended to his injuries like a mother tended to her child, she was gentle but I could see her hands slightly shaking. Alistair stood up when he saw Zevran frozen in place. I could see in his eyes that things were getting too much for him so I went to him and took his hand in mine. "We will get through this." I whispered as I led him away from the couple.

"It's happening all over again." His voice broke; he brushed at his face to rid himself of the tears. I turned into him and slid my arms around his waist. I didn't have to ask to know what he was talking about. Ostagar had scarred him for life.

From a weak translation from Riona we had learned the mages had turned against everyone at the campsite. The attack had been planned from what she said. I had asked her if Anders had been amongst those mages his hesitation gave me the answer. I had sworn silently to myself that I'd get revenge on him. The Revered Mother helped us, graciously, in return for our help against bandits who had been killing the local livestock. She tended to our wounds with special healing herbs and we found out we were on the boarder of Nevarra and the Free Marches. Riona had stayed by Zevran's side constantly, it had become clear to both Alistair and me that their relationship had develop into a romance. She still didn't speak to me and I didn't try to speak to her in fear of her ignoring me.

Two days after our arrival I heard a demonstration outside the village tavern where we were staying. I had dragged Alistair from his slumber outside, to finally get fresh air into his lungs. He had been too upset to leave the room. It was clear day, the clouds were no longer in the sky, and the wind caressed our skin. I held Alistair's hand tightly to me as we watched. I knew he didn't want to be there, but I also knew it was because he wanted to go back to Ferelden. The Revered Mother had informed me of his secret meetings with her to send a messenger to Denerim to get help. Unfortunately for him, we had no money; no recourses, and we wanted to wait until Riona was fully healed.

"Evil! Evil has befallen us once again. Blood mages are rampaging through our cities. We must stand against them!" This was the only part that had gotten my attention. I gazed at the stocky demonstrator and knew he had to have more information. I left Alistair by the Chantry steps as I headed over to interrogate the man. As I got closer, he noticed me coming and walked away. I followed him into an alley. He leant against the wall and eyed me curiously.

"Who are you?" He asked.

I stepped closely up to him, trying to make myself look intimidating. I raised my eyebrows at the smug smile he gave me. "That doesn't matter. What does matter is what I need from you." He rolled his eyes and spread his arms out in front of him.

"What is it you need, baby?" He was being cocky, and it irritated me. I pushed his shoulder back as I glared at him.

"You said cities have been rampaged by mages. What ones?" I tried to stay serious, as he looked shocked from me being physical with him.

"Oh. Most of Orlais, but I do hear Kirkwall is next." He raised a hopeful eyebrow and I sneered at him, then I smiled gratefully, turned on my heel and ran back to Alistair. He looked bored and jumped up as I walked over to him.

"Well?" He asked.

"I'm going to Kirkwall."

Alistair hesitated then frowned at me. "Are you crazy? He looked at me as if I was losing my mind

"Bethany is in danger, Alistair. I have to save her." I knew full well she'd be in danger. She'd never succumb to murder. She'd be the one protecting everyone. Which meant she was in danger.

"Well, you're not going alone. You do know this wont be easy?" I gazed into his eyes and realised. I never have to be alone. Not anymore.

"I'd tear down the sky if it would save her." I gazed up at the sky and made my silent promise.

**A/N: Okay, anyone who plays Final fantasy will know that I took that last piece of dialogue from Fang in 13. But I only did that because I felt it showed the emotion. **


	9. Chapter 8 - to be rewritten

.Chapter 9

After I awoke, I gazed up at the ceiling and thought for a long while. I could feel no hope, then bedsprings bounced and I felt the brush of warm skin against mine. I gazed sideways at Alistair who was still sleeping, his eyebrows creased together like he was having a bad dream. I brushed the back of my hand across his forehead and smoothed the crease away. Hope flooded through me as his eyes fluttered open. Things between us were changing; I was beginning that perhaps I didn't have to be alone anymore.

Alone. The very word fills me with despair. I rolled over and nuzzled into Alistair's arms. I laid my ear above his heart and listened to its steady beat. Slowly, I brushed my lips over his skin and I felt him tremble beneath me. His hand came up and laid across my arm, I felt his nose nuzzle into my hair. I hoped it didn't smell disgusting.

"Are we leaving soon?" He asked quietly, stroking the side of my arm with his fingers. I nodded. Slowly sitting up, my head started to pound again like it had every morning since we had to flee for our lives.

Alistair looked at me. "Did you get much sleep?"

"As much as one can get with a companion who snores." I teased, patting his leg. In fact, I didn't get any sleep and not because of Alistair's snoring . Everytime I tried to sleep, I was plagued by nightmares of what happened to Cassandra and about that horrendous night. I had tried thinking happy thoughts like killing the bastards that killed them o_r_ strangling Anders so hard his head would fall off. Climbing out of bed I thought back to when we were all at the Cumberland Circle.. All those mages seemed to want to help us; they wanted the people, who were probably once their friends, dead for harming all those innocents. Back then I disliked Cassandra very much, but thinking about it now, she only did what she had to do. Even it meant she had to use people.

I stood up and took in the small room we were renting. A wooden rocking chair sat in the corner next to our bed; I had left my armour strewn across it. A wide dressing table lined the far wall opposite the door; candles filled the table and gave us light at night. The walls looked damp and pieces of paint were coming loose. I wonder when was the last time they had even decorated. Silk, white, patterned sheets had been laid neatly across the mattress on our bed. I looked at Alistair who was curiously watching me, a smug grin on his face. "What?" I said, feeling another blush threatening to embarrass me.

"I was just admiring your bed hair." He stretched his arms out wide and yawned. A laugh escaped his lips as I hastily checked myself in the mirror. I did have bed hair; my red locks stuck out in numerous places looking like a lions mane. I patted them down vigorously with no avail. Rushing to my small bag that I had scavenged from some woman who no longer wanted it. I took out a silver platted brush that was once my mothers and brushed through the knots in my hair. When I was satisfied with how I looked, I packed away my things that had been stranded across the room. I gazed at Alistair who was pulling his armour over his head. Catching a glimpse of muscle I felt the heat returning and quickly turned away. I started to undress, pulling the nightdress over my head; I threw it onto the bed. I could feel Alistair's eyes on me but I tried to ignore it. We still hadn't spent a romantic night together and I refused to do it while I believed my sister to be in danger. I had no direct proof that she was in danger but who needed proof when a horde of blood mages were stampeding towards Kirkwall intent on killing anything that got in there way. Deep down I believed my sister would never succumb to becoming an abomination. I believed she would want to protect the people. Of course I had no proof of that either. But we spent every day of our childhood and teens together, if I didn't know her better than anyone then clearly I was stupid. I pushed my armour down over the woollen under clothes the Revered Mother had given me. I picked my daggers off the floor and slid them into their scabbards. Picking up the small bag from the floor I took out a band and brushed my hair up into a bun. Tightening the band, I felt the pull and had to grind my teeth as a few strands of hair were pulled from my head. Finally ready, I patted myself down and turned back to Alistair who was against the wall playfully asleep. Since I told him that we were leaving he had seemed livelier and it was comforting. I giggled as a loud snort came from his nose; he shook his head and opened his eyes wide pretending that it had startled him.

"You are so immature" I teased through my giggles. I strolled over to the door, opening it slightly. "Ready, Mr funny?" I gestured with my hand for us to leave. Alistair turned up his nose and strutted from the room. I tried to stop giggling as we headed towards Riona's room, but when I heard sobs coming from her room, my smile and sunny morning vanished. I knocked loudly on her door and signalled for Alistair to wait outside. Slipping into her room, I saw that everything was clean and neat, which was typical of her. It seemed to me that now that everything was organised she had nothing to stop her from crying. I walked towards the bed and sat beside her, I didn't put my arm around her but I rested my hand close beside her leg.

"Nothing is going right for me anymore." She shoved a piece of parchment into my hand, and then went back to covering her face. I unravelled the crumpled parchment and read quietly.

_Oh, my beautiful Riona. You do not need me bringing more sadness to your life._

_Go with Hawke and the royal bastard and forget about me. I will be heading _

_back to Antiva and please do not follow. Know that I love you and_

_I'm only doing this for your sake. _

_Love always, Zev. _

I glanced at Riona who was distraught. My heart went out to her and I thought of how I'd feel if Alistair decided to leave me, I hated the feeling and finally threw my arms around her. We cried together. The door slammed open and a concerned Alistair seemed to suddenly regret walking into a room of crying women. I shooed him with my hand; two seconds later the door closed again. After a few minutes Riona pulled away, wiping the tears with her sleeve. "I'm not supposed to cry. I'm the Hero of Ferelden, for Makers sake."

I watched her sad face and knew that title was becoming too much for her. I reached up and brushed a strand of hair from her eyelash. "Even the archdemon slayer must be a human sometimes." I smiled warmly at her. She laughed weakly.

"I just don't understand. He told me he didn't want to hurt me anymore. So he just ups and leaves. Doesn't he understand that I need him?" She sighed, sitting back on the bed; her gaze wandered around the room, as did mine, and I noticed a small object on the dressing table. Pushing myself off the bed, I walked over and picked it up. I held the ring close to my eyes, examining it. _My love_ had been engraved on the inner side. Was this a gift from Zevran? I took a couple steps towards Riona and held it out to her.

"He loves you. Let that guide you and hold on to the hope that you'll see him again one day. Don't drown yourself in despair because you know he wouldn't want that. If you want to join me to Kirkwall, know that you're very much welcome. If not, I wont hold it against you. Just know that Alistair and I are here for you." I leaned down and kissed her forehead, pushing the ring into her hand. I left her sitting on the bed thinking over my words. I joined Alistair outside and handed the note over to him; I watched him as he read the words. His eyebrows creased in concentration, I thought I saw anger there too.

He looked back up, concern written all over him. He slouched onto his right leg and his eyes wider than usual. "Is she ok?" He spoke with so much concern I almost thought he's run in there, embrace her, and smother her with it..

"Only she can tell you that." I nibble on the inside of my lip as he turned to look at her door. He contemplated on going in but looked as if he decided to stay.

He shook his head. "I doubt she'd want me to comfort her." I knew he wanted to comfort her and I knew it was because he still felt strongly about her, but not in the romantic way. They had obviously grown attached during the blight, and those feelings wouldn't just suddenly disappear.

"Alistair, you may not realise it but you mean more to her than you think. Go comfort her. I'll be downstairs…" I pointed over his shoulder. "With the mob." I smiled warmly as I took his hand. He leaned into me and kissed me lightly on the nose.

X X X

I was on my third ale before Alistair and Riona came down the stairs. The men beside me cheered as I stepped away from my stool. I didn't know why that had done that but it had caused Riona to glance at them with curiosity. They cheered louder when they saw her. She was dressed in golden armour, her hair tied into a curly pigtail. She looked closer to a goddess than to human. Riona gave me a warm hug, as she got close. Alistair stood to the side, awkwardly. As we walked outside I felt his hand take mine and I couldn't help but smile. Riona started to bounce lightly on her toes as we headed towards the guide that was going to lead us to our boat. I eyed her suspiciously; Alistair tugged on my hand. But I turned to them both.

"What's going on?" I asked them, they glanced at each other. Alistair nodded encouragingly at her, only making me more suspicious. I narrowed my eyes at them.

Riona didn't look at me as she spoke. "I'm not coming with you; I'm going to Antiva." When she said 'Antiva' she looked straight into my eyes.

"But I thought-" I started but she cut me off

"Alistair made me realise that I cannot live without Zevran. I know this will be going against his wishes but he's not the only one in our relationship. I'm going to fight for him." Her eyes smiled but her mouth didn't. She stepped towards me and took my left hand in both of hers. "Thank you, Cameron Hawke." She brought the back of my hand to her lips. And left a sloppy wet patch from her tongue. I squealed, slapping her away. We giggled quietly. Riona stared into my face and smiled wondrously.

"Go on, you dirty girl." I pushed her away from me playfully. She looked towards Alistair and nodded her goodbye. He returned the nod. I watched her walk away from us, her hips bouncing as she walked. I realised I might never see her again but I didn't run after her. I was never one for 'goodbyes' even if they were forced upon me.

X X X

We arrived at our destination four hours later. We only encountered giant spiders on our trek, which had been easy enough to deal with. Alistair hadn't broken a sweat, he still looked as perfect as he always did. When we weren't fighting we held hands, I felt more at home with him than I have for more than five years. Although I was afraid. I was scared I might not be enough for him when he'd sigh heavily if he thought I was wasn't looking. .

Our boat was fairly large but narrow, a large sail post rose from the centre. A flag on the top made me freeze. _Isabella_, I mouthed to myself. Letting go of Alistair's hand I ran towards the **ship**, Isabella would kill me if I called her baby a _boat_. Alistair followed closely behind me, on high alert. I realised he didn't recognise the ship or the flag. I saw Isabella furiously scolding one her crewmates. A grin spread across my face as she caught sight of me. Shock then happiness spread across hers as she recognised the crazy women running towards her. Excited, she ran towards me and threw her arms around my neck. We jumped around in a circle. I was so happy to see my old best friend again; it had really saddened me when we last parted ways. I thought it a major coincidence that she'd be the one to take me back to Kirkwall. It felt like fate.

"Well what a surprise to see you're skinny ass back in my presence after how many years?" She suddenly glared at me and I realised I had abused our friendship by rejecting her letters.

"I'm so sorry I ignored you. I was an idiot; please forgive me." I fell to my knees and grasped my hands together. Isabella threw her head back and laughed.

"Oh, get up you swine." She pulled me up by the elbow, but then she slapped me across the face. I clutched at the spot that stung. I cursed her under my breath. Our friendship had always been easy and fun. I had missed it dearly. A loud cough made me remember that Alistair had been behind me. We both turned to him. I took Isabella by the hand and led her towards Alistair. Isabella made a funny face at him and I suddenly recalled the story she had told me about her wicked night with a noble and a bastard prince.

"I don't think I need to introduce you two, do I?" I winked playfully at Alistair who looked on in horror at the women beside me. I imagined the memories of that night on Isabella's ship running through his mind. I giggled quietly to myself.

"What's the matter Alistair? Cat got your tongue?" Isabella chanted beside me before skipping over to him and planting a huge sloppy kiss on his lips. I hadn't expected her to do that and it irritated me, but I kept my feelings to myself. Alistair quickly brushed at his lips, then rushed over to me. That was a clear sign of _help me._ I took Alistair's hand and presented it to Isabella. Her jaw dropped. I felt insulted that she didn't think I could bag a king.

"Well, well, look at you Cameron Leandra Hawke." She cooed, she walked towards me and raised an eyebrow. "You have managed to surprise me twice in the same day." She raised her hand for a high five but I kept my eyes on her and my hands entwined with Alistair. She looked disappointed by my rejection but not surprised. Her face changed and she turned to her crew. "Set sail!"She shouted; her crew didn't hesitate. She gave me one last look then turned her back to us.

I tried my best to stay out of her way for a few hours to let her calm down. I had realised this was why I hadn't accepted her invitation to join her crew. Since Fenris, she never trusted any men that were ever interested in me. Neither had I, not until I had met Anders but then he committed the ultimate betrayal and broke my heart into a million pieces. I half blamed him for my making the wrong decision by siding with the Templars. I wish I could say that I fully trusted Alistair, but how could I when he hardly confided in me. Ever since we left Denerim things have changed. I suddenly knew what I could do to pass the time away from this trip.

Below deck I found Alistair playing a game of cards with one of Isabella's crewmembers. They were both entranced with the game. I stood by idly waiting for either one of them to notice I was there. I watched the concentration on Alistair's face, his bottom lip pouted and his eyes narrowed while his eyebrows furrowed. The other man's face was a blank page; his eyes seemed as if they were looking into nothing. I felt an arm slide through mine; glancing sideways I saw the large golden earrings slightly covered by long dark hair. Isabella eyed the men happily. "He's a good guy." Her voice was husky. She loosened her grip on my arm. She turned her head to look me in the eye. "If he's good enough to be a decent king, he's ok enough for you." She winked teasingly at me. I rocked on my heels then slid my arms around her waist. "But you know if he steps out of line I will have to kill him." I instantly moved away from her, pouting my lips.

"You always ruin our special moments." I huffed.

"Oh shut up and give me a hug you little tart." She threw her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. These were the moments I enjoyed in our friendship. The moments I felt more like we were sisters and not just best friends.

X X X

One week later we said our good-byes to Isabella. I tried my best not to cry as we hugged and may have been our final goodbye. I knew there might be a chance I could die in Kirkwall. But I didn't want her to know that. It was bad enough bringing Alistair along. However Alistair had told me back in our room on Isabella's ship that he'd follow me to the ends of the earth. And I believed him.

We walked through the quiet docks of Kirkwall; I tried to block out the memories of this place as I recognized certain things. We walked towards the dock that boarded us onto a ferry to the Gallows. Only ten minutes later I was walking through the large gates into the Templar filled grounds. I instantly recognized Ser Cullen who unfortunately was waling straight towards us. His eyes widened when he realized who was standing in front of him. I awkwardly smiled at him. He huffed at me and grabbed at my wrist. I didn't expect him to jerk me towards him. Behind me I heard Alistair lunged forward to help but looking back I saw two Templar's holding him back. Cullen jerked my arm to look back at him. "You have no business here." He growled, I felt the spit come from his mouth, making me want to gag. I shoved him away from me.

"I'm not here for business. I'm here for my sister. Now, where is she?" I spat back, Cullen wiped at his face.

"She's safe that's all **you **need to know." He waved his hands at the men behind me; Alistair was instantly at my side.

Anger surged through me. I didn't care what had happened over five years ago. I didn't care that I ran before making sure everyone was safe. That was then, this is now. "Tell me where the fuck she is before I go find her myself!" I shouted in his face. I wasn't being refused this time, not after all I've been through.

Cullen looked extremely shocked from the intensity of my anger. "Give me one good reason." His voice was calmer.

"Okay, how's this? A band of Blood Mages are marching their way here and I will not leave unless Bethany is by my side."

"Don't be idiotic, Blood Mages? How can you give me proof of that?"

"Hmmm." I sarcastically tapped my head, gazing out wondrously. "Oh…I know how about the dead body of Cassandra Pentaghast and ten Templar's four miles away from the Circle of Magi in Cumberland. Check the woodland area." I knew I shouldn't have used their deaths this way but it was all I could do to prove that things were worse than they thought. I had to save Bethany, like I said before 'I'd tear down the sky.' Cullen thought this over, from his hesitation I knew he didn't want to believe me. I waited patiently.

"Okay, so if what your saying is true. How does this mean you get to see your sister? Much less leave here with her?' He said. I froze; I hadn't thought this through properly. I had hoped everyone would have marched off so I could sneakily her out secretly. Clearly I was losing my touch.

"Please Cullen, You have to let me see for myself that she's ok. I'm going insane with worry." I begged. I might have just got on my knee's and kissed his boots till my lips started to bleed. Cullen didn't look convinced.

"You have a nerve returning back here." He eyed me then sighed. "Fine, I'll let you see her. But if you really want to make sure she is safe, stay here and prove to us your not lying about these blood mages." He whispered something to the short, blonde woman beside him and she ran off towards the tower. Relief flooded through me and so did excitement. I had always missed my little sister. Ever since she got taken away from us fourteen years ago.

"Thank you Cullen. And I will. I'll help you against the blood mages." Cullen had always been a good man and I didn't blame him for not wanting me around. He walked away without acknowledging what I said.

X X X

We were shown into a small room, four chairs were seated around the table that was in the middle of the room. One window looked out over water, I noticed the sun still high in the sky and wished I could walk around with Bethany out in the grounds instead of some box-like room. Alistair sat in the chair beside me as we waited for her. Apparently she had been overjoyed to know I was here to see her. When she entered the room, I saw how much longer her hair had grown since I last saw her. It lay in curls around her waist. She had put on a bit more weight but it made her look healthy and pretty. Her skin was flawless. She had dimple lines showing the years of laughter. I instantly smiled; it was good to know she was happy. The Templar who had ushered her in pushed her into a chair opposite me. There were no words I could speak.; I was reunited with my sister and I felt lost for words. I felt a deep urge to jump across the table and embrace her, but the glaring eyes of the Templar's scared me. Bethany seemed lost for words too, but she reached out with an up turned hand towards me, I took it. As our hands connected tears burst from both of us, I no longer cared about the terrifying Templars. I stood up leaning over the table and hugged her.

"I've missed you so much." She cried into my hair. I stroked my fingers through her hair like I did when we were children and I found her crying in her bedroom after Carver destroyed her favorite doll.

"You have no idea." I whispered, pulling back. I smiled before kissing her lightly on the lips. No matter how old we were, she was always the little girl who followed me around like an idolized puppy. We sat back down and Bethany caught sight of Alistair; she looked back at me and frowned quizzically. I blushed but hid it behind a smile; I took Alistair's hand in mine. "Sister, I'd like you to meet the King of Ferelden and my dearest friend." I didn't know if I should have called him my boyfriend because I didn't even know if he was. We never made it official. We just slept in the same bed and occasionally kissed each other. I wasn't complaining, but it would have been nice if he could confirm it once and a while. From Bethany's narrowed eyes I think she just didn't quite believe we were just friends.

She reached her hand out towards him. "It's an honour to meet you." He took it, but he pulled the back of her hand towards his lips.

"I'm more honoured to meet you Bethany, your sister has told me a great deal about you." Then he planted a gentle kiss on her hand. I watched Bethany as her face went red, I giggled silently to myself. _Oh Alistair, do you have any idea of the hold you have other women? _

We talked for hours, I told Bethany of what I had been up to since leaving Kirkwall. She seemed angry with me for hiding in my own little bubble. Once or twice I saw her roll her eyes. The truth was, I was so ashamed of myself for siding with Templars and letting all of the mages die, in the hopes of changing the former Knight-Commander's mind; I had thought myself to be a monster. In the end, I couldn't face anyone. Anders had betrayed me and everyone else, but with the pain in my heart I couldn't bring myself to end his life. I had run just like he did, at first I told myself that I was running after him to finish what I started. But when I reached Starkhaven I no longer had to will to carry on. After taking so many lives, I didn't have friends because I felt I didn't deserve any. I didn't have a home because I didn't deserve it. All I deserved was the sorrow that those mage's families were now feeling. For five years I lived with a false name and with no home. It wasn't until I had the letter from Cassandra that I finally realized I couldn't escape from the damage I had caused. I will still trying to atone for that damage, even though I didn't deserve anyone's forgiveness. I know I needed closure, and saving Kirkwall from the blood mage's might do just that.

Bethany sat there and listened to my plans, silently contemplating my words. When I was done she stayed silent before leaning forward and resting her elbows on the table in front of her. "Cameron, do you really think this is how you're going to find closure?"

I chewed on my lips but I kept my eyes on hers. "I don't know. But it's not just about that, innocent people died while I lived in Kirkwall and not all of them were because of Meredith. Mother died and it was because of a blood mage. I want to atone for the terrible mistakes I made and by coming here I hope I can do that." I could feel everyone's eyes on me and I knew that what I was doing was right. This was no longer about saving Bethany; this was about saving myself.


	10. Chapter 9 - to be rewritten

Chapter 10

We were given new armour and sharper weapons when Cullen finally received news of the Blood mage's attacks throughout Orlais. I knew he still doubted me, but with the King of Ferelden by my side he didn't challenge me. Whenever Alistair was around Cullen tried his best to make an impression. However when he wasn't around I noticed the icy glares that he would cast in my direction. I told Alistair about this and he informed me that Cullen still felt that I shouldn't be there. Because no one, especially Cullen, liked to disappoint a king, Alistair had taken advantage of his status and arranged for me to have regular visits with Bethany at the Gallows. Our visits were always in that same room, but I could see her for longer and Alistair convinced the Templar's to move in more comfortable chairs for us. Bethany and Alistair had found it very amusing to talk about embarrassing subjects that involved me. However, it seemed that they were becoming closer and it pleased me.

I stood by the fighting ring, trying to wipe the sweat covering my face and dripping down the back of my neck. The sun made it unbearable to stay inside, but now that I was outside I wished someone could throw cold water over me. I was stripped down to my small clothes; I could feel a pool of sweat forming between my breasts. I ran into the shadows, brushing a cloth over my face. I leaned against the wall and watched Alistair practice some of his 'moves.' I didn't know how he could stand the heat, but he was stripped down to just his loose trousers. A lump formed in my throat when he came outside to join me, the sight of his rippling muscles had made me even hotter. Tearing my eye's from Alistair, I noticed someone watching me; I had to blink a few times to remove the sweat from my eyes. Using my hand to shade my eyes from the sun, I noticed that it was Cullen who was watching me. Before I could pretend I hadn't seen him, he started walking towards me. I cursed under my breath.

"I hope your not getting comfortable here," he said unpleasantly. I couldn't blame him for disliking me, I had made something bad into something worse, and who's to say I wouldn't do it again without a thought.

"Don't worry as soon as this mess has been dealt with, I'm leaving and that is a promise." I did not meet his eyes, afraid to see the hate in them.

He came closer 'till he was inches from me. "Just remember that this is all your fault." He snarled. I backed away from but he kept coming closer, before I could step around him he had me back up against the wall. His arm cut my escape. "You are a disgrace to this city and a disgrace to your family. I wonder what your mother would say if she knew you abandoned the city she loved so much." Before I could retaliate, Cullen was suddenly flying backwards away from me. Alistair was suddenly in front me, his chest visibly rising and falling in anger. Cullen was instantly on his feet; once he saw Alistair, his expression became apologetic.

"Having fun are you?" Alistair shouted. I realised a crowd was gathering and I reached out to take hold of his arm. He either didn't notice the crowd or didn't seem to care as he slid his arm over my shoulder. He stood silently, but angrily, waiting for Cullen's reply.

Cullen held his hands out as an apology. "I'm sorry Your Majesty, I didn't mean to speak to her so strongly." He lied, but it sounded convincing even to my ears. However, Alistair was having none of it.

"You harass her again and I promise you're status as Knight-Commander will be terminated." At that moment, his voice was terrifying and I was scared he'd end up doing something drastic if I didn't step in. I tugged on Alistair's arm, after a few tugs he looked down at me and I pointed towards the growing crowd. He followed my finger and suddenly he began to relax. He looked back at Cullen briefly. His expression made it clear that Cullen wasn't worth his time. He kept his arm around me as we walked away. I noticed a few people in the crowd sigh with disappointment that there wasn't going to be a fight between the Knight-Commander and the King of Ferelden. I could feel the disappointment in Alistair too. I had never seen him so enraged, a strange feeling rippled through me.

When we entered the Hanged Man, I left Alistair at the bar and leaped up the stairs towards Varric's room. I found the dwarf in deep conversation with someone. It took me only seconds to realise who that someone was. My heart stopped as both Varric and Fenris turned to see who had walked in on them. Shock registered on both their faces. I don't know what made me do it, but I ran across the room and flung my arms around them, I felt them awkwardly pat the lower of my back. I guess what I did next startled both them, as well as me,, I sloppily kissed them both on the cheek and backed away to beam at them. Varric was the first to speak. "Hawke, what are you doing here?" He wasn't mean about it but I could tell that he had never expected to see me again. Fenris couldn't take his eyes off me, but it seemed that he couldn't form any words.

"I've came to see you silly." I didn't know where my words were coming from, it was like I wasn't myself anymore and someone else had taken over. Varric didn't look convinced, both his eyebrows rose quizzically at me. My body sagged as I finally came back to myself. "Why else would I be here? Stupid blood mages." I grimaced.

Varric looked bored but I saw a hint of concern in his eyes. "When will you ever be free, Hawke?"

His question was rhetorical but I felt a need to answer it. "When I'm dead." Fenris flinched as I said this, I caught his eyes but they were unreadable. I guess my sudden appearance might have been hard on him, because the last time we were in the same room together, he had broken up with me.

"Are you here alone?"

I didn't hesitate. "No, Alistair is downstairs." I motioned by pointing over my shoulder.

"Alistair?" Varric pushed.

"King of Ferelden." I said as if it was obvious. Of course neither of them knew that he was even out of his country.

"What are you doing here with _him_?" Fenris suddenly asked, a hint of jealously in his tone.

I bit my lip before answering. "Well were not here as friends." His eyes clouded over and he didn't say anything else. I felt jealously was stupid, if he really felt that way after all these years then why did he give me up in the first place. Things may have turned out differently if he had just learned to commit himself to me. But turning the blame onto Fenris did not change anything or relieve me of my guilt. Varric motioned for me to sit down on a chair, he clicked his fingers and a few human women rushed over three glasses of ale. Fenris downed his without even tasting it. He kept his eyes on the ground, silently waiting.

"Why don't you go fetch Alistair?" Varric said to me. I was out in a flash and back even quicker with my arm through Alistair's. I pushed him down onto a chair that was beside mine. He looked around bewildered but the dwarf and lyrium scarred elf caught his eyes. Varric held his hand out to him. "It's a pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Your Majesty. I hear Ferelden wouldn't be the same without you on the throne." Alistair took his hand and nodded, still confused at this sudden meeting.

I leaned towards him. "Alistair, I'd like you too meet Varric and Fenris they helped me out a lot when I lived here. They are dear friends." His head perked up when I said 'Fenris'. Of course I had told him all about Fenris. I hadn't been subtle with how I described him to Alistair and I knew he thought Fenris an idiot for breaking up with me. He looked Fenris up and down; I wish knew what he was thinking. Unexpectedly, Alistair held his hand out towards Fenris. I half expected Fenris to scoff at the guesture but it seemed like everyone wanted to surprise me today, he took Alistair's hand firmly in his.

"My pleasure, Your Majesty." Fenris said as if he always had the pleasure to meet with important people.

I could taste the manly pride in the air and decided it was time to change the subject. I turned towards Varric. "So Varric, how's business been?" I had heard a rumour of him taking over my job as the boss of the Bone pit mining. I knew he would be a far better boss than I ever could have been and not because I was a screw up. Varric had dedication and patience for a man who bossed around a group of wining lower-class men. I unfortunately could not stand thier wining, and once or twice had clobbered one of them over the head.

"To be honest, Hawke, not good. I took a leaf out of your book and punched one of the miners when he tried to force me into giving him more money than was due. Now the miners are threatening to leave if I don't publicly apologise and raise their wage's." He was clearly distressed but I knew he wouldn't submit to their threats without doing it on his terms. So basically he was telling me the business was bust. Leaning back in my chair I shrugged sympathetically.

Alistair gave me a stern look as I looked at him and I knew it was time to go. I slammed my hands onto my thighs and slid to the end of the chair. "Ok. Well, it was nice catching up but it's time we take our leave." Alistair was already half way out the door; I waved back at the two men as we left the room.

X X X

One candle sat on the dressing table lighting the whole room. I was already under the silk covers curling up against Alistair. He was propped up against the cold wall at the head of the bed staring blankly into the dark, one arm snaked around me. "So that was Fenris?" He suddenly asked without warning.

"Yes." I didn't know where this was leading and I was scared to know.

"He doesn't like me." He stated. He didn't seem sad or pleased with this; he was merely stating fact.

"Fenris doesn't like anybody, I don't even think he likes himself." Fenris never had any friends, I was the only person he talked to about personal things and even then it had only been simple things that I could have guessed.

"He's an idiot." He said. I didn't understand why he felt the need to tell me things I already knew.

"I know, Alistair. Why are we talking about him?" I perched up and my elbow and looked at him. He stared off into space but his arm tightened around me.

"I'd never leave you." This time he turned his head to look at me. His other hand came up and stroked my face. I crookedly smiled as the blush crept into my cheeks. Alistair always found a way to make me blush and each time it made my stomach flip.

"That's good to know." I smiled and leaned in to kiss him softly on the lips. As I went to pull away, his hand entwined in my hair and pulled me back to him. He kissed me sweetly; with his arm that was around me, he pulled me underneath him. I snaked my leg around his and pulled him closer. All thoughts of Fenris were lost.

As our kiss deepened, Alistair became more excited. His hands smoothed across my belly sending shocks through me. I bit down on his lip, which only excited him more. He cupped my bottom in both his hands and moved himself in between my legs. I could feel the bulge beneath his trousers, sending my head spinning. We had always stopped before getting to this point, then fall asleep in one another's arms, but I found myself desiring more. It didn't register to me that I wasn't scared, which I usually was if Alistair got too excited. He had always understood and had happily fallen asleep with me. His hand slid over my thigh and propped my leg up around him. His tongue flickered into my mouth sending waves of desire through me. He started to moan as our hunger intensified.

I could feel my heart hammering against my rib cage but I didn't want it too end. Pulling him closer, Alistair started lightly kissing along my jaw and down my neck, lumps formed in my throat from where he kissed. I felt a tiny prickle as his teeth bit into my skin, through the haze the sting didn't register. Arching my back, Alistair's hand cupped into the small of my back keeping me steady. I pushed lightly on his shoulder; he rolled over onto his back. I propped up on top of him lying along his hard body. Resting one of my hands on his chest, I gave him a slow, sensual kiss. Abruptly, I pulled away and rested along him. "I'm sorry, Alistair." I whispered. The fear had engulfed me when I finally registered where this was leading. I had wanted it too but I wanted our first time to be special. Not when we had just finished talking about the first man I had ever loved.

He stroked my hair. "You never have to be sorry, love." He kissed the top of my head. Rolling back onto the bed, he gathered me into his arms.

"I want it to be special. Because _you're_ special." I said as my eyes drooped. Alistair mumbled something that didn't make it too my ears as the darkness took over.

X X X

The next morning, I found an empty space where Alistair's body had been. I leaned up on my elbows and scanned the room. He wasn't here. I quickly slid out of bed and pulled my new armour over my head. Quickly checking myself in the mirror, I took out my brush and combed through the knots in my hai; I had to clench my teeth as I yanked at them . I was still pale after yesterday's sun, which wasn't at all surprising. If I wanted a tan, I would have to stay outside for a week. I put the brush back into the bag and left the room. We had been staying in one of the quest rooms at a new tavern called 'The Fishers Wife' that was in Hightown, just a two minute walk from my old estate. I had learned from Bethany that no one had lived there since I left and I had every right to take it back. I was still thinking about reclaiming it but I knew as soon as I was done with the mage's rebellion I'd return back to Ferelden with Alistair. We hadn't said as much but since he said he'd never leave me, I just assumed. Of course, I knew I had to confirm it with him sooner or later.

Walking out into the streets of Hightown, I saw for myself that nothing much had changed. I gazed at the building that was once the Chantry; they had recently finished rebuilding. I mentally cursed Anders. I still had to take my revenge but I was also still thinking of the fifty ways of torturing him. I walked silently with my head bowed so I didn't attract the attention of any nobles. I didn't look where I was going, when I bumped into someone with armour. I looked up to see a freckled face framed by red hair. Her eyes looked on in shook as she saw me. "Hawke?" She asked, softly.

"Hello, Aveline." I looked straight into the eyes of my old friend and felt like crying. She looked much older and her hair looked darker than I remembered. From her letters that I had read but ignored, I knew she had a child. I'd have thought she was too proud to let a young child to run circles around her. But something in her warm appearance told me she was happy. Beside her as child of about three peeked around her legs at me. I was too elevated by being near my old friend that I couldn't bring a smile to my face. More guilt filled me as I realised I had abused our friendship as well. The child was a girl, with fire red hair that supported the thousand freckles on her rounded face. Her eyes were like large blue sapphire's that twinkled with the young innocence of a child. She looked like a much younger version of Aveline just cuter to look at.

"What are you doing here?" Aveline asked, taking my attention away from her daughter. She wore the same shocked expression as everyone else did. Clearly, I'd made a surprising move by coming back here. _Had no one expected me to come back? Did they even want me to? I knew that Cullen definitely didn't want me too but we had never been on friendly terms. _

I kicked at a stone by my feet. "I'm here to help." I said softly.

She snorted. "Oh really, well don't run out on us. We might need an extra hand." She turned on her heel and guided her daughter away. The girl looked back over her shoulder, I politely waved but she turned away. My face dropped and I carried on toward Lowtown. I didn't feel like running after Aveline, because I didn't want to grovel. If no one wanted me here, I'd just be sure to leave as quickly as I could.

I found Alistair talking to a small man just outside the Hanged Man. They shook hands and the small man walked away. Curiosity drove me to confront him. "Who was that?" I asked, before Alistair caught wind of me. He spun on his heel, surprised. A smile spread across his face when he saw me.

"He's agreed to take a message to Denerim for me, I've been looking all morning for someone who was on his or her way to Ferelden. Sorry I didn't leave you a note, I didn't figure I'd be out this long." He gave me a short hug. Then he noticed the grim look on my face. "Bad morning?" He asked._Well If you counted waking up alone and bumping into an old friend who clearly despised me then, yes, yes it was_. Nodding in response, he gave me another, longer hug. But even that didn't help my bad mood.

We headed towards the docks to begin preparations for the attack. There were already templars stationed at each entrance into the city, including the sewage drains. Cullen would not make it easy for the blood mage's. From my calculations and findings I figured there were at least thirty blood mage's heading towards Kirkwall. Since ten mage's had been with our group and none of them had been dead bodies, rumours said that fifteen mages had attacked a city in Orlais before five or six more mage's had killed a large number of traveller's near Antiva. That was my estimate, but obviously Cullen thought differently.

On the boat to the Gallows, I sat closely to Alistair who was talking to a woman opposite us. She seemed thrilled to be talking to the King of Ferelden, and I had made it abundantly clear that Alistair was mine by kissing him while he was talking. He had been shocked and quietly scolded me for being rude and jealous. I just sat there happily, as she shot jealous, icy glares in my direction when she thought Alistair wasn't looking. I just sat there smugly smiling, and poking my tongue out at her. _Yes, I was in that mood. _I was the kind of mood were if I was having a shitty morning then I wanted to make sure everyone had one too, just so I'd feel better. I tried desperately not to let that happen to Alistair since he was excited about his letter to Denerim. We hadn't had a full-blown argument yet and I knew putting a dampening on his day would encourage one.

Cullen was the first to approach us and from the intensity of the look between the two men, I knew yesterday hadn't been forgotten. Cullen was on his best behaviour today. "We've had word that a blood mage attacked a young, pregnant woman not far from here. The woman is alive but barely. Five templar's were sent out to check the area. Still no word but that might mean they still haven't found anything." His voice was full of doubt. And I knew we didn't have much longer too prepare.

"How long?" I asked.

"Maybe a day or two but we have to start getting the people into safe areas. The Guard Captain had her guards directing the people into secure warehouses. Which will be protected by the guards." Cullen seemed to have temporally forgotten who I was, as he was whispering into my ear.

"Any idea on the numbers?"

He gave me a strange look and turned to Alistair as if I wasn't there. "Forty, give or take."

Alistair pulled at my arm as Cullen turned to give orders to his templars. We walked toward some steps just as a loud thunderclap sounded above us. Glancing up, grey clouds blanketed the sky. Rain started to fall, drops landed on my face. I looked back at Alistair, the drops of rain dripped into my eyes so I had to squint to see him clearly. It didn't occur to me that we were both getting very soaked, as it rained harder. But nothing could pry my eyes away from the intense look Alistair was giving me. "I've been meaning to ask you something." He stood awkwardly in front of me.

When he didn't say anything, I frowned.. "Is everything ok, Alistair?"

Alistair looked down at the floor. "Um, yes." His hair looked dark and soaked from this position. I reached out and ruffled it, which made him look up in surprise. I snatched my hand back awkwardly.

I noticed his body shaking, which had nothing to do with the cold rain. My patience was wearing out. "Alistair, come on. What were you going to ask me?"

He bit his lip. "Ok, so I'm going back to Ferelden after this is all done and I was wondering if you'd come back with me." I smiled then. a small smile. He didn't seem to notice it as he stared blankly at me.

I took a step closer, and threw my arms around his neck. "I thought you'd never ask." Before kissing him fully on the mouth. I could feel him smile beneath my lips, as his arms encircled my waist.


	11. Chapter 10 - to be rewritten

Chapter 11

At dusk a loud explosion startled me; I moved away from Alistair. I sniffed at the air, smoke filled my lungs, and a disgusting smell choked me. I nudged Alistair with my foot but he didn't stir. Kneeling in front of him, I took both of shoulders and shook him hard. He still didn't open his eyes. Panic filled me; I grabbed his wrist and checked for a pulse. A sigh of relief escaped my lips when I found his beating pulse. Was he knocked out from the smoke? Frantically, I stood up and looked for something to help me. A small puddle of water wasn't that far away. I ran over and scooped a tiny bit into my hands, I groaned as the water poured through my fingers. I wouldn't be able to hold enough to help him.

I stood up and took in my surroundings. We were outside the Chantry, since we agreed to patrol it for the night. We were alone, but I felt scared of the shadows like something would jump out at me if I went near. I noticed a small bucket on top of one of the crates that were lined against the wall beside the Chantry steps. Running over, I realised it was already half full with water from the rain. Lifting it from the crate, releaved that it was not heavy, I awkwardly carried it over to Alistair.. With one sweep I threw the water over the sleeping Alistair, he spluttered and his eyes narrowly opened. Throwing the bucket to the side, I quickly got to my knees beside him, cupped him under the armpit and pulled. "Come on." I groaned at his heavy weight. Something must have registered in him; he helped me support him by pushing himself up. He started to cough which soon turned into a coughing fit. "Hold on, let's go into the Chantry." I pulled his arm over my shoulder, hastily dragging him with me.

As we ascended the steps, women ran down them carrying jugs, looking scared but determined. They noticed Alistair and a few stopped to help us. He was torn from my arms and I had to watch in panic as they poured water down him and checked his senses. One woman tried to look me over but I shooed her away. The women who were tending to Alistair worked fast and gave him a few jugs of water. The women who I had shooed away, stood next to me. "He's a lucky man, the smoke was far into his lungs." She turned and raised her eyebrow at me. "You should really let us check you out."

She was really starting to irritate me. I spun around to look at her. "Do I look sick?" I interrupted before she could answer. "Do I look like I need you too check me out?" I was starting to make myself angry from sheer panic. I pointed at Alistair. "He's the one coughing his lungs up so why don't you tend to him instead of chatting with me." The women gapped at me, bewildered by my tone. I didn't regret it. After seeing Alistair unconscious I was still too panicky. She walked away from me without another word.

Once the women were done and Alistair looked considerably better, we didn't hesitate to see what was going on. As we ran, I couldn't keep from worrying about him. Finding him that way had scared the life out of me. I held his hand firmly in mine making it awkward to run but it gave me peace of mind. We were running behind the women from the chantry who said the explosion came from somewhere in Hightown.

We found the source of the explosion in the market area. The ground had collapsed forming a large hole, hooded figures stood on the opposite side of the opening. They were talking, quietly huddled together. I realised they hadn't noticed us yet, so I signalled for everyone to hide behind something. I waved my hand at the women to go back the way we come and find some help, I knew in our condition we couldn't take on all of them. I never mention that my throat felt like it was swollen and my head was pounding. It took all my strength and concentration just too stay hidden. Against the wall behind me, Alistair was taking breaths and keeping watch. Training my ears, I tried to listen in too the mage's conversation but they were too quite. "We have to do something." Alistair whispered into my ear, his voice clear in the quite darkness. Since the explosion had startled me the night had become very dark, the moon our only guiding light.

I shook my head. "It's too risky to do something on our own. Let's just wait for the others." I didn't actually know if anyone was coming; I was just hoping someone would come before the blood mages realised they weren't alone. Glancing around the wall we were hiding behind, I caught a glimpse of what was causing the smoke, I recoiled, and vomit came into my throat. Bodies of men and women were piled on top of each other; someone had set them on fire. So… that was what was making my stomach churn as I breathed. Alistair had looked when I did, I could hear him viscously vomiting behind me.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone coming towards us. Wiping the back of my hand over my mouth, I turned to see a distressed Cullen. He was covered in blood. I immediately knew something had gone drastically wrong. Behind him five templar's and two guardsmen were bouncing on there feet in fear. Cullen knelt down and gazed around me, I heard him choke but he didn't vomit. He rested his hand on my shoulder. "Are you two ok?"

Surprised by his question and physical touch, I looked at him like he had been hit over the head. "Eh…Yes?" I hadn't expected him to ask of me. From his sarcastic remarks over the past couple days I thought he'd have been more than happy to see me amongst the dead. Clearly, I was wrong.

"Good. Don't you go worrying about Bethany, she's safe." He surprised me again, and I was really considering calling for a healer. What was the sudden change of heart? He didn't seem to notice as he turned to look at Alistair.

"So, what's the plan?" Alistair asked in a serious tone.

Cullen didn't hesitate. "We attack before they leave this area."

"Is that it?"

"Got a better plan, your majesty?" Cullen wasn't sarcastic but genuinely curious.

Alistair shifted uncomfortably. "Sadly not."

Cullen ordered two templars to guard Alistair. I was pleased about this; at least I didn't have to worry so much about him. Cullen and the other three Templars got ready to run into the clearing. I hung back to check Alistair. He seemed impatient with me as I ordered him to drink from the jugs. "Alistair, please. You have to keep your strength up." I begged, thrusting a jug of water at him. He snatched it from me, poured half the jug over his head and drank the rest. He grimaced as he gave the jug back to me.

He reached out and cupped the back of my head. "Don't you go worrying about me, I got two strapping men protecting my ass." He winked.

Glaring at him, I tried to keep the smile off my face. "Just be careful." I reached around and grasped his hand from my head; bringing it around to my mouth, I kissed it gently. Before we could say anything else, Cullen and the templars rushed into the clearing, I heard the roar of the blood mages. Sparks of light signalled they were attacking.

Looking at Alistair, we nodded at the same time and rushed in after them. Two mages stood away from the fight blood dripping from their ribs. I charged towards them, the adrenaline helped me leap at them. Hitting the floor I crouched, letting my daggers fly out it slicing at the mages knees. They fell to the floor screaming in pain. I crouched over one mage, getting a good look before I ended its life. The mage was female, short black hair and golden eyes. She screamed at me, before I dragged the dagger across her throat. I turned back to the other mage who was grasping at his leg; the cut was deep. Standing up, I went and stepped over him. "Fuck you!" He spat. Anger surged through me; I brought my foot up and stamped on his nose. I heard the sickening crunch.

"Murderer!" I screamed. I drew the blade up above my head then slammed it down into the monster heart. The tears fell down my face, recalling Cassandra's final breaths. This was for her and everyone else.

Standing back up, I looked around the clearing. Everyone was trying their best to steer clear of the whole in the middle. A templar was tackling with a mage close to the hole, not winning. He was in clear need of help. I ran across the clearing straight up behind the mage. I drew back my arm to strike just as an electricity bolt hit my arm; I fell to the floor. My elbow hit first, a crunch sent shooting pains up my right arm. I ground my teeth to stop from screaming. Rolling backwards, I crouched behind a stone pillar. Holding my arm at an awkward angle, I peered around the wall. The templar was still struggling with the mage, oblivious that I tired to help. I reached at my side belt and brought a small bottle of a health potion to my lips, which Cullen had slipped into my hands when he joined us. The pain in my arm went slightly numb.

Springing out from my place behind the pillar, my eyes went wide as a fist was coming towards my face. I didn't have enough time to move before the fist connected with my nose. My nostrils filled up with a salty liquid. I didn't have time to wipe at my nose as the mage started to hit at me again. When his fist came down I lifted up my dagger defensively, facing the sharp blade toward the direction of the fist. I heard him scream in anguish as the blade sliced through his hand. Clutching my over dagger, I jabbed it into his stomach. He fell down dead.

Without bothering to check my clearly broken nose, I ran to the aid of the templar who was still struggling with the mage. I took a small blade out from my belt; pinching the end of the blade I threw it, hitting the mage in the neck. It dropped too the floor. The templar looked gratefully in my direction. I nodded in response. I had already killed four mages, from the looks of things ten more were still battling it out. I caught a glimpse of Alistair in a corner with only one templar guarding him. Figuring he'd be ok, I looked around for anyone who needed help. Stepping forward, I suddenly stopped in shock. A sharp pain jolted into the bone on my shoulder, inches above my heart. Falling to the floor, I put out my arms to stop me. Pain shot up through my right arm, making me cry out in agony. Flat on the floor, I expected more pain, yet none came. I heard clattering above me, rolling over I saw a big body leaning over me protectively. My immediate thought was Alistair but the voice that was shouted threats sounded different. When the man in front of me let his shoulders sag, he turned round and picked me up. Cullen's face filled my vision, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I reached out to touch the face as my eyes started to blur. Then darkness overshadowed everything.

X X X

I was standing in the middle of a large field. Flowers of all different colours tickled my feet. Looking down, I saw I was wearing a white dress, the bottom of which just brushed the top of my feet, tickling them.… The air was hot, but cool, with the wind blowing gently against my face. Trees circled the field showing me no hint of an exit. Stepping forward I was stopped by a gush of wind blowing leaves into my face. Shielding my face with my arms, I peeked out from under them and saw a manly figure standing far in front of me. Letting my arms fall back to my sides, I gazed at the man. He was broad and tall, a mop of red, brown hair on his head. He looked like Alistair but his stance told me he wasn't. Alistair always stood awkwardly as if he was always expecting bad news but this man stood confidently, his back straight. He suddenly raised his arm and pointed too me. "_You," _he said, but his lips didn't move. _Come to me_. I felt myself moving. I couldn't stop myself, something in me wanted to obey.

As I got closer, I realised he looked nothing like Alistair. His face was more child-like; no stubble shadowed his jaw line. His irises were pure white, only the outline of the iris and the pupil were black. My head screamed danger but I felt no fear as he reached up and touched my face.

A tingly feeling made me tremble. I felt extremely happy as he touched me and I couldn't explain why. _Beautiful,_ he cooed. I closed my eyes letting the tingly happiness overwhelm me. I didn't see darkness; lights danced in front of me like stars.

"What's happening?" I breathed softly. My lips felt numb.

"Cameron!" I opened my eyes at the scream. The man was still in front of me looking intently at me with his witch-like eyes. _Close your eyes…I obeyed. _

"Cameron! Open your eyes!" I obeyed, this time my visions were blurred. A silhouette was leaning over me moving frantically. I blinked wildly, trying to make the blur go away. A warm feeling covered the whole of my body. As the night sky came into sight, I remembered a battle. Sitting up quickly, my head hit something. Grasping my head, I looked around to see Cullen grasping at his nose.

Realising I had head butted his nose. Quietly, I said, "Sorry.".

He waved away my apology. "No need."

Looking around, I noticed the battle was over. Bodies were all over the place covered in blood. "Where is Alistair?" I asked, realising he wasn't there. Looking back at Cullen, I saw him wince at what I said. I started to panic but my voice came out angry. "Where is he?" I asked sharply.

Cullen looked at me sadly. "I don't know. He isn't in the clearing. People are looking for him, don't worry."

Don't worry? What was with him not wanting me to worry? Anger surged through my veins. How could I not worry? When he was clearly worrying. I jumped to my feet with many objections from the people around me. I frantically ran around, checking all of the bodies. Cullen was behind me asking me to sit down and think positively. But how could I? Alistair was missing. I didn't know if he was ok. He might be seriously hurt and I couldn't know. Not if I sat around thinking positive thoughts. _Idiots,_ I cursed silently.

I ran to the corner where I had seen Alistair during the fight. A sob broke my lips as I noticed the templar, who had been protecting him, lying dead. A shield lay next to the body, my heart dropped as I recognised Duncan's crest. I fell to my knees. Alistair had told me that Riona had found the shield for him in a vault back in Denerim, ever since she gave it too him he was firmly attached to it. Here was the shield, but where was he? Tears stung my cheeks.

"Cameron." Cullen warned behind me, I felt his hand rest on my shoulder. "Everyone is looking for him." He tried to pull me up but I shoved him away. I leaned down and picked the shield up from the floor. "Cam." He warned again.

"Shut up!" I screamed. I closed my eyes trying to calm myself down. I was too sick with worry to have someone nagging in my ear. "Just shut up, please." I said softly.

Cullen stood up and walked away from me. I jumped up and ran after him, afraid of being left alone. "I'm sorry, Cullen." I said, embracing the shield in my arm. A tugging pain kept my voice firm.

He suddenly stopped. "I know you are." Then he walked off, leaving me staring after him. The way he said that made me think that little exchange was more to do with six years ago than six seconds ago. Was he finally forgiving me?

X X X

I couldn't sleep. The bed beside me was empty, so how could I? I glared up at the ceiling. I should be out there looking. But Cullen had guards outside my room. I wasn't allowed to leave in case I did something stupid, like jump down one of those holes.

Pushing myself up from the bed, I felt the tug of the cut on my shoulder. From what Cullen said, a mage had thrown a blade into my shoulder., an inch lower and I'd be dead. My elbow was swollen to twice its size and I couldn't smell properly from my nose. It was sort of ironic that I felt guilty for letting mages die, yet now I wanted nothing more than to see a blood mage dead. Of course, I also wanted to know if Alistair was alive and healthy.

How could I find him if no one else believed him to be alive? Cullen doubted him to be still alive because I overheard him say so.

"There is no way blood mages would keep him alive. That's if they even have him." He said, quietly to the second in command templar. I felt their eyes burning into my back.

"_Should we tell her that?" _

"_And have her bite our heads off? I think not." _

The cowards. They didn't have the balls to tell me their fears. But I could hear the doubt even if they couldn't. Why would they take him? Why not just kill him out right if that is what they planned to do? But I needed more proof than what I had to know he was alive.

And I knew where to go.

It didn't take long to figure out a plan to get out of here. I knocked lightly on the door a few times and they opened it slightly. "Yes, my lady?" The short Templar asked.

"I need a drink and I've run out of water." I said.

"Ok, my lady." The short templar stalked off down the corridor. The other templar tried shutting the door, but I stuck my foot out to stop it from closing.

"My lady, your foot is in the way." As if I didn't already know.

I reached out and grasped his wrist firmly. He didn't have time to react before I pulled him into the room. He was shocked as I pushed him against the wall. Seductively, I traced his jaw with my finger. Biting my lip in a hopefully sexy way. "My lady." He warned, uncomfortably.

"I've been wanting you." I whispered in a sultry voice. The man trembled as I leaned in closer. "I know about you and the king, so this wont work." He pointed out, but I knew he was doubtful.

"Oh him? What's a king worth to me when I could have a man who is as handsome as you?" I was inches from his lips. I stared into his closed eyes, I readied the knock out gas that I held in my free hand.

He didn't seem to be able to take anymore; his arms were instantly around my waist. As he did I brought the gas bottle down on his head, knocking him instantly out, but letting the gas leak out. Covering my nose and mouth with a cloth, I picked up my bag and Duncan's shield. I knew my plan was a little excessive, but that was all I had to go on. I couldn't stay in that room any longer.

Running from the room, I headed down the same direction as the shorter guard. Careful, not to get caught, I was light on my feet. No one walked by me, thankfully. Outside, I ran towards the Gallows docks. I jumped in a rowing boat, setting the shield and my bag in front of me. I took hold of the ore's and started to row with all my strength. Within half-hour I was across to the other side of the docks. It was obvious they had found the unconscious templar by now and knew I was gone, so I had to hurry. Running as fast as I could, with a heavy shield weighing down my healthy arm, I made it too the front gates of Kirkwall within an hour. I didn't have any armour so I didn't get weighed down. All I had was my one dagger, a shield and a bag full of small supplies. I wouldn't last long in a fight.

I found a white stallion hitched to a fence just outside the gates. I saddled the shield firmly on the back, then unhitched it from the fence. The horse didn't stir as I jumped on its back. Taking hold of the reins I steered the horse onto the road. After a few jolts the horse started the run. I remembered the way clearly as if I had a map in front of me.

X X X

Sundermount. The Dalish Mountain's where I had first met Merrill. There had been a story behind these mountains and Merrill had tried to tell me it but in the end I thought she was crazy. I couldn't support her because I was afraid of what would happen if I did. The camp was now empty, no traces of the Dalish was here. It was as if they hadn't even been here. Nothing was here, no sign of life. And that suited me perfectly, no need for distractions.

I journeyed far up into the mountains, entering familiar passageways that held nothing of value to me. I couldn't keep my mind off Alistair. Was he alive? Would I ever see him again? I wish I could know. What had stuck in the back of my mind was the curiosity of why they would take him. What would they gain apart from a throne? Then I struck me. Of course… they desired freedom. A king could help give them that. I ran the rest of the way to the top.

I was out of breath by the time I reached the graveyard, I had left the horse back down were the camp once was. I felt as if the stones were talking to me as I passed. I kept my eyes firmly on the altar on the cliff edge. The whispers crawled into my brain and picked out every doubt, but I kept going and held back the tears. Ghosts rose to frighten me off, but they faded away as my mind screamed at them to go away..

The altar was full of cobwebs. Thankfully, only small spiders crawled around it. I placed Duncan's shield on top and prayed.

Nothing happened.

I prayed harder, but still nothing happened. Frustrated, I slammed my hands down on the altar either side of the shield. "Flemeth!" I screamed.

Nothing happened.

"Flemeth, you sorry excuse of a witch, get your fucking dragon wings down here." I added with a shriek. "Now!"

Wind blew at me, and I had to shield my eyes. Peeking under my arms, I saw the delicate shape of an old woman. And she was clearly angry with me. "Well, well what vermin do we have here?" She spat. I definitely got her at a bad time. I let my arms drop to my side.

"Oh, you remember me. I'm Hawke, remember?" My tone was a little sarcastic but Flemeth threw her head back and laughed.

"Of course, I do remember you. It's been a very long time." She smiled warmly. "But why are you screaming for me now?" She was instantly curious.

"I'm here for your help." I said, I pointed at the shield. "Can you please tell me where the man who last held this is?" I asked, even now it seemed stupid. But it was worth trying.

Flemeth laughed again. "What makes you think I can do that, girl?" She was definitely intimidating and I wasn't the same girl as I was last time we were here.

"Well, can you?" I asked, impatiently.

"No." She said, bluntly.

All hope vanished, and I realised I'd made a huge mistake by coming here. Flemeth eyed me curiously. "Who may I ask are you searching for?" Like she was totally oblivious.

"Alistair." I said. "He's my… King." I bit my lip. I really wish I knew what we really were. If were anything anymore.

"It seems to me like he's more than just your king." She tapped her lips, contemplating. "I may not be able to help you, but I know who can."

I snapped my head up to look at her. "Really, who?" I asked.

"She's not far from here. In fact I think you will find her if you head back down to your horse." She smiled then vanished.


	12. Chapter 11 - to be rewritten

A/N: I've based this chapter on one of my favourite songs which I recommend listening to before or after reading this to get a feel of the emotion Cameron is going through. I admit some of the lyrics aren't relevant to dragon age but the ones that are really count. Now there is a number of ways that I listen to this song and read the story behind the lyrics. But I think it's truly beautiful. (P.S. I listened to this song all the way through doing this.) Some of the lyrics below. The song is My Hands by Leona Lewis. Just as I reminder Dragon age isn't mine, and I've changed a few things to fit into my own writing.

**Chapter 12 **

My hands, don't want to start again,

My hands, no they don't want to understand,

They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find,

My hands, they only agree to hold,

Your hands, and they don't want to be without,

And they will not let me go. No they will not let me go.

Leona Lewis-My Hands.

A purple darkness cascaded over the mountain creating a mild fog and chilly breeze. Small spots rose on my arms as I rubbed furiously to warm them. It was quiet, too quiet. I could only hear the passing of the breeze against my ear. I had forgotten everything, in my haste to find Flemeth; I would be a dead woman if anything decided to attack me now. Anger and disappointment had seared through me when I learnt this trek had been a waste of time. Curiosity was now pushing me to walk back down the mountain. Who was this person who could help me?

Sighing loudly, I picked up my pace. It's been six hours now since Alistair has been missing, if I was going to find him I had to work harder than this. A shrill hooting made me jump out of my skin. Frantically looking around my eyes caught a beautiful white owl atop a dead tree, watching me as if it was curious Sighing in relief I continued walking. With the seconds ticking by I could only feel more irritated with myself. Irritated for losing Alistair. Irritated for falsely thinking a witch could help me. And irritated for carrying such a heavy shield, I didn't know how _he_ could carry this all the time.

I had never felt more alone than I did on top of that mountain. I had no one. The only person who even thought me worthy was trapped somewhere, probably fearing for his life. I could feel myself crumbling, grasping on with my fingernails to what felt like false hope. I wasn't the smart, strong, arrogant woman I used to be. The old me would be running after those mages, blinded by anger, I would have chased them down till I was crawling on my knees. I would be _dead_.

As I got to a fork in the path, a large stone arch rose up from the center, I ambled towards it and leaned against the cold surface. I gazed up into the stars and made a silent wish. I pressed the tips of my fingers together and prayed my wish would turn into a miracle. I didn't pray to the Maker, I believed he turned his gaze from me a long time ago. _No_, I prayed to my father. When he was alive he gave us all hope and he delivered that hope with a smile. I tried to smile as I gazed up at the stars. But it didn't come.

Carrying on down the mountain, the night somehow grew darker as I came into the clearing where the Dalish had once been, the long blades of grass tickled against the exposed skin above my boots. Only with the light from the moon did I notice the silhouette up against the body of the horse. As I got closer, I saw that it was a female. I raised my eyebrows at her choice of clothing. She wore a ragged, thin cloth over a pair of tight trousers. Her top was equally tight showing off her delicate curves, it was a dirty, light red colour with long sleeves and a hood. From the back, I could see her long black hair was tied up. She turned, slowly and dramatically. As her face came into view, I studied her. She looked exotically svelte with her hair falling over her shoulders framing her delicate face. Her eyes were large and wild; I couldn't see the exact colour in the darkness. "Who do we have here?" Her sultry voice made my knees quiver. I couldn't explain the intimidation I had felt in her presence.

I found it hard to answer her as her eyes glared down on me. "Um…" I held out my hand. She looked repulsed by the friendly guesture. Clenching my fist, I let it fall back to my side. Instantly straightening up, I tried my best to look confident, however I must have seemed like an idiot because I looked a mess; my eyes were red and sore from crying. "My name is Cameron Hawke. But you can call me Hawke."

She didn't respond and didn't seem to care what my name was. I was instantly aware that she had the same aura about her as Flemeth. What did that mean? "And you may call me Morrigan." She said, after a while. Where had I heard that name before? Before I could say anything she ambled towards me. "Why are you out here?" She sounded inquisitive Which scared me.

"I'm looking for someone." I tried to stay subtle before I gave too much away. If this Morrigan was the person Flemeth talked about I had to make sure I didn't scare her away.

"And who is this someone?" She said peevishly.

I narrowed my eyes on her. "What's it matter?"

"You're right. It doesn't." She turned to leave, clearly bored of me.

Biting my lip, I felt myself start to shake. "No! Wait." I called after her; I didn't know what came over me. I had felt like all the hope in the world had turned away. . Morrigan paused for a second then turned half way towards me. "It's Alistair. He's the _someone_ I'm looking for. He's been taken from me." I held my arms out in front of me showing my honesty. At his name she had raised her eyebrows incredulously.

"That wouldn't be Alistair Theirin would it?" She asked, the terrifying curiosity back in her voice. But I realised I had her full concentration, with her eyes piercing into mine.

"Yes, you know him?" I asked, crossing my arms. He had never mentioned any Morrigan.

Morrigan turned fully to face me, crossing her hands and leaning onto her hip, a hint of a smile on her face. "Oh, I know him."

I couldn't help but feel envious that this beauty had been in the same proximity as Alistair. _And _he hadn't even mentioned her. Did something happen between them? It was clear that this woman was enjoying my little panic attack as she started to laugh. "Ha! Yes, I know that toadstool. Unfortunately."

She was playing games with me. I glared at her. "He isn't a toadstool." I said defensively.

She waved me off as if my opinion didn't matter. "You're saying he's been taken. How does that entail me?"

"If you're the person she was talking about then you have to help me."

Morrigan raised her eyebrows higher. "Who is she?" She said slowly, making each word ring out.

"My friend once called her _The Witch of the Wilds_." I hadn't believed in the stories, I had just believed she was some old witch who liked the attention. Yet the look on Morrigan's face made me realise I _was_ wrong.

She bowed her head in disbelief. "You met her?"

"Yes."

"And she said to look for me?"

"Not in name. But she said I'd find the help I needed at the bottom of this mountain." Who was Morrigan? Flemeth certainly knew her and so did Alistair. What was this? Morrigan suddenly looked enraged.

"Who does she think she is? First she sends me off with two infuriating Grey Wardens. Then I find out she wants to suck the life out of me. Now she's sending people to seek me out? I thought she had finally given up." She didn't seem to be talking to me anymore; in fact she wasn't even looking at me.

"Who are you?" I asked.

She looked at me in outrage. "'I'm Flemeth's apparent offspring." Of course, she had mentioned Morrigan back when we had the dealings with that amulet. That didn't explain how Morrigan knew Alistair, unless he was one of those two wardens she had mentioned. I looked at me and sighed. "I knew Alistair from the blight. Riona _was_ my friend."

My jaw dropped. I couldn't believe Riona would befriend this woman. Clearly, I didn't know anything these days. Mainly, where Alistair was. Which reminded me why I was here. "I don't care. Are you going to help me find Alistair or not?"

Morrigan eyed me for a second and cursed under her breath. "What makes you think I'm going to help you?" Morrigan looked thoughtful for a moment, so I kept my mouth shut.. The moon's light shimmered across her face; I could see that her eyes were golden. "The ring." She said at length.

"What ring?" I asked bemused.

She closed her eyes ignoring me. Her forehead wrinkled in concentration. I decided to fix myself whilst she did what she had to do. Laying Duncan's shield, Alistair had always said it was Duncan's _not_ his, on the ground. I sat crossed legged beside it and fished in my small bag for a small flask of water. I gulped it down greedily not remembering the last time that I had drunk anything. Water spilled out down my cheeks, dripping under my clothes. I waited patiently as she concentrated on the unknown. She had mentioned a ring, if she meant Alistair's silver ring then she might be telling the truth…Right?

"Damn it!" Morrigan hissed making me jump. She brushed a loose strand of hair from her face as she sat down on the ground. "I can't reach him, he's being guarded by blood magic. _I _can't break past that." She sounded disappointed, yet she didn't look worried.

"What is this ring anyway?" I asked, placing my bag on my lap. Reaching in I took out a piece of bread, placing it in my mouth, I let it savour on my tongue.

Morrigan titled back her head. "I gave it too Riona, initially. It was practical, I tainted it with magic, it was so I could find her if I needed her. But then she gave it to Alistair, I couldn't believe it." She sneered, I could hear the hurt in her voice; I felt pity for her.

"So how are we going to find him now if the blood mages are thwarting your spells?" It hadn't bothered me that Morrigan was a mage. She didn't say it outright, but she didn't have too, the staff tied to the holster on her back was obvious enough. I couldn't deny she was frightening but I didn't believe she was a blood mage. She looked too proud to become such a monster.

Her eyes lingered in the air between us seeing things that I couldn't. "I might not be able to get around their spells but I know who can." Instantly, she stood up and walked over to a large bag that I hadn't noticed. It looked heavy being carried by such delicate arms. But she didn't waver. Morrigan placed the bag down carefully in front of herself as she rejoined me on the ground. Opening the bag, she clutched the rear of the bag as she pulled out a large black book that was encrusted with a golden border. "This is my Grimoire, originally my mother's." She informed me, sensing my curiosity.

"How's it going to help us? Are you going to cast a spell?" I was intrigued. My bottom was floating off the ground. I was eager to look through the pages, but something told me that she didn't want me too close.

"No. A summoning." She said, not looking at me. Her eyes danced over the pages searching what could help us.

"A summoning?"

Morrigan sighed in frustration, turning on me with an icy glare. "You're trying my patience. Please, be quiet."

Pinching my index finger and my thumb together I flicked them across my lips. She sighed again but went back to her book. Evidently, I wasn't making this easy for her so I sat there quietly eating bread. Reaching in the small bag I took out a thin, woollen cardigan that fit.. Mother had knitted it for me when back we lived in Lothering. These days it was one of the few things I had to my name.. Slipping the cool fabric over my bare arms, I regretted leaving without all my things. I had settled for my leather armour that consisted of a sleeveless top and thick skirt. "I've got it." I looked up to see Morrigan, muttering quietly to herself. I stood up and walked over to her, a chill went up my spine as I sat beside her. Morrigan flinched but didn't say anything.

The book was encrypted with weird symbols. Looking closely I saw small speckles of ink that told me someone had wrote all of this. Morrigan ran her finger over a star shaped symbol and whispered something in a language I didn't recognise. Nothing happened. Beside me Morrigan closed the book with an unreadable expression. "Did it work?" I asked her. I wasn't really sure what it was.

"Yes." She said bluntly. Clearly, I wasn't getting anything valuable from her.

"What do we do now?" I asked.

"We wait." She said lifelessly. I suddenly felt uncontrollably angry. Pushing myself to my feet I circled around in front of her.

"You're not really helping me here." I hissed, clenching my fists.

Morrigan gave me a bored look. "Go away then." She didn't seem to care what I did as long as I didn't bother her. I was outraged.

"What?" I breathed, incredulously.

"If you can't do as I say, go away. I didn't ask for this."

I felt like screaming. "Oh, so I asked for a bunch of blood mages to kidnap him did I?"

"How am I supposed to know?" She looked at me like I was crazy, but her tone of voice didn't change.

"No, I didn't. Do you have any idea what it is like to feel helpless?" I said. I had been in a small room, waiting for news. When I should have been out there looking for him with the others, but because of my injuries I had to stay in _our_ room.

Morrigan stood up with raised eyebrows. "You need to get over it. Your man is gone and you are not going to get him back by trying to insult me." She was right but the fury didn't lessen. I felt something wet on my cheek, bring my hand up to wipe it away I realised it was a tear. Morrigan noticed this too and rolled her eyes. Had she never cared for anyone?

I didn't know how long I cried silently to myself, wishing I could turn back the clock and save Alistair. I played and replayed a few scenes in my head where I had performed unrealistic heroics; wishing each of them was true. In truth, I was going mad. I didn't want to speak to Morrigan, so I didn't speak at all. If Alistair were here, he would have done his best to make me smile. He wouldn't have been satisfied till I was clutching my stomach with tears of laughter spilling out of my eyes. I sighed, wiping away a stray tear from my cheek. A strange, loud sound made me jump to my feet. My dagger already in hand, Morrigan was standing off to the side staring into thin air. I walked over too her, each step was quiet. I half-expected her to realise I was there but when I got closer she jumped. Her shocked expression made me giggle. She shot me a serious look and I covered it up by pretending to cough. "Is something coming?" I asked, just as a green light illuminated the air a few yards in front of us. Mist fell like a waterfall from the centre of the light. My heart raced as I gazed in wonder upon a young girl dressed head to toe in a white satin creating a veil over her raven black hair. A golden belt wrapped around her waist making the satin skirt flow over her legs. She held twin blades that executed a sense of reinforcement and great power. My attention quickly drew to her piercing eyes; they were pure white with no pigmentation to the iris, however a thick black outline encircled the pupil.

… … …

_Wait, had I seen those eyes before? _

I tried to speak but no words escaped my frozen lips. I glanced sideways at Morrigan who was smiling brilliantly at the wonder in front of us. I looked back and again was intrigued by those familiar eyes. She didn't look at me as she floated towards Morrigan graciously. Morrigan strolled towards her and as they met Morrigan embraced the girl in her arms. The girl rested her head on Morrigan's shoulder, as her eyes closed they released me from the trance. "Excuse me, what is going on here?" I asked, raising my voice. They both turned. Morrigan glared at me, cursing me for intruding. The girl smiled shyly, raising her hand in greeting. They stood side by side; I couldn't help but compare them to yin and yang. Morrigan looked weak but deadly and the girl looked strong yet innocent.

The girl stepped closer towards me but she stopped abruptly, as if she wasn't sure if she should come too close. "Hello." Her voice was tender which surprised me, I had expected her to sing out each word like she was some angel fallen down from the Maker's side.

I didn't want to insult her, so I forced myself to speak. "Uh…Hello." I ran my fingers through my hair as my voice trembled with nervousness. She smiled baring pearly white teeth, her lips pulled back over the top of her teeth but the plumpness of her lips was still there. Small dimples appeared on her ghostly white cheeks making her face look more human.

She walked closer until she was only a couple feet in front of me. "I'm Letecia." She said, holding out her hand. I gazed down at her hand, completely frozen again. She kept her hand out as I stared at it, she wore a silver ring just like Alistair's. Snapping my eyes back up to meet her extraordinary pair. I reached out, taking her hand firmly in mine. I gasped as electricity burst from her hand into mine, images rushed through my head and I couldn't make sense of them. A field of flowers. A white dress. Then a burst of white light. The images repeatedly passed through my mind faster and faster 'till I felt the urge to be sick. I felt her let go of my hand, which brought the urge on faster. Staring at her wide-eyed I covered my mouth as the sickness came up. She saw my desperation by jumping back a few places. I clutched my stomach begging the vomit to stay down. Unfortunately, it didn't. Much to Letecia and Morrigan's disgust I was sick.

Before I could apologise, I was beat to it. "That doesn't usually happen." Behind Letecia, Morrigan was still staring at me in disgust but she also looked amazed.

Letecia nodded. "You've already seen that vision, haven't you?" She asked me, crossing her arms. I frowned at the floor. Have I? If I did I couldn't remember. Letecia sighed. "This is bad."

"It's her own fault." Morrigan said annoyed.

"How could she have known?" Letecia replied softly. How could they speak about me as if I wasn't there? And what where they talking about?

"Are you going to tell me exactly who you are first? It's a bit hard to trust someone who I've just met." That last part was a lie, especially in Letecia's case. It felt very easy to trust her. However it was very hard to explain why.

Her eyes snapped open. "Oh right. Yes, I'm not used to meeting people often. I'm pretty secluded." She sighed as she realised she was rambling. Smiling weakly, she looked back at Morrigan who was watching us both intently. They exchanged glances, Letecia turned back to me, smiling still. "I'm Morrigan's daughter. I'm fifteen years of age but I'm far beyond my years. I'm not entirely human though." She paused, looking uncomfortable. Morrigan stepped towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder. She nodded at something and carried on. "Morrigan never kept anything from me, so when she told me that I possessed the soul of an old god named Dumat, I thought it a… lie." Letecia looked saddened by this, I instantly knew she was telling the truth.

"That explains a lot." I knew a lot about the old gods from Riona and Alistair they hadn't hesitated when I asked. "By telling me this are you expecting me too trust you?" I said, more curious about her intentions than anything else.

Letecia shook her head. "No one can be trusted…They will always want the secrets you possess." I didn't know how to take this information but it was something I would hold onto. "Which comes to why I'm here…someone must have done something to you for you to be seeing such visions. I don't know who and I doubt we'll ever find out unless they tell you themselves. I know this because you can only ever see the vision once. If you try to see it again well…"She motioned to the pool of sick a few feet behind me. I shuddered at the thought.

_So that was were I saw her eyes before? _

"They gave me the vision. Which brought me too you…could that be a bad thing?" I asked. She may be my only hope to get Alistair back. So I couldn't see how that could be bad.

Morrigan laughed. "Depends on who gave it too you. Perhaps 'tis not be a bad thing for you…yet you haven't the slightest idea on how many disgusting vermin would love to crush the bones of my dear Letecia." She stroked Letecia's hair gently…protectively.

"Why would they do that?" I definitely found it hard to believe that someone would want to hurt her.

"I possess the soul of an old god." Letecia said as if it was obvious.

Morrigan coughed loudly. "Daughter…I called upon you for another purpose." She had been starting to look impatient. Letecia turned her gaze fully on Morrigan.

"Oh?" Letecia was clearly shocked. But I was glad. My heart was aching even harder than it was when I first entered the clearing. Morrigan looked at me pointedly. Signalling me to explain. Almost instantly Letecia turned to look back at me.

"Yes. I came here to these mountains in search of help. My…friend was taken by blood mages and I fear for his life. I know hundreds of people must be looking for him. But from what I've learned about blood mages they don't make anything easy. So can you help?" I asked feeling more than nervous. Letecia frowned as she contemplated over this. I stood idly as she and Morrigan had a silent conversation. Morrigan carefully kept her eyes away from mine as I tried to read her expression.

After long last Letecia grimaced. "If he has been taken by blood mages we must act quickly…For they are no better than the demons."

"What must we do?" I asked.

As she looked at me, I gazed into her inhuman eyes and was shocked to see a hint of gold. From afar I would have sworn they had no colour at all. "They must be dealt with like the demons." In that moment she scared me.

X X X

It was nearly dawn by the time we set up the candles in a circle around Letecia. They hadn't told me what she was going to do. And I didn't want to know as she sat crossed legged chanting in a language I never even heard of. Morrigan lit the candles as I watched from a grass bank. While I sat there I knew that what ever they did for me, that I had to repay them. But I couldn't think about that. I could feel my hands shaking trying to break this new hope that they were giving me. I sat them under my bottom till they become numb. No matter how much I tried to keep my mind on the positive side, images haunted me of Alistair being tortured. Alistair was a strong man who has been through a lot, but even he couldn't withstand endless torture. And no doubt they were torturing him, or they have already killed him. But I didn't dwell on that.

I noticed Morrigan walking over to me. She frightened me more than anything. As she sat beside me I stiffened. "Is she doing okay?" I asked, trying to break my tension. It didn't work.

Morrigan didn't answer. She just stared ahead like I hadn't said anything. Keeping silent, I turned slightly away from her. "Letecia likes you." She said at length. I thought she sounded displeased.

"She's a nice girl." I said, nodding.

"She really wants to help you." She turned her unreadable eyes on me.

"I'm grateful." I nodded again.

Morrigan stayed silent for a moment. Thinking. "Alistair is not worth her exposure." She hissed, suddenly angry.

I snapped my eyes towards her. "He's a decent man." I growled back.

"He's an idiot." She snapped, glaring at me.

"Well you're a heartless bitch, you know that." I shouted, jumping up. "You may think the world revolves around you Morrigan but it doesn't. Alistair is a caring man and a great king, he's worth everything." I couldn't believe how insensitive she was.

Morrigan barked a laugh. "Oh. So you do not care that my daughter is in danger with every second she is here?" She smiled innocently. "And you say I'm the heartless one?" She threw her head back laughing.

"You brought her here not me."

"'Tis not I who asked her too stay?"

I glared at her in fury. "You are impossible." I stalked away from her.

I didn't speak to anyone till the sun was full in the sky, which was when Letecia finally opened her eyes. She walked over happily as I sat polishing Duncan's shield with my sleeve. Small specks of dust had settled in Alistair's absence. I abruptly stood up as I saw her approach. She was grinning widely and bouncing on her heels. "I've found him."

A/N: I hope this was enjoyable. This chapter took awhile because of technical difficulties. I'm not entirely sure if Morrigan has a daughter, because I didn't play 'Witch Hunt'. But even if she didn't I thought giving her a daughter might show the Motherly side of her better.

**Thank you for everyone who has added this story to there alerts and anyone who has reviewed. Please review and give me your comments. Criticism is needed but I don't like people being harsh. (There is a difference.) **


	13. Chapter 12 - to be rewritten

A/N: This chapter might be a little to disturbing for some readers so if you don't like death…Don't read.Chapter 13

"Oh Maker." I whispered as we walked the steps into the Gallows' courtyard. The reality for these people had turned into chaos. One side of the courtyard stood a group of terrified mages protectively standing over their young. On the other side the Templar's taunted the mages with wild threats and accusations. In the middle of them all was Knight-Commander Cullen trying as desperately as he could to calm everyone. Beside him was First Enchanter Randall looking sceptically from one side to the other.

Morrigan grunted behind me. I walked forward, realising they weren't following me I grimaced. _Clearly I was on my own for this. _As I approached, Cullen ran towards me, relief flooded his face. _Seriously what was up with him? _"I'm so glad you came back. Maybe they will finally understand." He looked at the mages who weren't looking in our direction.

"What's happened?" I'd only been gone for nearly five hours. Which meant Alistair had been gone nearly eleven hours now, but my feelings had changed completely. Letecia was in a psychic link with him ever since she found out where he was. She had informed me that they hadn't harmed him severely. According to her, Alistair was too valuable to their freedom; killing him would only bring more chaos. I couldn't help but scoff at her when she said that.

Cullen sighed. "I must admit that it wasn't the mages who started this. One of the Templar recruits accused some mages of helping out the blood mages." He looked at the floor ashamed. "I know they didn't."

"So why aren't you stopping this? You're the Knight-Commander… What do you expect me to do? I didn't come back here to sort out you're problems. Do you even remember Alistair? You know, the King of Ferelden." I kept my voice calm. I didn't have time to be arguing. Cullen ran his hands through his hair.

"Alistair would be dead by now, Cameron." It was then that I realised he had no idea what I've been up to or that the soul of Dumat was now in his courtyard. However, I also realised I couldn't tell him. If these people knew what she really was then she would be in more danger than she was now. It's strange how the unknown can make everyone go crazy.

I wiped at my eyes. "Maybe… Or you just give up too easily." Raising my eyebrow I looked at the two rival groups. I had an idea that should have occurred to me days ago. Without saying anything, I walked towards the group of mages. Bethany was speaking intently to them. When she noticed me, her eyes lit up, she quickly started running towards me, throwing her arms around my neck. As she pulled away I took in her appearance. Faint lines were forming around her eyes. The circles were under them made her look drained and stressed. Her clothes were ripped, showing skin that I wasn't sure was appropriate in this setting. "Bethany if you could leave would you?" I asked, pulling her away from the other mages.

Her eyebrows creased. She pushed at the bracelets on her wrists, looking nervous. "I couldn't even if I wanted too. I can't leave these mages in this mess, and I'm not allowed to leave." I could tell by her tone that she had caught on to my idea. Crossing her arms over her chest, she narrowed her eyes on me and leaned forward. "What's going on?"

I looked back at Cullen who was watching us suspiciously. Looking back at Bethany I smiled weakly. "Come with me?" I asked. Her eyes widened, she quickly glanced behind me at Cullen. "He won't be a problem." I was confident that I could convince him. And I could thank Morrigan for that. On our way back here, after I told her about my sister and Cullen, She started to show me how I could manipulate people. On our way here she had me pretend to be a man whilst she said things that confused my mind and then she had me try and do it. I failed miserably the first few times but after much practice I had irritated the bones out of her. I knew exactly what I was going to say and do because I had rehearsed it a million times in my head.

She eyed me for a second, looking doubtful. "How are you so certain?"

With a smug smile, I winked at her. "Don't doubt your big sister."

"This will be fun," giving me a crooked grin. She walked towards me, twisting me around to face Cullen, and gave me an encouraging push, then we stalked towards Cullen who gave us a look of unease.

"You ladies look…" He raised his eyebrow anxiously. "You're up too something."

"Are we?" I looked at Bethany who shrugged. "No. We just wanted to sort everything out so we can be on our way." I kept my eyes on his not breaking the contact. This I had learned from Morrigan. She said never to break eye contact, and, in any situation, never touch the person...

Cullen was on high alert and expectedly he picked up on it straight away. "We?" Constantly looking between us searching for a sign or something.

"Yes. Didn't I mention that?" I pursed my lips, placing my finger on the corner. _Innocence is the key_.

"No you did not." He didn't look at all relaxed. Which was good, I didn't need him to be thinking clearly, either.

"Oh I thought I did, never mind… So yes, we'll get all this sorted and then we'll be on our way." I reached my hand out towards him, smiling. Cullen frowned at my hand but suddenly he took it. I caught myself feeling shocked. I had at least expected him to banter with me first._ Something was definitely going on with him lately. _

X X X

Dealing with the mages and Templars was easier than I thought. It didn't take me long to convince them that they could sort their problems out verbally instead of physically. Bethany had also been a great help because the mages looked up to her. It also didn't take long to get all of Alistair's things and mine from our room. We took them to my old estate; the Viscount was more than happy to allow me to reclaim it since nobody has lived there since. However I couldn't bear to go in there, Bethany and Morrigan took them in. I stood awkwardly outside with Letecia, trying not to meet gazes of anyone I used to know. I had sensed someone watching me; I didn't have to look all the way up. Aveline's daughter had been curiously watching me, when I waved she just turned and walked away. Just like before. Now I was standing outside the Hanging Man with Letecia, waiting for Morrigan and Bethany. They didn't go in for a drink though. When I asked Morrigan, if she was, she had looked at me as if I was crazy.

Letecia had Alistair's cloak over her shoulders with the hood over her face. I didn't blame her for being scared. Lowtown wasn't a place for young girl's, especially young girls who possess the soul of an old god. I knew that she could look after herself if she really had to, as an Arcane Warrior she had magic and twin blades to protect her. "How long are they going to be?" She whispered, as I paced passed her. I paused to look at the closed door, willing them to open it. They had been in there nearly an hour I had no idea what they were up to.

"I don't know, I'd go in but I'm not leaving you out here by yourself." Unfortunately the barman recognised her age from under the hood and kicked her out. No manipulation from Morrigan convinced him, Morrigan looked furious at the time.

"I'll be fine for like two minutes. I'll scream if anyone approaches me." She was nearly on her knees begging just as Bethany walked out of the tavern, smiling smugly. Letecia was instantly quiet; she was weary around Bethany, however I felt too nervous to ask her why.

"Oh good, what have you been doing?" I asked annoyed, having Bethany back was as if she never left. We'd been bickering within the hour; she thought I was stupid for not wanting to go into my old estate. I couldn't help but argue that I could only remember the bad memories from there, which shut her up.

"Recruiting." She leaned into me. "That Morrigan is scary." She whispered thinking Letecia couldn't hear her. But I knew she could. Bethany realised it too and looked guilty towards her.

"Recruiting who?" I inquired, suddenly I felt really suspicious of the way my sister couldn't quite meet my eyes. When she didn't answer my heart started thumping violently in my chest. A lump formed in my throat as I went over the possibilities and all of them came down to the same person. "Fenris?" I breathed. I snapped my head up to look at Bethany begging her with my eyes to tell me I was wrong. She nodded still not looking at me.

"Who's Fenris?" Letecia asked coming to stand beside us. She saw the horror in my eyes and a strange expression crossed her face, she looked concerned.

My lips wouldn't move as much as I wanted them too. I was thankful that Bethany answered. "Cameron's first lover, but it didn't end too well." Her voice was just higher than a whisper; I could almost hear the anger in her voice. When Fenris ended it with me I wrote all my thoughts down on paper as if it was a journal, I left nothing out, I sent it all to her. Bethany had hated him ever since.

Letecia raised her eyebrow. "So…you're with Alistair now aren't you?"

"Yes...But it's more complicated than that." I stated, I wasn't in the mood to explain since Fenris may walk out the door any second now.

Letecia thought otherwise. "How is it more complicated?" Looking at her I realised she was genuinely curious.

I wanted to relieve her of her curiosity but at that moment Morrigan and Fenris walked out of the Hanged Man, laughing hysterically. I instantly stiffened. I recalled kissing him on the cheek and instantly regretted it. I had never gotten over Fenris since he was my first love; even in my relationship with Anders I had secretly pined for him. However it was different with Alistair, every second I was with him I never wanted anyone else. And right now all I wanted was Alistair.

Fenris looked me straight in the eyes as he and Morrigan approached us, feeling uncomfortable under his gaze I returned his staring in an attempt to unnerve him. I didn't succeed; he smiled weakly at me. It faltered quickly when I didn't return the gesture. Morrigan glanced between the two of us and snorted loudly. My eyes turned to glare down on her, she shifted awkwardly falling silent. Glancing towards Letecia she signalled for us to leave. Turning on my heels, I walked on silently, the others followed closely behind. Morrigan was definitely up to something, was Fenris in on it too?

**X X X**

As the days progressed I felt myself growing more impatient, we were no closer to finding Alistair than when we first started. Alistair was underground in the deep roads, miles beneath our feet. As we moved they moved we had no choice but to enter the deep roads. I had only visited the deep roads twice before, once for the expedition and the second time when I met Nathaniel Howe. Breaking my sworn promise never to return, I entered the deep roads, hopefully for the final time.

As I stood at the edge of a collapsed road I gazed down into a river of lava, vicious spurts leaped from the river making me jump back in fear. Wiping at the sweat forming above my brow, I slowly walked back to Bethany and the others. Bethany sat apart from the others, watching me. Enthusiastically she jumped up and quickly ambled towards me. "I didn't want to disturb you." She said with a weak smile.

"Thank you," I whispered. Along with my impatience I was also growing more sensitive. It was getting harder to join in a casual conversation since all I wanted to talk about was Alistair. Yet no one complained, on the odd occasion I heard Morrigan sigh but that was it. Fenris steered clear of me, but I had to admit he was extremely useful in a fight. The lyrium that marked him made him an extraordinary fighter giving him unique skills that made the fights less of a struggle.

Bethany patted my arm. "We will find him."

Pressing my fingers against the bridge of my nose, I expelled a long breath. "I hope so."

Bethany sighed, kicking at a small dirt pile near her feet. "We will, Cam. I heard Letecia and Morrigan speaking earlier, the group that he's with is only a few miles from here." She turned her head to look at the others I followed her gaze. Letecia was looking back at us, as our eyes met she signalled with her hand for us too leave.

As we descended further into the unknown, the hallways became more chilling. The air was getting colder the lower we went; I had to rub viciously at the small hairs standing up on my arms. Light was slowly glowing dim so we had to rely on a torch I crafted from a dry piece of tree wood I had in my pack. We hadn't encountered many living darkspawn, which continuously nagged at my mind.. However we did pass dead darkspawn, which may have meant we was on the right path. Rounding a tight corner, a nauseating smell filled the air instantly making us all recoil in horror. I pressed my nostrils together with my thumb and index finger but the smell didn't falter. The smell blew into my slightly open mouth, making me gag. At the end of the hall a pile of bodies laid on top of one another as fire burned the flesh, just looking at the heap made my eyes fill with tears. Walking towards it holding my breath, I realised all of the bodies belonged to men of all different shapes and sizes. My eyes caught on the floor in front of them; a piece of parchment was wrapped around a large rock. Someone had scrawled the words '_They will never have you.' _In what looked like blood. Snapping my heads towards Bethany, I saw she also had tears in her eyes as she looked at the pile of burning men.

An ear splitting scream echoed throughout the hall. Twisting around I saw a young girl stood watching me, her face distorted and beaten. She had long white hair that reached her waist. Her eyes a golden brown were large yet sad. As her mouth opened, blood dripped from her lips and down her chin but she didn't notice it as her hand raised to point at me. Abruptly her mouth opened wider as her screams filled the air once again. Covering my ears, I kept my eyes on her. The screams stopped and her mouth twisted into a terrifying smile. _He's waiting for you. _A girlish whisper filled the air but her lips stayed closed. Without another word the _girl _turned away from us and walked away. My heart raced as I looked towards Bethany she was still looking at the men. _Hadn't she noticed the girl? _"Bethany, what just happened?" I asked, my voice lower than a whisper.

She turned to look at me as if I was stupid. "What do you think happened? There is a pile of dead bodies in front of us. Who else would have done this?" Her voice still choked from the tears. Turning to look at Morrigan I realised she was trying her best to not look at the pile of men by inspecting her staff. Beside her Fenris was leant against a pillar looking disgusted. Snapping my head towards Letecia I saw that she was looking at the spot where the girl had stood. I couldn't see her face, so I walked towards her.

"Did you see her too?" I asked.

"Yes." Letecia sighed.

"Who was she?"

"I don't know who she is, but I've seen her before. I think she used to be human. Something terrible happened to her. She came here to warn you." Letecia informed me.

"Warn me? Couldn't she talk instead of scream at me then?" I asked with a hint to sarcasm.

Letecia turned fully towards me. Turning my head to meet her gaze I was shocked to see fear in her eyes. "She screamed at you?"

"She didn't scream at you?" I asked frowning in confusion.

"No…what did she say to you?"

Biting the inside of my gum, I said. "She said. '_He's waiting for you.' _ Maybe she was talking about Alistair."

"Don't be idiotic. Someone sent her here and it definitely wasn't Alistair. I need you to tell me exactly what happened."

So I did. The expression of her face afterwards would haunt me till I died. Her eyes were full of fear but not for herself, for me. She had taken my hand whilst I spoke; her touch was gentle. "Whoever sent her here has a grudge against you. When she screams it usually means something bad is about to happen. When blood drips from her mouth it means death and when she raises her hand… well I don't think I have to tell you the rest." She held onto my hand as she informed everyone of what had happened. However she didn't tell them of what she had seen. I was too worried for myself to ask.

"Does this mean we shouldn't go on?" Bethany asked, sounding doubtful.

"No we should. Alistair still needs our help and I'm sure you're sister hasn't gone through all this trouble to turn back now. We were warned so we should prepare before going any further." In those moments I saw a leader in Letecia and not just a girl. In her short life she has seen things that I have never dreamed of. With a quick glance towards Morrigan I saw pride in her eyes as she faintly smiled at her daughter.

Fixing my pack firmly around my waist, I picked both my daggers from the ground. Fenris had sharpened them for me without asking but I was silently grateful. It still felt awkward with him around, he watched me when he thought I wasn't looking. Morrigan had been the one to point this out. With my daggers in the holsters attached to my waist, I fastened the top of my steel armour firmly so that it hugged me, tightly. Bethany was casting protective spells around herself as she walked over to me. A warm feeling spread through my body and I realised she was casting the same spells onto me to. "Thank you, Bethany."

She smoothed the hair from her face. "This is a much for me as it is for you." She smiled meekly as her other hand slid into mine.

"Don't you go worrying about me; I can take care of myself." A throb in my shoulder disagreed with me. And from the look on Bethany's face she did as well.

"Cameron…" she started but I shoved her hand away.

"We have to get moving."

X X X

"Were getting close." Letecia said from behind me. We were now in a small hallway, weird symbols covered the walls and ceiling. A blood pool was in front of me and in it was something that looked like a finger or half of one. With my hands against the wall to support me I stepped across the pool of blood to avoid stepping in it. I could hear voices coming from a hole halfway up the wall a few feet away. Approaching the hole the voices got louder and clearer. A man and woman were arguing in a language I didn't recognise. Peering into the hole I saw a large room with chains falling from the ceiling. Blood was splattered everywhere. But what caught my eye was the body in the middle. My heart thundered against my ribs as the mop of red brown hair came into view. The body was muscular and I knew instantly that it was Alistair. More voices filled the room making me fall back slightly so only one eye could see what was going on. It was hard to concentrate on what was going on as a dozen mages filled the room. One of which was Anders who stood over Alistair with murderous eyes. Suddenly he drew his foot back and slammed it into Alistair's face. A small squeak escaped my lips as Anders continued to kick Alistair. Searing anger burned in my veins, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the scene in front of me. Feeling a tug on my arm, I turned slightly to see Bethany pointing towards a toppled over steel door. Dipping my head I creeped past the opening, joining Bethany at the large doorway. Taking a deep I steadied my mind. I needed to set revenge from my mind and focus on getting Alistair out alive. I had packed some food and drink supplies sure that they had starved him and that was in the small pack on my side. Setting our bigger bags against the wall, I readied Duncan's sword against me. Letecia sat down near the bags annoyed. Morrigan had demanded that she didn't join in the fight because she was too young, however I knew from the motherly glint in her eye that it was because she didn't Letecia in danger. Fenris stood across from me, openly watching me, catching his eye I grimaced.

Fenris reached out to rest his hand on my shoulder. "I've got you're back." An uncontrollable smile spread across my lips.

"Get Alistair's first. Fenris, I want you to get Alistair to safety. Please." I had thought the idea was crazy at first but then after hours of arguing with myself I knew it was for the best. I knew I could trust Fenris even if I didn't want to.

With a short nod the conversation was over. And we were charging into the room of chains. Morrigan and Bethany casting spells to confuse the enemy. Bodies were dropping everywhere as Fenris and I plowed into of confused blood mages. The room was in chaos; blood spilled and splattered everywhere. Anders was in the middle looking frantic. I sprinted towards him, just as our eyes met I leaped onto him, my dagger punctured the flesh on his arm making him howl out in agony. Putting all my weight onto the dagger in his arm I brought the other dagger up against his throat. Before I could bring the dagger across his throat my back arched and I flew backwards into a pillar of chains. Jumping back to my feet, I set my sights on Anders who stood over Alistair with that murderous glint in his eye. A bloodlust roar escaped my lips and I darted towards him. Anders pulled a knife above his head just as a bolt of lightning hit his side. Fenris was instantly pulling Alistair's arm over his shoulder.

I caught a glimpse of his face and everything came into view. The vision; the white dress, the field, the eyes, the whispers, Alistair not looking like… Alistair. At that moment Alistair looked nothing like himself. His face was covered in deep cuts, dry blood stained his cheeks. His nose was clearly broken since it looked crushed from where I was standing. Instantly, I was by his side pulling him away from Fenris who stepped away awkwardly yet protectively as I caressed my broken Alistair. Tears spilled down my cheeks as I tried to kiss away his wounds. Chaos surrounded me but I couldn't stop looking at the fatal wounds that covered Alistair. He was wearing a thin cloth that was ripped and bloody. As he lay unconscious in my arms I prayed a slow, tortured death upon his attackers. Reaching into the bag at my waist I pulled out a health potion, with my free hand I pulled his lips apart and poured the potion into his mouth. Alistair came to life in my arms, he spluttered against the liquid potion in his mouth. His eyes fluttered open giving me first view of his bloodshot eyes. When he registered who I was his hand reached up to touch my cheek, I leaned my cheek into his hand. "Am I dreaming again?" Alistair whispered as he wiped at my tear with his thumb.

"I'm here." I smiled gently.

Alistair smiled back. "I'm going to die." His smile didn't falter as he said this, which made me cry harder.

"No," I said through gritted teeth. I looked up at Fenris who bent down beside us. Alistair frowned at him trying to picture him. "This is Fenris. He's going to get you out of here." I said before leaning down and placing a gentle kiss on his mouth.

"I don't think so." A voice shouted. I looked up to see Anders holding a blade to Bethany's throat. Morrigan was nowhere to be seen. And I realised she deserted us. Keeping my eyes glued to he blade at Bethany's throat, Fenris took Alistair from me; I stood up and readied a blade myself.

"Let go of my sister." I growled. Anders let out a bark of laughter.

"Wouldn't you like to know why I killed all those people?" Anders asked grinning.

"You make me sick." I spat.

"It was all for you." Anders said, ignoring me.

"I hate you." I cried in outburst.

"I wanted you to see that I'm nothing without you, just a soulless monster. But no, you don't want me, do you?" Unexpectedly, he started crying. Bethany saw that chance to stamp on his foot but she missed. Angrily, Anders pulled the knife closer to her throat.

"Is that why you killed those people? Because I didn't want you." This man was certainly not the man I had once been in love with. Justice has corrupted every inch of him and I felt pity on him but then Anders has always been a dark horse,

"Sweetheart." Anders cooed shaking his head. "I killed them because you hate me. I tried to fight the insanity but when I saw the hate in your eyes I lost it. This my love is all you're fault."

"My fault?" I breathed. "You brought this on yourself!" I screamed.

Anders nuzzled into Bethany's hair. "I know that that's why it's so painful." Bethany shuddered.

"I hate you even more for doing this. Don't you understand that? You have a knife to my sister's throat and you tortured the man I love." I froze at my choice of words and so did Anders. His face contorted with anger. He tightened the knife against Bethany's throat making blood fall down her neck.

"Please, let her go." I begged.

"I'm afraid it's too late for that…"

**Please review….**


	14. Chapter 13 - to be rewritten

_A/N:_ I've been looking through my work and realised I made a mistake on the time setting. This book is actually set 12 years after the blight, ends which would make Cameron 33 during this book and Alistair would be 35.Chapter 14- Without you

I don't know what to say,

I don't know what to say anymore,

Cause it's all been said before,

And I don't know where you are; all I know is your far,

And you're not coming back.

**Without you - Pixie Lott**

Anders' face reflected his struggle between shame and defiance, as he held the knife at Bethany's throat. His knuckles were white from the intensity of his grip on the knife. A small drop of blood dripped from Bethany's throat as his hold on her tightened. It wasn't too late to stop him; it couldn't be when so much was at stake. His eyes weren't glowing which meant Justice was not in the room, for him at least.

"Take me." The words burst out from my lips with no thought, yet I knew they were the right ones. Anders' eyes finally met mine but he wasn't truly looking at me when a slow grin spread across his lips.

"Oh, sweet, sweet Cameron. How noble you are." He cooed turning his head to nuzzle into Bethany's hair. A hint of a glow trailed beneath his skin from his temple towards his eyes.

Anger ripped through me at the sight of Justice. In my heart I believed he was partially the caused this, his need for justice overruled the real world and slowly turned Anders into what he had feared most. I had an overwhelming desire to pierce through Anders' heart; I became transfixed on his icy blue eyes.

"Give me back my sister." I hissed through gritted teeth.

"Give me back Alistair." The menacing voice of Justice echoed throughout the room. Only by looking at Bethany did I notice her whimper, hope was quickly draining from her. I had no intention of handing back Alistair, but at the same time I wasn't going to allow my sister to die after taking her away from the Circle.

"Please, take me." Dropping to my knees and clasping my hands together, I pleaded with my eyes. It had never occurred to me how I'd die even when death surrounded me. When father died, his face remained peaceful; even in his death, I felt the hope he had always given me. However with Bethany's life being threatened it brought back the memories of my mother's death, all hope drained in just one glance.

The glow slowly left Anders eyes but what replaced it scared me more than anything else had. The glare in his eyes was murderous as he dragged the knife deliberately and deeply across her throat. Bethany's screams abruptly stopped as the blade cut across front of her throat.

Her beautiful eyes never left mine as the life slowly drained from her. Every bone in my body wanted to help her but something held me firmly in place. I didn't know why I couldn't move, it was as if my body wasn't my own and I was watching from a distance. The sound of my heartbeat pounded in my ears and ticked away the final seconds of Bethany's life.

Her body started to sag; Anders held her around the waist to keep her up. With that movement, my feet started working again and my hand was already taking out a small blade I had in the back of my scabbard With the knife pinched between my finger and thumb I threw it. The blade spiralled soundlessly through the air, piercing the flesh of the hand Anders in which he was holding his knife. He screamed out in agony, releasing both the knife and my sister.

Bethany dropped lifelessly to the floor. Diving to catch her, I was too late and her head smacked hard on the ground. Gathering her up into my arms, the blood from her neck seeped between my fingers as was her life itself. I was filed with an overwhelming sadness; the tears that welled up in my eyes blurred my vision. The warmth of her skin felt wrong at the sight of her lifeless form. She didn't look at peace like my father did. Bowing down I fought against the sobs as I kissed her gently on the forehead whilst praying for her soul to reach our family at the side of the Maker. As young girls we had always believed the Maker would be waiting for us with our loved ones, we would pray before going to sleep and when we awoke, Bethany would sometimes pray when she thought she was alone, she wanted a happy ending for all of us. She prayed when father died and I remember that night perfectly.

"…_Father is a good man." I heard her say the night he died. She had only been fifteen at the time "Maker, I pray to you to guide him safely to happiness in at your side until we join him in everlasting rest." Sobs came from the room as I listened intently from the hall. The sobs got louder and heavier so I burst through the slightly a-jar door and threw my arms around her shoulders. I could remember the smell of sweat that filled my nose; it was a good smell not the choking smells that normal spoke of a day of hard labour. A small knock on the door made Bethany jump, she wiped frantically at the loose tears falling down her face but she couldn't hide the red around her eyes. _

_Standing up, beside her, I took in Carver, who stood awkwardly in the doorway; tears also stained on his face. I didn't get the urge to comfort him like I did for Bethany; earlier on that day I had heard him say that father's death had been a good thing since father was ill. In my heart I knew he was right, but the resentment stayed. Beside me, Bethany looked pleased to see him in her room and I remember the confused and jealous feeling that filed a lump in my stomach. She had idolised me from infancy; the same look in her eyes had always been for me and no one else. Seeing her gaze at Carver that way brought a million questions to mind. _

"_Can I pray with you?" Carver asked quietly. He stood stiffly and instantly I knew that this was hard for him. I didn't answer, but in my head I was screaming no. So I was slightly irritated when Bethany said yes, and he walked in closing the door. With a quick glance towards me, Carver knelt down near the end of Bethany's bed; Bethany imitated him. Silently sighing, I joined them on the other side of Bethany. Since I was the oldest, I began. _

"_Blessed our father whose soul has departed into the Fade, please take him safely to your side." I said loudly. We had never stuck to the chant of the Chantry since it would be a contradiction to our way of life, so we spoke from our hearts._

"_Guide his soul to happiness and never make him feel alone." Bethany whispered the sobs subsided. _

"_And never let him go hungry." Carver finished. More resentment filled me and my jaw slacked. Out of all things that he could have said that was what he choose to send with our father. I knew the inside joke well, for weeks on end we only had bread and water to fill our hungry bellies. During those times father would always complain he was hungry then mother would scream at him to find us all food, he'd say this even if he wasn't hungry, he just liked seeing mother lively, even if she was angry at the time. _

Smoothing back delicate strands of dark hair from Bethany's face I leaned down to kiss her skin, sweet lavender filled my nostrils as I tried to take in every sense of her. A small breath of air escaped her lips as her soul floated away from her. I could hear the blood pounding in my ears; I had no idea how long I sat cradling Bethany in my arms. All I could think about was her smile, the way her lips thinned out baring her gorgeous, straight, pearly teeth. My heart melted, I'd never see her smile again. I could hear the sound of feet scraping against the floor behind me; only one word came to mind. Alistair. I had come so close to losing the man I loved, but I lost my little sister instead. Karma was a bitch.

That was when the anger came…

Tilting my head, I saw Anders rugged shoes a few feet away, my eyes trailed up to look at his face. A deep cut was under his right eye, his hair drenched in blood. The look in his eyes was heart-breaking, as grief took over him. Fenris stood behind Anders holding him in place awaiting my punishment. Gently laying Bethany on the floor, I rocked slightly as I stood up. Anders eyes followed me watching my every move trying to read my actions. Slowly, I approached him till I was just inches away. The sorrow in his eyes made me feel sick. Apparently, Justice wasn't present.

"I hate you." I whispered without encouragement.

Anders winced; tears filled his eyes. My hand clenched and I could feel them turning white under the pressure, fury raged through me. My emotions were at a fever pitch as I pulled back my arm and punched hard, hitting him square in the nose. He sagged slightly in Fenris' arms. Blood trickled from his nostrils and met with the crease in his lip. I drew my hand back to hit him again but the way Anders flinched stopped me.

I hissed, "'Forever'...Remember? That's what you said." Anders looked straight into my eyes and finally I saw the apology, the heartbreaking apology that didn't matter anymore as my sister lay dead only a few feet away. "You said you'd love me…forever."

"I do love you." He whispered.

Pure rage flowed through my veins. It controlled me.

"Go to the void."

Then I lunged for Anders throat…

X X X

Bethany was dead.

Anders was dead.

But _he_ didn't die today; he died six years when he blew up the chantry.

Before, when I faced him at Vigil's Keep, I had believed that he could be brought back. Even when he kidnapped Alistair, I still believed that I could bring back the man I fell in love with. Which made me feel guilty. A part of me had still been insanely in love with Anders, every inch of myself was certain that he was still in there. However when I saw the murderous glint in his eyes as he brought the blade across Bethany's throat that was when I realised the man I loved would never come back.

Which finally brought me to Alistair. He leaned, casually, against the wall watching me, sadness in his eyes. An urge for his arms around me made me walk towards him. Blood covered his face, but he still looked handsome almost …_dangerous_? Then I saw how his arm hung awkwardly away from his body and that's when the guilt came back. I stopped in front of him, content with my decision. "You have to go back to Ferelden, Alistair." When he didn't answer immediately I added. "…without me."

Alistair sighed heavily looking me straight in the eyes. "I'm not leaving you." Clearly he wasn't going down without a fight; this was a first…

"Ferelden needs their King." I said. And it was true, we'd been away from Ferelden for nearly four months, he had to go back.

"You need me." He pushed himself from the wall, so his face was inches from mine.

"I'm meant to be alone Alistair." Now, that I was totally sure about. Slowly but surely every person I loved was ripped away from me. First father then Carver, Mother, Anders, and now Bethany. I had come so close to losing Alistair as well, that I feared for his life. Every second with me could mean the end of his life, how could I allow it?

"I'm not leaving you." He said again, this time he gripped my wrists gently.

Tears threatened to expose me, why did he have to make this hard? "You will only die if you stay with me." My hand itched to smooth his sore cheeks but I couldn't.

"I can take care of myself." A small smile played on his broken lips.

"You're better off without me…everyone is." I said; shifting my gaze to his fingers linked around my wrist. I wish he'd just get angry.I wish he'd yell at me. I wish he'd tell me everything was my fault like I knew it was.

But he didn't… "I love you." He whispered, his hands smoothed up my arms and locked on my elbows. My heart accelerated as he leaned down and brushed his lips against my forehead, minuscule tears rolled down my cheeks.

"I'm not good for you Alistair." The words came out in sobs, which only made him embrace me. It felt good being pressed against him, to let all my sadness out. Yet, over all the sadness, the guilt was still there, blinding me from the real troubles. Bethany was dead, but how could I mourn her when I felt so much guilt? It was my fault that she was here. It was my fault she died. If only I realised that she was perfectly happy back at the Circle. Then she may still be alive. I didn't deserve the comfort Alistair was giving me. I didn't deserve his love when my mistakes nearly sent him to his death. Yet, at that moment, all I wanted was his arms, his love.

X X X

We arrived back in Kirkwall only ten hours later. There was no sign of Morrigan or Letecia. They had abandoned us that was clear, but I didn't care. I finally realised Alistair wasn't going anywhere without me. We wrapped Bethany's face in a cloth that was used for bandaging wounds; we didn't have enough to cover her entire body.

The ache in my heart worsened as I thought about the memories Bethany and I shared. It hurt even more to know that those memories would always stay that way. In those memories, I couldn't help but feel regret. I had made her so many promises, ones that I never fulfilled. It was difficult not to remember the times that I had said cruel things to her. I couldn't have made her life easy when I made odd comments about her being an abomination. I had only said them when she truly angered me, but even when I said them I knew I shouldn't have. All I wanted now was to apologise, but the terror was not over. Mages still rampaged through Thedas, the war continued even without Anders to lead the rebellion.

We climbed from the ferry as it docked in the Gallows; Alistair cradled his right arm around my shoulders while Fenris walked quietly behind us carrying Bethany's body. A crowd was gathered near the entrance. They parted as we walked through. I heard Cullen's voice before I saw him; he sounded agitated. I wasn't looking forward to him seeing Bethany the way she was. Though when I saw Cullen, a wide smile spread across his handsome face, unexpectedly tears fell down my cheek. A frown furrowed his forehead as his gaze fell upon Fenris; I couldn't imagine what we must have looked like.

I knew telling him the news wouldn't be good for any of us in front a crowd, so I walked straight towards him, slid my hand through his and pulled him through the gates, I didn't stop till we approached the Gallows courtyard. I motioned for Fenris to settle Bethany down on a small bed that must have been used by people who couldn't gain entrance to the city. I remembered the first day we came to Kirkwall, mother had been distressed mainly because of Carver's death, but Bethany had tried to keep things lively.

I clutched my hands in front of me as I watched Cullen; his eyes hadn't left Bethany. "Is that…?" Cullen choked a sob. I couldn't bring myself to speak, so I nodded. Unexpectedly, a tear slid down his cheek and he shoved a clenched fist into his mouth as the tear turned into hysterical cries. I moved forward to comfort him, but he turned to glare at me. "Who did this to her?"

"Anders." Alistair interrupted me before I could speak. He rested his hand on the small of my back, which gave me courage.

"I hope _you_ took care of him." Cullen practically hissed; he gazed at me as he spoke. I nodded, though I was perplexed. His reaction to this had astounded me; I hadn't expected such fury from him. Did this reaction have anything to do with his sudden change in heart towards me?

Suddenly Fenris was there, his head slightly turned as if he was trying to analyse Cullen from a different angle. "Isn't it forbidden for a Templar to love a mage and vice versa?"

_Love? _

Cullen flinched. "I have no idea what you're talking about elf." Even if he didn't flinch I could hear the tremble and lie in his words.

"You love my sister?" This, I had definitely not expected and why hadn't Bethany said anything? Didn't she know or was this really something she couldn't have trusted me with?

Cullen sighed, his shoulders tensed. "It was impossible not to fall in love with her, trust me I tried." The tears didn't stop falling down his face.

"If that's the case why did you let her come with me?" It's not that I was blaming him, I was genuinely curious about this 'secret' relationship.

Cullen glared at me furiously. "Because I thought she'd be safe with you. She was always talking about you, saying she missed you. I wanted her to be happy. I trusted she'd be safe. This is your fault!" _Finally._ The words stung but I knew I deserved them and they only rang with truth. I felt Alistair's hand tense on my back but he didn't say anything.

So I was surprised when Fenris pounced onto Cullen and pushed him against the wall with a threatening glare. "This isn't her fault. How dare you accuse her of that. Did you think she planned on Bethany being murdered by someone she used to be in love with? None of us knew Anders was this much of an abomination. I nearly thought it impossible that Anders would ever cause Cameron this much pain. Yes, she's in pain too, blaming herself just as much as you are." Fenris' jaw locked as he and Cullen stared down one another. Then he stepped away from Cullen and turned towards me, the anger instantly erased from his face. In one step he was directly in front of me, his hand on my cheek. A frown creased my forehead. I had never seen him act this way.

"Don't blame yourself Cameron." He leaned down and kissed my cheek. I couldn't help but be aware of Alistair; if it bothered him, he made no move to show it. Fenris leaned away and smiled, he turned to look at Alistair. "She's special, Your Majesty. Take care of her." He turned without waiting for an answer. In that moment I saw a friend rather than the first man that I ever loved and I pondered on the idea that maybe the love had been just that, friendship. Fenris had realised that right from the beginning.

My attention was brought back to Cullen who was looking over at Bethany's body; pain filled his eyes. "She'd hate me for blaming you." He hung his head then turned slightly to look at me. "I'm sorry."


	15. Chapter 14 - to be rewritten

**Chapter 15-Iridesent**

You were standing in the wake of devastation,

You were waiting on the edge of the unknown,

With the cataclysm raining down,

Insides crying save me now,

You were there when possibly alone.

**Iridescent by Linkin Park**

**4 and a half months later**

I'd been dreading this day for months, actually ever since my last birthday. The only difference between this birthday and the past five others is that I wasn't laying in a pool of sick and blood wishing my life would just end. No, for this birthday I sat on the end of a king's bed, trying my best not to wake up the King who was snuggled under the covers. A beam of moonlight crept through the thick curtains and projected a misty haze upon the floor. A slight tap against the window made me snap my eyes up, where I saw a black crow staring in at me. I started, jumping up, and stifling an awkward laugh, still unsure whether or not to wake Alistair.

A nightmare had woken me from my slumber, the same nightmare I've been having for months. It's always about Anders with those piercing glowing eyes and his blade up against Bethany's throat. Her screams are what terrify me the most as I can never save her, which just makes them worse each time.

Smoothing back a loose strand of hair from my eye, I crossed quietly over to a small desk, which was now mine. Only a few of my belongings from my estate in Kirkwall made it too this desk. Mother's necklace was neatly placed in front of the mirror. Alistair had asked one of the maids to clean it for me. I hadn't been grateful at first because he did it without telling me but now, as I look at, it I'm happy. A small book lay beside the necklace; it was dark red just like my hair with an engraving of a hawk in the middle. When Alistair first gave it too me I couldn't help but laugh at his gesture.

A small grin spread across Alistair's lip's as he held something behind his back. My first thought was that he had brought me flowers because that was his usual gift. But as he held out the red book engraved with the hawk my heart fluttered so wildly that I had to clutch at my stomach whilst a burst of giggles turned into hysterical barks of laughter. I couldn't contain the laughs even as the hurt creased into his face. "What's so funny?" He asked.

The laughs were gone as quickly as they came as soon as I heard the humiliation in his voice. "Oh… I thought it was supposed to be a joke. Since that is a hawk." I pointed at the book. "And I am Hawke." It felt as if my heart had fell into my stomach. "But that's not really funny is it?" It hadn't been funny really yet my body wasn't used to happiness so when I actually felt happy, I exaggerated it too much.

"Oh, I didn't even notice that." He chuckled. Only a few minutes later we were both curled on the floor crying with laughter.

A smile spread across my lips at the memory, who'd have thought that was only last month. Picking up the diary, I ran my finger over the hawk. It was ugly and it looked evil from it's devilish round eyes. Was that what I looked liked to people who feared me? Was I just a menace to everyone? Another tap on the window made me look around. The crow was still staring me like it was intrigued with what I was doing. Crow's were just as ugly as hawk's, from my point of view anyway.

Creeping across the room, I held the book firmly by my side. Approaching the large glass, I quickly slipped outside onto the large balcony. The night was cold against my bare arms, the air smelled fresh after a day full of pouring rain. I gazed up at the blanket of stars cast over a vast sky of deep blue; it was truly magnificent to look at. As my eyes wondered over thousands of stars I couldn't help but wonder if someone else could be doing this and feeling what I am feeling. Doubt filled me as I looked down at the city below. Who else would bother to cherish the night sky whilst fearing for their lives in a city like this? Alistair may be the King but he abandoned the city for months on end at the start of the year, in his time away a lot of the city folk took advantage of their King's absence. Rumors spread of women having gone missing and then reappearing, weeks later, raped and half-dead. This was not a good time to be king. I over-heard two nobles doubting his rule, only loyalty to Alistair stopped me from shouting at them. The Landsmeet had made it abundantly clear I was not take part in any political matters, if I did it wouldn't reflect well on Alistair.

Sitting down on a cushioned chair, I propped my feet up on the ottoman that I had demanded for Alistair to bring out here. I laid the red book on my legs, reaching over the armrest; I snatched up the quill and ink that I stashed under the chair. This was the first time I had written in any book since I was in Kirkwall. That memoir was now in the hands of Varric. Unlatching the metal clasp on the book, I opened to cover to fine paper that still had the intricate design from the tree it had been created from. With one hand I dunked the quill in the ink whilst the over held the book open, using the quill was easier than I remembered.

Dear journal,

Alistair is all I have left. It scares me just as much as knowing that I am all he has, excluding his country of course. It shouldn't be this way, we shouldn't be lonely together it's worse than being lonely all by myself because I'm constantly terrified that's he's going to leave me. At least when I was on my own I only had myself to think of.

It's hard living in a castle. It's so quiet. So boring. It doesn't feel like home even though I want it too, badly. I hate having the maids do everything for me; only last week did Alistair order me to apologize to my hand-servant when I yelled at her for trying to clean my blades. It was humiliating and I deserved it, but I avoided him for nearly two days.

I've been writing to my cousin, Charade, Uncle Gamlen's daughter. She's getting married and I'm invited. Something to look forward to, I guess. I'll be glad when I get out of this castle; I'm almost tempted to escape over the walls now, and head to the tavern. The thought of a nice cold pint of ale down my throat is mouth watering.

It's almost morning so I better get back into bed before Alistair wakes up and finds me not there.

After shutting the journal I leaned over the armrest and placed the quill and ink back under the chair. Morrigan suddenly came to mind; I hadn't heard a thing from her since she deserted us in the fight against Anders and his blood mages. Anger still burned in my veins from her betrayal. I couldn't help but think that circumstances may have been different if she hadn't run off. Yet in truth I wasn't even surprised by her betrayal, it was Letecia that really hurt me. She had promised to stand by me to the end; I thought we had grown close; she had encouraged me to go forward. I was going to find them, confront them. However, right this second I didn't know how or what I was going to do if I did find them. I only knew one person who could help me but she was traipsing around Thedas' and I had no idea where to start looking.

The night breeze was relaxing against the small headache creeping into my. I had no desire to even move from this chair. Curling my legs up under me and using my arms as a pillow on the armrest, I rested my head on them and closed my eyes. I didn't know when I fell asleep but when the dreams came, it was a nice surprise to find that it wasn't the usual nightmare. It was the same field as what was supposedly the vision I had seen before, flowers of many colors covered the ground, and it filled my nose with a sense of sweetness and beauty. I could hear birds singing lovely tunes that filled my heart with joy. But what really made this dream even more desirable was Bethany, who stood in a white frilly dress extending her arms out to me.

If it wasn't for Anders standing beside her I would have ran into her embrace. He was smiling, as if nothing had happened, as if he didn't kill Bethany. He took a step towards Bethany and the smile on his face turned into a sadistic grin. I choked back a scream when he drew a blade from his robes. What horrified me more was that Bethany was still smiling; her arms were still waiting for me. She seemed completely unaware of Anders, of the knife in his hands. The scream didn't come even when he grabbed Bethany around the throat but what was even more confusing was the smile still on her face, and her willingness to go into his arms.

Anders smoothed the hair from Bethany's shoulders exposing the glowing skin of her neck. He leaned down and pressed his lips against her throat, I almost thought he was going to bite her when I heard a suckling sound. Bethany's body started to sag and her skin seemed to tighten as if her blood was being sucked out of her. It was exactly like what happened over four months ago, Bethany was being murdered right before my eyes and I couldn't do anything, I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, but worst of all, I couldn't keep my eyes from hers. I was watching the life drain so clearly from her, yet I couldn't stop it because I was weak. Anders suddenly pushed Bethany away from him; she wobbled idly before collapsing to the ground. Lifting his head to look at me he grinned, then the screams finally escaped my throat. "Cameron." A voice whispered dreamily.

My eyes fluttered open, I was instantly aware of strong arms, embracing me. Uncontrolled tears flowed down my face; I could taste their saltiness my tongue as hysterical moans escaped my mouth. Alistair pulled me fully into his arms and didn't seem to care as I drenched his thin undershirt with my tears. "I hate him." I cried into Alistair's chest. He nuzzled his lips into my hair while stroking my back, which was his usual way of comforting me. But it didn't work this time, not against the anger. Shoving away from him, I didn't care at that moment about the hurt look in his eyes; I sprinted back into the room. Nothing made me stop not even Alistair's pleading shouts. I ran through the castle, passing no one, I couldn't stop, my feet weren't attached to my brain anymore. Every instinct of mine was to turn back and go to Alistair to apologize; I could still hear his thundering feet behind me. His shouts were getting louder and more pleading, I was hurting him more by running. Abruptly, I stopped moved against the wall and slid down it till I was sitting on the floor embracing my knees against my chest. I wasn't aware when Alistair had caught up with me until he slid down next to me breathing heavily. "I'm so sorry." I said, peeking at him from between my red locks.

"What happened?" He asked, his tone a mix of anger and worry. I couldn't blame him for being angry that I shoved him away from me.

I didn't hesitate before realizing it was true. "I need help." I added. "Professional help." Just as he put his arm around me.

I felt him press his lips against my shoulder. "Maybe you need some time away from here as well." He slid my journal onto my lap; I should have felt angry that he had read it, but somehow I felt happy. More so, I felt relief. He finally knew my worries and finally he understood.

"I think I'm going to go find Riona." This time I turned to face him, so I could see the emotions on his face. All I saw was confusion.

"What's she going to do that I can't?" He asked a deep frown on his face.

"She isn't confined to a castle and a country." I instantly regretted saying this as more hurt showed on his face. Before he could say anything, I added. "I mean that I don't want to take you away from Ferelden." Realization crossed his face with his sexy crooked smile that always made me feel weak at the knees.

"You are the most unselfish person I have ever met." He reached out and smoothed his hand over my cheek; I pressed my head in his cupped hand and smiled. "I love you."

He leaned in and planted a gentle kiss on my lips. As he pulled away I said. "I love you too."

I lifted my fingers to his lips; they parted under my touch. I couldn't help but be aroused by this; my heart was beating wildly. We still hadn't had sex and I knew he was only holding back because I was in a bad place, which only made me love him more. "I'm ready." I whispered. My heart was so full of love that it was impossible not to be in a good place at this moment. Alistair's eyes widened and he gulped as I slid my hand into his. Pulling him up with me, I lead him to the nearest door, I didn't know what was behind it but I was far from caring. Opening the door, I found that it was an exact replica of the room I had stayed in when I first came here. Before the door was even closed Alistair pulled me into his arm and planted small kisses on my eyes, nose, and cheeks, along my jaw; finally he crushed his lips on mine. This kiss had more desire and hunger attached to it that started to make my head whirl, he tasted so sweat, it felt like my heart was trying to climb out of my throat.

He pulled away slightly but leaned his forehead against mine. "Are you sure?"

"Oh, shut up." A laughed burst from my lips and I pulled his head back down. His hands slid around my waist to the small of my back and I arched against him as the kiss deepened. Just by holding me, Alistair banished all the guilt and pain, and wiped out the past that had been haunting me for so many years, even if it was only for this moment. The times before had never felt as good as this, so many kisses but none of them felt as mature and desirable as this. Each touch felt like a caress as we pulled the clothes from our bodies. The touch of cool silk pressed against my back as Alistair placed me onto the bed.

His hand slid over my belly as he kissed my collarbone, as I smoothed my hand over his back, up his neck and into his hair that I held firmly between my fingers. My back arched as his mouth moved tenderly down my body. Never before had I felt such over-powering pleasure, not with Fenris or Anders. Never had love felt so uncomplicated. It felt so right being loved by Alistair, his warmth, and his hard muscles embracing me tenderly. I couldn't believe we had waited till now to do this. When he moved down my body and pulled my legs over his shoulders, I wasn't prepared for the intense pleasure that made me tremble with desire. The intensity increased with such ferocity that I seemed to forget everything, all I could think about was what Alistair was doing to me, with his mouth and tongue. The pleasure stopped suddenly and I couldn't help but look down at him to see why. He was staring at me so lovingly that my heart skipped a beat.

"I want you." He said hoarsely, moving up, he embraced me in his arms. Nuzzling my head against his chest; I licked his warm skin. "Do you want to do this? Are you sure?" He asked me again.

"More sure than I've been in a very long time." I smiled brilliantly at him to add more encouragement, which seemed to work as he leaned down and kissed me. It went on and on, growing more and more passionate as he slowly moved over me. A shuddering moan escaped his lips, I was aware of nothing but pleasure and the sweat sensuality of his lips on mine. When we climaxed I was only consumed by love. The guilt and shame seemed foreign. Alistair moved up to embrace me in his arms and we lay wordlessly together until we both fell asleep.

By the time I woke up, the sun was already shining, the bed beside me was empty, and I instantly sat upright. Relief embraced me when I saw Alistair slipping his undershirt over his head. He must have sensed me watching him because he turned his head to look at me. His face was becoming increasingly dear to me and I knew I was going to miss it as dearly when I left to look for Riona. "Lets not leave this room until we really have to." I said in my best seductive voice. It must have worked because he moved towards the bed so fast that I wasn't prepared for the thousands of kisses he placed on my lips. We made love so many times that day, we weren't even aware of the maids outside the door who must have heard us. Embarrassment was the last thing on my mind.

Later we found ourselves feeling heady from so much joy, that we were laughing hysterically. Alistair pranced around the room dancing and twirling; it was hard to not to laugh. As he danced around with a towel, I smiled warmly at him and said, "Thank you." This stopped him in his tracks.

"What for?" He asked, the towel still between his legs, I suppressed a laugh.

"For being you." I shrugged. "For making me happy." Alistair moved towards the bed and sat down in front of me. He reached forward and traced what I knew was my scar that I got from defending him all those months ago when our relationship had just started to blossom.

"All I want is for you to be happy." I knew what he meant by this. He was saying I should go if that's what I needed to get better. I couldn't imagine leaving him at this moment but we both knew that constant lovemaking was not going to help my ever-growing depression for much longer. Alistair pulled me into his arms resting his chin on top of my head, he sighed deeply. He crushed a kiss against my hair before pulling me up to stand in front of the bed. With soft hands he brushed my hair from my face and grinned. "Wanna do something naughty?" He asked in a cheeky tone.

Even with a day full of lovemaking his tone made me blush. "Haven't we been doing that?" I asked just as my stomach growled.

Alistair laughed and patted my belly. "That's a whole other kind of naughty. No, what I'm talking about is a bit quieter. Let's raid the larder."

And that was how I found myself, ten minutes later, eating cold soup on bread from a pan, as Alistair ate cold chicken off the bone. When I finished the soup, I threw it down unsatisfied. "Shh" Alistair laughed before taking another large bite out of the chicken leg. Leaning against the counter, only wearing a pair of pants and Alistair's shirt, which I had wrestled away from him.

I couldn't help but wonder about what he really thought about me leaving. Did he feel sad that I didn't think only he could help me get better? Did he realise that I was leaving for other reasons that I didn't want him to know about just yet? Or was he completely oblivious to that fact? Something deep down told me that he was suspicious and his comment earlier about him only wanting me to be happy gave evidence to that thought. The thing was – I was already happy. This was the happiest that I have been, since before mother died. Yet, how long was it going to last? Alistair couldn't be with me every second of every day and I was scared of the moment he'd have to leave me alone. Which I'm sure isn't healthy.

"I won't be gone any longer than necessary." I crossed my bear legs over one another as I watched his face carefully.

He instantly stopped eating to look at me. "Cam, I just want you to get better. It doesn't matter how long it takes." He put the chicken leg onto the counter and walked towards me placing his hands on the counter either side of me. He pressed his forehead against mine and kissed my nose before pulling me into his arms. I nuzzled my face into his chest as the happiness welled up inside me again. His hands stroked my hair, catching on knotted strands showing my laziness. It was moments like this that I remembered the times after my mother died, when Anders used to comfort me. There were times when those memories would only bring anger and pain but all they brought now was relief, as if now that Anders was dead I could reflect over our memories and remember the man he had once been. "You haven't fallen asleep down there have you?" Alistair asked bringing me out from my thoughts. I sagged playfully in his arms and snorted loudly. "Oh dear." He said, picking me up in his arms. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I stared deeply into his dark eyes. He leaned down to kiss me and I lost myself in his sweat-intoxicating scent. I entwined my fingers around his neck and pressed closer into his warmth.

A taste of salty tears touched my cheek and I instantly realised he was crying, lovingly I licked the tear from his cheeks. "I love you." I whispered.

"As I love you, lets go to bed now, Sweetheart." He didn't stop carrying me as he walked through the castle back to his room. We didn't make love that night; we just lay entwined in each other's love and for the first time in months I didn't dream.


	16. Chapter 15 - to be rewritten

**Chapter 16- Waiting for the end. **

What was left when the fire was gone?

I thought it felt right but that right was wrong.

All caught up in the eye of the storm.

And trying to figure out what it's like moving on.

And I don't even know what words I've said,

My mouth kept moving but my mind went dead,

So picking up the pieces, now where to begin?

The hardest part of ending is starting again.

**Linkin Park- Waiting for the end. **

Alistair took a deep breath of clammy Ferelden air that didn't help the throbbing in the back of his head. _She_ was leaving in a few days and he was reluctantly stuck in bed. He wasn't in bed now, but he wasn't far from it. Alistair leaned on the cold, stone wall that stopped him from carelessly falling to his death. That was the last thing he wanted, so he stepped away from the wall and headed back into his chambers.

The room was undeniably messy; Cameron's clothes were scattered carelessly across the floor. He feared what her room must have looked like while she lived in her estate in Kirkwall. He was just as bad though; his clothes were in an untidy heap in front of the dresser. _Well maybe not as bad. _He thought, as a small smile played on his lips.

A feeling of dread entered his mind as the thought of this room being tidy again when she left. What would he do without her? She had only just started opening up to him again, even if she did tell him it had been her birthday three days after it occurred. When he calculated that the three days ago had been the first time they made love, he felt instantly better.

Now it was over a week later and Alistair was getting restless. Cameron was leaving for Antiva for Maker knows how long and she was going by herself. As the king he shouldn't allow this, but if he couldn't go with her who would? He was the only person she talked to, except some in the guard, but they had no experience in anything expect guarding the castle walls. Of course there was Tomas, he had shown a great liking to her, yet it was clear even to him that Tomas liked her more than he should. Cameron, in her current state of mind, didn't seem to notice, or didn't care. This made her so much different from Riona. Memories of Riona flirting and tempting men she knew fancied her proved his point.

Alistair smoothed the back of his hand across his forehead before deciding he had to see her. Walking down to the sparring ring took him less than five minutes and he was just in time to see Cameron enter the ring, looking stronger and healthier than she has in months. Her dark red hair had been pulled into a braid that fell down her back. She wore armour that he had specifically ordered from Master Wade; made of silverite steel with a tint of red. On the back was the same engraving that was on the front of the journal he'd given her. It was fitting to her womanly frame and showed off her slender hips. She held two Finesse blades in either hand that glowed with enchantments. In her firm stance she looked like a fine rogue.

Alistair pulled his gaze away from her to find Tomas also looking at her. Alistair took this chance to confront him. As he approached, he was already prepared for the hesitance and nervousness in Tomas' eyes as he realised a king wanted to chat. These sort of looks he saw often in his guards, which he felt was the worst part of being king. As part of the Grey Warden's he was accepted and had always felt as part of the group. These days, he didn't have many 'true' friends.

"You're majesty." Tomas bowed.

Alistair couldn't help but sigh. "Please." Tomas lifted his head sceptically.

"You're majesty wishes to speak to me?" This man was clearly bemused by that fact. Tomas wasn't a handsome man; Alistair knew that straight off. His eyes were like slits under large bushy eyebrows. His lips were thin, and Alistair could see they were chapped. His hair was a lot longer and scruffier than when they set off for Cumberland, seven months ago.

"Yes, privately. If that's alright?" Alistair couldn't believe he was doing this. Even with the ache to get back to bed he knew this had to be done. He motioned for Tomas to follow him across the courtyard and into one of three kitchens. This one in particular was for the guards. He could hear someone scuttling round in the small larder off to the side but it didn't matter.

Alistair turned to Tomas who watched him eagerly. "I need you to do something for me because I know you and Cameron have become more than just acquaintances." He hesitated.

"You're majesty?"

"As you must know, Cameron is leaving in a few days for Antiva. I must ask you to go with her." As soon as he said the words, the glow in Tomas' eyes, when he registered what Alistair said, had been enough for him to want to take back his words, however Alistair also realised that he could trust this man, with every inch of his soul, to keep her safe.

So he didn't say anything as Tomas reached out his hand to shake Alistair's. "I'd be honoured."

X X X

**Cameron**

Picking up speed, I rolled away from Trainer Grady's blade as it sliced into the air My body fills with adrenaline as he regains his composure and turns on me. No training for months was showing as I hesitated before lunging towards Grady. The odds, however, were against me as Grady tackled me. If he didn't cradle me against him, I would have surely knocked my head on the ground.

"You need more training." His tone was serious and very different from the playful taunting from when we first began.

"I'll try harder." My hands tightened on the swords against my waist. Grady still hadn't let go, which made me fell uncomfortable. I wriggled my hips to signal to him, which must have worked because a frown creased onto his forehead, and he jumped to his feet.

"No."

"What? I don't understand." And I didn't. Was he saying I was useless? That there was no point trying harder if I couldn't do the simple basics anymore?

"You are in pain. Every thing you threw my way caused you agony. Didn't it?" He said this as he was helping me to my feet.

"Yes, but I can work through that." I squeezed the swords tighter to me afraid he was going to snatch them away.

Grady sighed. "No." He said again, but carried on before I could argue, "Have you ever tried archery?" This question caught me off guard. When I was a teenager, Archery had just been a hobby of mine, a secret hobby, because of my age, mother never would have approved.

"Yes I have. Why?"

"It's time to put them away." He gestured to the daggers in my hands.

That was how I found myself only five minutes later with a quiver of arrows over my shoulder and a bow I held loosely in my hands. In truth, I wasn't happy to give up my daggers for a bow and arrow because it meant coming out of my comfort zone. Yes, I had done it as a hobby, but that was nearly twenty years ago, there was a lot to catch up on.

Grady set up targets for me around the small empty field. The ground was still wet from the previous few days of rain. And the air smelt musty against the cool heat of the sun. In the corner of my eye I could see Alistair watching me, like he has been doing all day, yet not once has he tried to speak to me.

I notch an arrow. Sucking in my breath, I pull back the tight string and take aim. My hands shake from the intense, gut-wrenching fear. Grady is right beside me, pushing up my elbow and patting in my stomach. But his presence unnerves me. He whispers to me to relax but I wish he'd just leave me alone. I send the arrow soaring towards the dummy target but it misses. Aggravation grips me, so I move away from Grady, who seems to get the hint as he crosses his arms.

Grabbing another arrow I slide it into place and take aim. This time I hit the dummy in it's side. I keep going until I've hit the dummy several times on in its heart. Smug, I turn towards Grady and raise my eyebrows. "Well?"

The impressed smile on his face pleases me. "Feel any pain?"

"Not as much as earlier." It was hard to admit this, because I knew it meant that I couldn't use the swords again, but it was a sacrifice I had to make.

"I thought so." Unexpectedly, he turned on his heels and walked away from me.

"Where are you going?" I shouted.

He stopped and looked at me over his shoulder. "Our king wishes to speak with you." Then he was gone.

Finally, I thought. All day he hadn't said a word. I even saw him walk off with Tomas earlier. What had that been about? Of course, I knew why Alistair wasn't talking to me: he believed that he'd only get in the way while I was training. Yet, I'd rather he'd have been helping me instead of Grady.

Alistair strode towards me looking paler than when I left him this morning. He also looked nervous about something; he was even twiddling his thumbs. Shrugging the quiver of arrows from my shoulder, I waited till it hit the ground before I walked towards him.

"You were good." The smile was forced, which rose suspicions in my stomach.

"What's happened?" I asked, bluntly.

He sighed. "I've asked Tomas and Grady to go with you when you leave."

What is weird, though I know it would have been a rational response in my mind, I couldn't feel angry, not with him.

Instantly I smiled. "You didn't have to do that, you know." Shock registered on Alistair's face; obviously he hadn't expected my reaction.

"You're not mad?"

Stepping towards him, I reached out and took his left hand in both of mine. "I could never be mad at you."

Letting out a slow whistle he said. "Thank god for that. I was preparing myself for a spanking."

A slow seductive smile spread across my lips as I smoothed circles on the back of his hands. "Well, if you say it that way, I am quite mad." I stepped in closer to him till I could feel the warmth of his breath. "I might just have to spank you now."

He caught on quickly. "Oh… now I'm scared." He gulped; a tremble ran through him as my tongue flickered across his collarbone.

X X X

I slurped furiously at the hot brew in my hands. Beside me, Alistair was spread out across the bed, his feet hanging loosely off the bottom. His head was turned toward me; a desperate feeling rose in my chest to kiss him…but I didn't. He looked so peaceful and the colour was finally filling his cheeks again.

A nightmare had woken me during the night; I hadn't thrashed around like usual. It was just paralysing terror. It was the same nightmare as before, but I had seen it through more of a haze than I did before. I had wandered out into the hall looking for a servant and when I found one she had been more than happy to get me a nice hot brew.

The brew quickly became cold so I placed in onto the bedside table. Wriggling back down on the bed, I pulled the covers back over me and snuggled close to Alistair. He must have sensed me because his arm moved up and enveloped around me. "Nightmare?" He asked sleepily.

"Wasn't to bad." I whispered. Alistair reaches around and smoothes a strand of red hair from my face, his fingers brush against my forehead feeling more like a caress as he moves closer to me. I didn't want him to stop and he doesn't until I fall asleep.

I know it's mid-morning when I wake up because shadowa from the sun were still long. Alistair is already awake; I can hear him sipping a drink beside me on the bed. Slowly moving into a sitting position, I lean my head back on the wall and look straight ahead. "It's my last day today." I sighed. Alistair carried on drinking, pretending not to even notice I spoke. "Alistair?" Nothing. "What's wrong?" Worry clearly in my voice now.

"I want to go with you." His voice was emotionless.

"We've already talked about this Alistair. You can't desert Ferelden again." I said in a matter of fact.

"I could just follow you. I know where you're going." He says.

"Don't talk like this Alistair, you have to stay here." I can't help but feel frustrated.

"Say's who?" He turns to look at me, there are circles under his eyes.

I glare at him. "I say so."

Alistair glares back at me with such ferocity, that my own was put to shame. I knew what this was doing to him, and if our places were reversed I'd want to follow him too. "What if you die? What will I do then? At least if I go with you I can protect you."

"I have Tomas and Grady for that."

"Don't give me that! You and I both know you'll ditch them the first chance you get." I wasn't prepared for the shouting, so I winced. His face softened but the intensity of the situation didn't.

Shuffling forward I said. "I promise I won't ditch them."

He didn't look convinced but he seemed to have given up. "Just promise me you won't do anything stupid or reckless without reason."

"I promise." And I meant it too. My main plan was to get back safely, no side quests.

Alistair leaned towards me so that his lips hovered close to mine. I found myself wrapping my arms around his neck. Kissing his mouth. Smoothing his soft brown hair through my fingers.

A low groan escaped my lips as he pulled himself away from me. "I've got a surprise for you." He says.

Leaning back, I raise an eyebrow. "What sort of surprise?"

"It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you now would it?" He asked rhetorically. He moved away from the bed giving me a glimpse of nakedness. Blushing furiously, I threw the covers from my fully clothed body and hurried over to my mound of clothes.

"What clothes should I wear for this… surprise?" I shouted back at Alistair. Peaking a glance I saw he had already pulled on undergarments.

"I've ordered it to come in an hour so. Why don't you get cleaned up, and I'll go and get us some brew." He was out the door before he was even finished.

**X X X**

The servants scuttled nervously behind Alistair as he boiled the water on the stove. A smile played on his lips as he heard them whispering to each other. Beside him the kitchens main chef was kneading dough for early morning breakfast, in the corner of his eye he could see her sneaking curious glances at him. When he first came down she had insisted that they would make the drinks for him, she hadn't argued when he said of his reason.

Alistair's plan for today was to make this day perfect for Cameron in every single way. This wasn't going to be a day of luxury but exactly the opposite; he was going to take her on horseback into the Bannorn to a spot he had encountered during the Blight. It was a field of brilliant flowers encircled by vast woodland. He found the field with Riona whilst they had been searching for signs of darkspawn. It had been before he had realised his feelings for Riona, so he thought it to be the perfect place.

"Your majesty?" A voice broke into his thoughts. "The water has boiled." Alistair blinked a few times then looks towards the chef then at the boiled water.

"Sorry… I was lost in thought." Alistair said as he went to pick up the pan, the pan fell instantly from his hand as he felt a tinge of burning agony. Boiling water spilled over the marbled floor engulfing the air in liquid steam. Nearby servants squealed as the water spilled over their clogs. Alistair cursed silently thrusting his already blistered hand into his mouth.

The chef sighed beside him. "No, your majesty, that won't help. Here." She reached out; lacing her fingers around his wrist and pulled him away from the steaming pool. With a wet cloth she dabbed cold water onto Alistair's blistered hand in which he took this time too really look at his staff. He knew her name was Milena and that she was the oldest but most experienced of his kitchen staff. This close up he could see the laughter lines creased into her cheekbones. She had long, dark eyelashes highlighting bright sapphire eyes. With thin pink lips over a row of yellow teeth which he noticed when she smiled. Strangely, this did not disgust him. Her grey hair was wrapped in a cotton cloth with black patterned embroidery.

When she looked back up at him he said. "Maybe you _should_ do it." Giving her a small shy smile. She reminded him of Wynne by her knowing eyes and wise aura and made him instantly respect her.

Her tone serious, as she filled a pan with water. "I won't repeat this to Lady Hawke."

"I'm sure she'd find it hilarious." Alistair was certain on that in fact. Cameron found everything funny lately. This almost made him want to tell her every detail 'till he remembered his dignity was still intact. "You're right. Don't repeat. Good idea."

Ten minutes later Milena handed a tray of two cups of brew to a young elven servant instead of Alistair, giving him a stern look as she did it. He couldn't blame her. The elven girl followed quietly as they walked back up to his chamber. Cameron would be almost ready if his calculations were correct.

When they approached the door he knocked loudly. Instantly, the door opened and he turned to take the tray from the young elven girl. Muttering a thank you as he did it. She gave him a strange look before scuttling back down the hall they had come. He didn't think further of it because he heard Cameron call his name from inside the room. Stepping through the door he was hit by a pang of desire. Cameron was dressed in a black, hip length tunic with a golden leather belt around the middle. Slacks fitted around her waist revealing a touch of skin on her hips. Her red hair fell in neat curls over her breasts framing her porcelain face. Alistair wanted to kiss her plump lips right then and there, but was stopped by the sheer beauty of what he was seeing. He didn't think he could turn his eyes away, even if he wanted to. She wasn't the exotic beauty that Riona was but she had sweetness to her face that would break any man's heart. Her face glowed like the sun, whilst Riona's was sharp and defined. Alistair instantly felt ashamed to be comparing his new love to a woman who had broken his heart. He had long since forgiven her, but the feeling would never truly go away.

**X X X**

CAMERON

Alistair stood gaping at me, almost drooling.

Awkwardly, I spread my arms out to strike a pose. Whenever I tried to look nice, even for Alistair, I felt like an idiot. He didn't help the situation by letting his tongue slack from his mouth.

The heat was instantly in my cheeks, exposing my embarrassment which, _of course, _Alistair noticed instantly.

"You look fantastic." He burst out, trying to ease the awkwardness. I thought he was lying since I wasn't in formal clothes. But the way he returned to staring got my hopes up. Clearly, he doesn't think I look horrid.

"Really?" I asked, fingering the slack bottoms. These had been what I usually wore as a farm girl in Lothering. When I first saw the clothes I knew instantly that we weren't staying in the castle, my suspicion instantly changed to a mix of excitement and relief. The desire to leave this castle was even greater than kissing Alistair these days.

Alistair walked forward slipping his arms around my waist. "You are the most fantastic, beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on." He said as he bent down and kissed my lips. A feeling of shock and exhilaration spread through me as he slipped his hand over my bottom.

A warm feeling passes through me as he placed kisses along my jaw. I sigh in relief as he pulls me closer. His gentle kisses send pulsing currents down my throat, tingling my very soul. In those seconds I forgot about everything, all I could focus on was his lips and his hands that gripped my bottom tighter with every kiss. A groan erupts from Alistair's throat as his memory assumingly came back to him. Slowly he releases himself from me and steps away.

"I'm guessing it's time to leave?" I asked smiling.

"It was time to leave five minutes ago." A small grin played on his lips.

**X X X**

There was only one secret that I still kept from Alistair, one that I couldn't even tell myself on this particular day. Just the thought of it made my eyes blur with tears. Thirty-two years ago today my sister and brother screamed an entrance into this world; it had been the greatest day of my mother's life, one she had buried into my mind since before I could even talk.

But I didn't want to remember it.

Couldn't.

Not when Alistair had made this day so special for me. How could I ruin this day with tears when it would be our last for a very long time?

We rode on horseback for miles only stopping when we needed a break when the need to to empty our bladder's. We rode hard into the Bannorn only coming across the native wildlife. Darkspawn weren't a big problem anymore since Riona slayed the last dragon and miraculously survived. She had refused to tell Alistair how she had survived which was the last time they had spoken for years.

As a former Grey Warden, Alistair could sense the darkspawn; he was on high alert for any sign of danger. Even with over a dozen guards riding behind us, I felt safer with Alistair there. Being a recently kidnapped king, he had no chance of refusing protection and I had no problem with that. I wanted him to be as safe as possible even if it meant we could only ever truly be alone in his chamber.

Alistair seemed to be slowing down so I pulled up, to remain along side him. When he came to a full stop he jumped from his horse and tied the reins to a nearby tree; I did the same, tying my horse to the other tree. He turned towards the guards and raised his hand to signal them; they split off in two different directions.

Inching towards him, I waited silently as he watched them leaving. "Where are they going?" I asked after a long silence.

"Scouting…"

"Oh…" I said, letting it ring out. Alistair looked over his shoulder at me apologetically.

"It's a precaution; this place isn't as safe as it used to be."

The silence returned and a quiet sigh escaped me. This I hadn't anticipated. Waiting for long lengths of time hadn't been on my agenda for the day.

It had been over half an hour by the time a lone guard returned to us. "It's safe proceed, Your Majesty."

Alistair thanked the guard, then turned to me and slipped a cold hand into mine. "I'm sorry that took so long." Was all he said before we entered a field of beauty. A lump formed in my throat from the sight of such exquisiteness. Flowers of all colours covered the ground creating a forest of its own. A rich, sweet, smell filled my nostrils. I felt overwhelmed and dizzy just being in such a wondrous place. My grip tightened on Alistair's hand as he led me to the centre of the field, to a majestic oak tree. Underneath the tree someone had laid a brown blanket and a woven basket.

"You did this for me?" I whispered, as we were halfway through the forest of flowers.

"Yes, but also for myself as well."

"This place is so beautiful, how did you find it?" I asked as we sat down on the blanket in the shade of the oak tree.

Alistair hesitated before he answered. "It was during the blight; I and Riona had stumbled upon it." His gaze didn't meet mine as I considered him coming here with Riona. What they must have done? I couldn't deny a jolt of jealousy had swept through me.

"Oh…must have been…nice." He sensed my discomfort and instantly snapped up his head to look at me.

"Nothing happened. It was before we even…" He began.

"Stop!" I interrupted, holding up my hands. "I don't care. It's now that I care about."

Alistair stared at me at long length. My heart thumped loudly in my head as he stared me down. Under his gaze I felt exposed, a blush formed quickly on my cheeks. Alistair reached out entwining his fingers through mine; lifting the back of my hand to his lips, he kissed it lightly Shivers ran through me making me tremble, as he went further up my arm. By the time he was at my elbow he was already kneeling in front of me.

Impatiently, I gripped his chin and pulled him up so my lips could capture his. The sweet taste of his lips was so intoxicating that I bit down on his bottom lip. He jumped but didn't end the kiss even when I tasted the salty blood dripping from his swollen bottom lip. Alistair smooth's his finger along my jaw sending an irresistible wave of desire through me that I have to fight to stop myself from pulling him down onto me. Through the kisses I send a whisper of 'I love you's' into his mouth.

I couldn't have been any happier than I was in those moments.


	17. Chapter 16 - to be rewritten

**Chapter 17-Safe & Sound **

I remember tears streaming down your face

When I said, I'll never let you go

When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember you said, don't leave me here alone

But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now.

**Taylor Swift- Safe & Sound**

Light grey cloudsdrifted aimlessly hiding the beautiful blue sky above, chilling the air. Rays of the sun tried to break through but to no avail. The city was bustling with travellers and merchants looking to satisfy their needs.

I walked quietly beside Alistair; dozens of guards surrounded us, keeping us safe from any 'of the moment' assassins. A grotesque smell filled my nose as we passed the fish market; I covered my nose to stop myself from gaging.

Rain poured down a shop's rooftop and splattered onto the cobblestone steps only inches from me. I jumped quickly out of the way and collided into Alistair's side., He managed to reach out in time to stop us both from falling down.

As I straightened myself up, I took that opportunity to look at Alistair's face. His eyes looked absent even as he slipped his hand into mine. "Alistair, it's going to be alright." My attempts at trying to reassure him were useless but it didn't hurt to try.

"You keep telling yourself that, darling." Alistair muttered sarcastically.

Frowning at him, I crossed my arms and pursed my lips to show I wasn't playing any games. This didn't seem to bother him as he took back my hand and pulled me along. I didn't speak as we walked, with his hand tightening around my wrist it started to feel uncomfortable yet he didn't seem to notice.

"Alistair." I said loud enough for him to hear, but he ignored me. I carried on calling out to him but this just seemed to make him go faster until his grip around my wrist started to hurt. I couldn't contain myself as I screamed out his name. Jerking my hand away, I wringed my wrist side-to-side rubbing at the red mark.

As Alistair turned he must have realised what had happened because his gaze turned to sorrow. Instantly, he was at my side apologising and trying to look at my wrist. Groaning, I snatched my hand from his. "Alistair, I'm leaving."

"I know." He said, lifelessly.

"You're not going to see me for a very long time." This was my last chance to prove to him that I knew what I was doing. He didn't trust me to look after myself. I knew he thought I was unstable in my own mind.

"I know." He said again.

I reached up and rested my hand on his cheek. "I will come back." It was a promise, both to him and me.

Alistair hesitated, opening his mouth as if to speak but instead a small tear rolled down his cheek. I knew something like this had been building up inside him ever since I had told him I wanted to leave without him. Reaching up, I smoothed the tear from his cheek. He nuzzled his head into my hand before saying. "Don't make me promises you might not be able to keep."

He was right.

How could I make him promises? We are partners. We share our doubts, don't we?

I sighed. "I will _try_ to come back."

Alistair smiled lightly. "Try your best." Now, _that,_ I could promise. Leaning up on my toes I kissed his cheek lightly.

We walked hand in hand towards Denerim's city gates, people stared at us curiously as we passed them. I ducked my head to keep from meeting any of their eyes, rumours of my being the King's mistress passed around quickly, my new reputation was embarrassing.

I hated being the centre of attention.

The large gates towered high above us, offering freedom to the outside world. Even in the rain they looked magnificent.

Could I _really _do this without him?

The thought of leaving Alistair had unnerved me ever since I decided what I had to do. He wouldn't be there to comfort me. Argue with me about the silliest detail.

I was going to be all alone.

As we stepped out of the gates, my heart raced. Catching my breath, I turned to Alistair and threw my arms round his neck. "I love you so much." I whispered in his ear.

"I love you too. " He said back.

The tears easily flowed as I leaned back to take in his handsome face. When his lips touched mine they were hungrier and more frightening because I knew this would be our last. Maybe forever. This moment was all we had, so we savoured it, drank it till there was nothing left, yet even as he pulled away I wanted more.

I didn't want to leave. But I had too.

"Don't leave me here alone." Alistair whispered as a tear rolled down his cheek.

Reaching out I smoothed the tear from his cheek. "You'll be alright; I'll never let you go."

Alistair had my face instantly in his hands. "We could keep each other safe, you know. If you just let me come with you." His attempts at trying to change my mind hadn't changed my mind, until now.

Ferelden didn't need him as much as I did.

I shook my head in his hands. "We can't be selfish." I murmured barely audible.

Alistair grinned. "We could be shellfish if we wanted to be. Swim in the wide ocean, no worries and only fear of being eaten by the big bad shark."

I couldn't help but glare at his inappropriate humour. "Don't try to be funny, Alistair. It's not working." Even as I said it, I wanted to smile. His attempts at trying to make light of the situation had always made me feel better even if it wasn't entirely funny.

His face fell, so I reached up and kissed his cheek. I rested my hand over his heart, against his cheek I said. "I will always be in here."

"Lady Hawke?" I heard Grady call from behind us. A curse caught in my throat as I pulled away from Alistair.

His hand caught mine as I turned away. Looking back at him, I was mesmerised by his face. We didn't speak as I burned every aspect of his face into my mind. Slowly, I pulled my hand from his, the silent goodbye hanging in the air.

(¯`'·.¸( )¸.·'´¯)

**3 months later. **

Grady slowly guided his horse through the dark woods in front of me. He clearly knew this area well from his good sense of direction. Only half a day away from Antiva city, we decided to ride in when at sunrise. The air was warm even at night and I could feel myself wanting to take Alistair's robe off my shoulders.

Behind me, I could hear Tomas getting frustrated. He hasn't slept well since we crossed the Antivan border. Always looking over his shoulder and sleeping light. When I asked what was wrong he revealed that the Antivan crows had murdered his older brother years back.

At the crows mention, I thought of Zevran. Had Riona found him? Did he welcome her into his arms? I didn't know Zevran very well and from what I did know of him, I found him irritating to be around. However I had seen the way he and Riona acted around each other. I'd be very surprised if he turned her away.

Grady came to an abrupt stop and I had to quickly press my heels into my horse's ribs to stop from going past him. He slid heavily from the horse, landing awkwardly on the muddy ground. From my own horse, I watched patiently as he tapped on the trees and checked the ground for any sign of foot prints. Grady had been a part of the Grey Wardens in Orlais, one of the men who had been sent to find out how Riona survived the downfall of the archdemon. Yet, apparently he felt more obliged to follow under Alistair.

Alistair…

It was hard to think of him these days. Rumours were that Ferelden's king was in a state of turmoil. I had no idea that my leaving would bring such anxiety upon him, when I first heard the rumour I had jumped back onto my horse. It took Tomas and Grady three days to convince me to continue my quest.

This quest had been to cure myself but as I go on, I find the dreams getting worse. Alistair had always been there to comfort me. Protect me, if you will. On more than one occasion I found myself doubting that this was what I really needed.

In truth, curiosity was my main drive.

"We shall stop here for the night, Lady Hawke." Grady called to me over his shoulder.

Sliding from my horse, the mud squelched under my boots as I hit the ground. The horse shook its head as I took hold of its reins. _I don't like you either. _I cursed in thought. Looking back, I saw Tomas had done the same, his eyes on the ground. With narrowed eyes I pulled my horse over to the nearest tree and tied the reins around the bark. Tomas has acted strangely ever since we left Starkhaven, but I tried not to think about it too much.

Quickly I walked over to Grady who was pulling the tent from the back of the cart. The cart did slow us down but it was also essential for our dry nights. Unfortunately, we only had one tent, which meant I had to spend my nights sleeping alongside the men and their stinking feet. No matter how much I complained about their hygiene, they refused to wash.

"Grady, we are past the last name stage aren't we? Call me Cameron." I said, leaning my back against the cart as I watched him unload. When he passed he rolled his eyes and muttered something about orders and manners.

Twice a day, Grady made me shoot something with my bow and arrow, birds, deer's, rabbits. My aim was getting better and so was my speed, with each passing day I felt I was getting stronger. The pain was slowly easing from my shoulder from where the dagger had penetrated into my flesh. No scar replaced the wound unlike the wound under my eye; I'd rather it was the other way round.

Lacing my fingers through my now shoulder-length hair, I leaned back against the bark of the tree. At times like this I missed my journal, it was a dark night, a cold breeze blew up my thin brown vest and I felt lonely. It was back with Alistair, at the last moment I had decided that I wanted him to know exactly how I felt for all those months.

My last entrance had been the most heartfelt since I had already decided to give it to him.

_Dear Journal, _

_I'll be leaving in an hour, most probably for a very long time. I'm scared. I wish Alistair could come with me. I want to be selfish. But then what if he died because of my selfishness? Bethany died because I wanted her back in my life; I didn't even ask her if she was happy. Clearly she was, Cullen…He had made her happy. Just like Alistair makes me happy, but why isn't it enough? Why do I seek the impossible? I don't know if I will ever find Morrigan and Letecia, or Riona for that matter. Letecia…this all comes down to her; something in me knows that she has all the answers. And Riona and I come into it somehow. _

_The Hero and the Champion. _

_Will I ever find peace? _

_I'm leaving this behind for Alistair. So he can know that everything I do is for our future. Maybe we could have children, despite his taint. _

_There is no going back now. _

I slid my hand underneath my vest to cup my stomach, my heart fluttered at the idea of having Alistair's child. His chiselled face and luscious eyelashes and my fiery red hair and green eyes, I think we'd have a beautiful child.

Ughh, why did I make myself have thoughts like this?

Rubbing my eyes, I pushed myself from the ground and made my way over to Tomas who was sat in front of the fire we had made earlier. His head snapped up when he heard me coming. Circles were underneath his tired eyes; his thin lips produced a weak smile that didn't reach his eyes. Sitting down beside him, I felt his eyes stay on my face. "You're beautiful." He suddenly said.

This I hadn't heard before. Frowning, I turned to look at him. "What?"

"Uhh…" Tomas snapped his eyes from mine towards the fire. His face blushed scarlet.

"Tomas?" I pressed.

"Forget I said that." He jumped to his feet and walked away from me. But I wasn't finished so I jumped up and raced after him.

"Tomas, you think I'm beautiful? Where did that come from?" It was hard to keep up, so I wasn't prepared for him to stop, press me up against a tree and crush his lips against mine with so much force that I couldn't breathe. I was too shocked to respond right away, but when I finally calmed down, I pushed him away from me. "Tomas!" I shouted, throwing out my arms.

He turned away from me. "I'm sorry."

Anger churned in my stomach. "Where did all this come from, Tomas?" I hissed.

"I'm in love with you." His voice barely a whisper, but in the cold silence I could hear everything.

"What?" I wailed. This was news to me, Tomas had always been a friend, never had he shown these feelings. "How can you be in love with me?"

Tomas turned back glaring. "Quite easily, you just haven't noticed."

"I'm with Alistair." I said matter of fact. I couldn't believe how inconsiderate he was being of my relationship.

"You're with a king; he has plenty of noble girls wanting to be his wife. You think he's going to stick around if he finds someone who actually wants to marry him?" Tomas seemed over-emotional and hyperactive for someone who hasn't slept in a long time, so I tried to stay calm.

"Tomas, calm down, please. You're acting insane. I think you need to get some sleep." I reached out and laced my fingers around his wrist. However he ripped it away just as quick.

"Don't avoid the question. You know he doesn't love you." He stepped back into me, pushing me into the wall. "Not like I do." A whiff of alcohol filled my nose and I instantly knew why he was acting insane.

"You're drunk." He must have stocked up back in Starkhaven, without us knowing.

"You're beautiful." Tomas smiled, as he slid his hand over my hip. Instantly, I stiffened. Fear flowed through me because I didn't know how far he'd go in his current condition. My voice hitched on a scream as he crushed his lips against mine again.

Abruptly, he was ripped away and thrown to the ground. Grady stood over him looking angrier than I have ever seen him. "You will go sober up and will not return till morning." He said to Tomas. Turning to me, his face softened. "Are you ok?"

"Yes, just shaken. He's never acted like that before." I said.

"He'll be sorry in the morning; I wouldn't go near him for a while though. " Grady, was already pushing me back towards camp. I didn't realise how far we'd moved away from it.

"Thank you for stepping in. I didn't know what was going to happen." If I hadn't been so shocked that Tomas would ever treat me like that and declare his love for me in that same moment, I would have defended myself. Grady must have realised this too because he gave me a knowing look and sighed.

"If I may be so bold Lady Hawke, you are very pretty, I don't blame him for only being confident, drunk." Grady, pushed lightly on the small of my back.

"I don't know what to do. I don't feel the same way but I don't want to hurt his feelings either." A grimaced spread over my lips. I was afraid I'd end up being nasty to Tomas; some of the things he said about Alistair had mirrored doubts in my own mind not so long ago.

"Just sleep, good lady." We were already at the tent by the time Grady stopped. I didn't argue as I slipped into the tent.

(¯`'·.¸( )¸.·'´¯)

The streets were bustling with people; I almost had to shove them out the way to catch up with Grady and Tomas. More than a few times had those people shoved me back.

_Teach me for coming into a foreign country and thinking I own the place. _

Antiva city was unmistakably a big city, every tavern we entered the bartenders laughed in our faces when we mentioned 'Riona Cousland the Hero of Ferelden'. A not to mention there were _a lot_ of taverns. What I hadn't anticipated was the beauty and posh nature of such a rambunctious place.

No litter soiled the streets.

No sleazy drunkard in the side alleys.

Yet there was something there, not something I could put my finger on.

My body itched as if a thousand eyes were glaring down upon me. I was instantly reminded of when I passed through Gwaren and I had felt eyes on me; it turned out to be Zevran.

That's when it hit me.

The Antivan Crows…Instantly, I realised why Zevran had come back here and why he didn't want Riona following him. If she came searching, asking his name, they'd get suspicious. And with Zevran's reputation, I wouldn't count on them letting her pass with a warning, especially considering that she was supposed to be dead by Zevran's hands.

My heart stopped at the realisation that both Riona and Zevran could be dead. No one had heard from them, not since the day we said goodbye all those months ago. Could the Antivan Crows get away with it? From Zevran's understanding _they_ could.

I didn't care as I pushed and shoved to get back to Grady's side, when I reached him, my hand looped through his and pulled him to the nearest empty spot. Grady looked at me astonished, like I had just flashed him my breasts or something. "Err, Lady Hawke, are you ok?" He still seemed on edge even as I leaned closer to him. It was at that moment that Tomas re-joined us, looking as confused as Grady looked.

"I'm guessing we aren't going to be finding Riona in no tavern. Want to know why?" I said.

"The Antivan Crows, I know. They've been watching us for the past hour." Grady whispered, stiffening his jaw.

_I knew someone was watching us. _

I paused for a second, a new plan arising. "We have to allow ourselves to get caught."

Tomas nearly choked. "Are you crazy? They'll kill us."

Rounding on him, I glared. "You think they are going to let us leave the city now anyway. We've been asking around for Riona, who has been asking around for Zevran…Do I have to spell it out to you? We'll be dead by sun down anyway if we don't hatch a plan now." In truth, I wasn't entirely sure on those details. But from what Zevran had told Riona who had told me about the Crows, I don't think it was far from the absolute.

Tomas huffed. "Let's at least get some food in us first; I don't want to be tortured on an empty stomach." From the look serious look on his face, I didn't think I could deny him.

We headed to the nearest tavern which meant we had to walk back through the crowd. Even though what had happened yesterday had disturbed me, I took hold of Tomas' hand for encouragement. It was my fault he was here.

Will I ever be rid of this guilt?

Swallowing down the last piece of chicken, I wiped the cloth over my lips. It had been a long time since I had had a proper meal. I knew I had caught a few people's attention by scoffing my food greedily, but who could care less when I might be dead in a few hours?

I couldn't feel the fear that I knew Tomas was feeling, I didn't even wish for a quick release. My life has been so full of death and pain that I had become immune to my own. If someone could end the suffering and put a dagger in my heart ensuring that I'd never have to go through the pain of losing Alistair, I'd take it willingly.

(¯`'·.¸( )¸.·'´¯)

The moon was already in the sky before they had come for us. The air was silent and insanely warm against my skin. I didn't even bother to take out my bow, so I kept it around my shoulders. Tomas felt differently of course, his sword was firmly in his hands, I could see his knuckles turning white even in the dark.

Annoyance flooded me. "You think you'll fight?" I asked, casually trying to hide it.

Tomas shot me a 'what do you think' glance but didn't answer and carried on looking around. We were in a short alleyway, somewhere nice and quiet so being caught wouldn't bring attention to us. Surely the Crows would appreciate that?

"You think you'll last?"

Tomas didn't bother acknowledging that I had spoken. So I kicked the wall behind me and stormed off towards Grady who was sharpening his blades near old crates. "What's his problem?" I growled.

Grady sighed. "He still hasn't gotten over what happened, you know. You clearly have though. Maybe that's his problem?" From his tone, he didn't want to be spoken to either, but I wasn't ready to be quiet.

"He needs to get over it." I scoffed. To be frank, it was ridiculous at how Tomas thought I'd fall into his arms when I had made it so clear that I was in love with Alistair.

Grady turned to look at me. "I agree."

"Do you think they'll come?" I couldn't help but ask it.

"No doubt about it." Grady said and then sighed before adding. "You're the Champion of Kirkwall. According to you, they already have the Hero of Ferelden. Who'd pass the chance to get the Champion as well?"

"Was… _Was_ the Champion." I corrected. I may have saved Kirkwall from the Quanri but I still had a lot to make up for, which will probably never happen now.

"You saved a lot of people back then, Lady Hawke. My niece for one, she was there in Vigil's Keep and you saved her. She admired you and still does. She screamed the place down when she found out I was coming on this little venture with you." Grady was laughing quietly; the memory must have been on his mind. A smile spread over my lips, I didn't realise some people still thought highly of me. I had assumed everyone had hated me for siding with that vindictive bitch.

"Thank you." I whispered.

"Huh?" Grady asked, astonished.

"I needed that. To know that not everybody hates me. That even one person still thinks I'm worthy of such praise. Maybe that's what I needed. Instead of all this." I threw out my arms.

His mouth opened but no words escaped as his eyes made large round circles. I turned to find three men dressed in tight suits stood in the open watching us. Waiting.

Did they want us to go out there?

I was about to take a step when someone's arms grabbed me from behind and I went flying against the opposite wall. Taking a second to get my bearings and the wind back into my lungs, I peered up at my attacker. He was very lean and muscular, the tight clothes pronounced them well. A scar ran from the top right side of his forehead down through his right eye. I didn't have enough time to evaluate him further before he picked me up by my clothes and slammed me against the wall. His breath smelt of ale but from the look in his eyes he was completely sober. "The Champion of Kirkwall, well now isn't this a surprise? I've heard some stories about you. Killed some friends of mine some years back. Mistress to the King of Ferelden, don't you get around?" His voice was deep and hoarse, enough the scare the life out of someone. Including me.

"I can't deny that." I said, trying on my best smug grin. My confidence was lacking.

He glared at me, tightening the grip of my clothes. "Hear you've been looking for the Hero. She's not here."

"Oh really?" I choked.

"What? You don't believe me?" Mocking disbelief.

"Not really, no." I said cockily.

"Too bad."

Darkness.

Cold, that was the feeling, a lifeless cold in the abyss of oblivion. Was I dead? No…the sounds of someone breathing, my breathing? Maybe. I tried hard to remember what had happened but it was just a blur. I had no sense of time; I couldn't even tell if it was day or night. Only endless cold and numbness.

It felt like eternity before I felt the hard floor against my skin, another sign that I wasn't dead. A gust of air fills my lungs and I choke on my own tongue. My eyes flutter open only to meet a dull darkness again.

Suddenly, agonising pain.

My right arm is pulsing in agony. I shut my eyes again to fight the pain. I try not to scream to not draw attention to whoever had inflicted the pain upon me.

"Cameron!" Someone shouts. Someone familiar. My eyes shoot open again, searching for the familiar voice. They shout again and I sit up, cradling my wounded arm. Looking around, I meet bars, tall and frightening. But beyond them, in a small light is the beautiful face of Riona. Battered and bruised just like I felt.

"Riona?" I whisper, shuffling towards the bars.

"I'm so glad you're alive. I thought you were dead." She sobbed. With the light reflected on her face, I could see the soreness of her eyes.

"_Are _they going to kill us?" I asked. Considering I was alive, they weren't that eager to have us dead. At least not yet.

"Now you're here. Of course they will. I overheard them talking about a public execution." Riona sobbed louder, quickly she wiped a tear from under her eye.

"That may give us the chance we need to escape. Get lost in the crowd." Then I remembered Grady and Tomas, where were they? "Where are the men I came with?"

Riona froze looking perplexed. "What men?" Fear in her tone.

"Tomas and Grady, they came with me to find you." Kneeling up on my knees a roaring pain seared through me, I had to grit my teeth to stop myself from screaming.

Riona seemed to notice this. "I don't know where they are. But what I do know is that you have lost a lot of blood. And you _need_ to cover that wound." She lifted her hand and pointed towards me. Looking down, I saw the large hole in my upper right arm, blood seeped the hole. How had I not notice the blood pouring down my arm?

Jaw locked, I took hold of the lower part of my vest. A piercing scream escaped my lips as I ripped through the fabric. It came away easily. Before continuing I sucked in my breath and let it out slowly. Then with my free hand I wrapped the fabric around the wound, awkwardly tying a loose not. I once again sucked in my breath, laced the fabric around my finger and bit down with my teeth to secure it. Taking a second to clear my mind, I pulled. The pain was too severe to even care about the ear piercing scream came out of my mouth. My head spun as tears flowed freely down my cheeks.

"Better?" Riona asked concerned.

Turning to look at her, I tried on a weak smile. "I've had worse."

Riona grimaced, clearly not impressed; abruptly her eyes wondered off. "Zevran should be back soon. He's been gone for an hour already."

"He's alive?"

"Barely." Her voice broke and she slid to the ground. "They tortured him so much, that I'd rather he'd be dead than go through it all over again."

"Why are they doing this?"

"Zevran failed to kill me and instead we fell in love. Then he helped you kill the crows who failed to kill him. They are pissed." Riona sighed. It all made sense, but then why had Zevran come back? I didn't have enough time to ask before the flooded with light and Zevran was being dragged in by a large bold man. Zevran was completely naked, bruises and deep wounds covered his body. I glanced towards Riona who had sunken into the shadows, I could hear her crying.

The large man threw Zevran into the cell beside Riona's and before leaving he turned to look at me. A terrifying grin spread across his face. "You're next." He laughed and stepped towards my cell. I jumped to my feet, ready to fight if I had to. He laughed again and pulled out a ring of keys. I took this moment to search for a weapon; the only one I saw was on his person, fastened to his belt was a blade. I'd have to try and get it. He opened the cell and stepped in. He towered over me, glaring with piercing eyes. I judged my strength; my right arm would be useless in its current state. But I still had speed, by the size of this guy, he didn't.

As he got closer, I stepped in to him, he raised his eyebrows at my challenge and a smile spread across his face. If he had any idea of my plan he would have struck me down at that second but he seemed to think differently. He looked at the bandaged wound on my arm, before he could speak a word, I lunged. I threw out the heel of my left palm, catching his nose. A sickening break caused him to cry out in agony. Twisting round, I threw out a kick to the small of his back and he fell to his knees. Lunging forward again, I ripped the blade from his belt, and without hesitation, I brought it down in a savage arc right into his heart.

He fell down, dead.

There would have been no recovery from a strike like that. And he proved it by not moving. My heart raced. I couldn't believe I had killed him, that the chance had been so quickly thrust upon me. Without further thought, I ran from the cell and took the keys out of the lock. When I reached Riona's cell she was gaping at me. "That was unbelievable. I can't believe you did that with one hand." She looked at me with admiring eyes.

"Oh, well it hasn't even sunk in for me yet. I think it's time we get out of here." Could it really have been that easy? Of course we still had to get out of here unnoticed and I had to find Grady and Tomas, but I thought getting out would have been the hardest part.

Unlocking Riona's cell, I wasn't prepared for her arms to fly around my neck and for her loud sobs. "Thank you for coming to find me."

Pushing her away slowly, I said. "We aren't out of this yet. They might come any moment looking for this guy." I motioned over my shoulder with my thumb. Riona nodded, took the keys from my hand and ran to unlock Zevran's cell. Zevran was already stirring.

With the blade in my hand, I stalked towards the door. Peering around the door, I noted the long corridor with many doors leading off from it. At any time someone could walk through it so I had to stay vigilant. Looking over my shoulder, Riona had Zevran's arm over her shoulder and she was dragging him forward. He was awake but clearly dazed. "Want me to scout ahead?" I asked her.

"No, we go now."

Nodding, I stepped into the hall. I had to find more weapons, preferably a bow. I'd have to endure the pain. We quickly scurried down the hall; I put my ear against each door for any sign of people. Opening each door slowly, I saw most of them were just cells like ours. Tomas and Grady were in none of them. When we got to the end of the hall, I listened intently for any sound. None came. How was this place so empty? Were we walking into a trap?

The room was large, only one door lead off. Pillars lined the room creating a circle; in the centre was a chair and three men stood around it. I didn't recognise any of them, clearly they were crows. Turning back to Riona I sighed. "We can't go that way. There are three men; I can't take them all on."

Riona's face dropped. "There is no other way."

"If we found better weapons we could take them on." I looked at Zevran who was watching us intently. "Are you strong enough?"

Zevran nodded. "I'll have to be." His accent caught me off guard. I forgot how strong it was.

We headed back down and checked every room again. Zevran and Riona managed to find two small knifes. Yet that was still not enough to defend ourselves. Those guys looked heavily armed, we wouldn't stand a chance. I turned to Zevran. "You used to live here, right. Where are we?"

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Most of these buildings look the same. But I'm guessing this is the cell block near the headquarters, since there aren't a lot of guards. We should not even bother trying to go out the front door." He straightened up, took hold of Riona's hand and that was when we started running. We followed him to a door that earlier we had not been able to open. "Any of you ladies have a hair pin?"

"Oh." Riona pulled a small pin from her hair and passed it to Zevran. Why hadn't he thought of this earlier?

It took him no longer than thirty seconds to open the lock but that was enough time for the voices to get closer. We piled into the room; it was fairly light from the small window. Outside the sun shone brightly and I longed for the warmth of its rays. The room was small, but in one corner I noticed something that brought a smile to my face. My bow and quiver was leaning against the wall. Running over to it, I picked it up and planted a kiss on its cold surface. Sliding the quiver around my shoulder, I turned back to Riona and Zevran who were pulling thick tunics around themselves. They still only had the small blades, but I had a lot more advantage now.

"Ready?" I asked.

Riona nodded but Zevran didn't. She looked at him confused. "Zevran?"

He turned to her, a sad look in his eyes. "This is all my fault."

"Don't talk like that." Riona scolded. Her tone was fierce and I instantly knew why. He wasn't coming with us, his sad eyes proved that. Not sad for himself, but for her.

"I'll make a diversion."

"What about Tomas and Grady?" I piped in.

Zevran shook his head. "The crows let them go days ago. They'll be on their way back to Ferelden by now."

"How do you know this?" I asked suspiciously.

"I have friends." Zevran kept his eyes on the ground, not wanting to meet the penetrating eyes of us women. What else did he know?

"Why did you come back Zevran?" Riona asked stepping away from him.

Zevran sighed. "There was a chance they'd let me back in. If I got you and Hawke here to follow me." Anger boiled in my veins. He betrayed us, _Riona_, for a chance to go back to the Antivan Crows.

Riona seemed to break down. Her body sagged and tears boiled over down her cheeks. "How could you Zevran?" In that moment I thought she was going to hit him, but instead she fell to the floor.

"The Antivan Crows is my home… Was my home. You don't understand how humiliating it was to be kicked out." I felt compelled to hit him, stepping forward I raised my bow at him.

"Give me a good reason not to kill you." I growled. Anger boiled inside me for many reasons. The fact he betrayed us, especially Riona. The fact that he all this was happening because of his selfish actions. And the fact that leaving Alistair only brought me more pain, but if I didn't Riona would have died.

Zevran eyed me. "Because I'm the only chance you have to get out of here."

My eyes narrowed. "How can we trust you?" My muscles strains slightly because I knew he was right. Riona is suddenly on her feet again, pulling a knife to Zevran's throat, her eyes piercing into his. "Yes, _Zev _tell us." Lowering my bow slightly, I walk towards them.

Zevran takes a breath. "You can't." He looks at each of us, admiration in his pathetic eyes. "But you can trust them." He looks past me at something behind me. Turning quickly, I catch my breath. In the window are two crows staring at us, they each take a step and land in front of me. My eyes open in wonder as their bodies start to glow and in their place are two women.

"Morrigan." I whisper.

Too be continued...

**A/N: The last chapter. Please review… **


	18. Update latest

I'll be updating again soon, I just have no internet at home right now for a while, so my updates will be either close or far apart since I'm using the computers in college.

Ain't no time for the Wicked will be resumed as soon as I finish my updates for The Lonely Hawke.

I'm also making original stories as well which I'm posting to another site. Called Wattpad, my name is the same there too, if anyone wants to check them out.


End file.
